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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Jan 14th, 2002
1/14/02 RAW
The FuckWad of the Week Award is presented to The Battling Bimbi, Steph
& Debra. If you're new to this column, "bimbi" is the plural of
"bimbo." Stephanie is known for her intelligent comments. She
demonstrated this by telling Debra, "blondes are dumb."
(push-shove-slap) What color is 4H's hair? It's wet and stringy 90% of
the time, but the rest of the time it's blonde. Debra clearly had the
advantage with her shoes. If she was quick-thinking, rather than
dim-witted, she would've stomped on Steph with those pointy (and
dangerous) stilettos. Instead of JR bellowing "Brass knuck's!! Brass
knuck's!!" he could be yelling "The shoe of death!! Great God Almighty,
it's the shoe of death!!" Steph's 44DD's would've been deflated into a
flat and soggy mess, making her look like she was lactating. I've seen
more aggressive women in nursing homes! But as we all know, McMahons
*must* be featured in each ppv, so if you're getting Royal Rumble,
expect to see a Steph vs Debra match, like it or not. (push-shove-slap)
So here's 2 big shiny FuckWads for the Silicone Sisters..hurry up now, I
hear The Dollar Store is having a 2 for 1 sale on fake fingernails.
(ugh)
MiniWads (aka Wadsamattayou):
1) Jericho: for hiring a blind man to organize his wardrobe. That
outfit was worse than any shirt the Rock ever wore. It was so loud, my
ears are still ringing 2 days later. The only person that thought the
outfit was "to die for" is Billy Gunn. We all know he'll borrow it
sometime and wear it when he goes to The Blue Oyster with Chuck..
2) JR: for his comments. "At Royal Rumble, Flair will be gnawing
on Vince instead of on pretzels." Somehow, "beer & pretzels" sounds a
lot more appetizing than "beer and Vince." He also used that tired old
comment, "running like a scalded dog." How about running like a scalded
Okaloid, JR? Math time! Oklahoman + Mongoloid = Okaloid. Further
comments included yammering on and on ad nauseum about *who* will be in
the Rumble. Jesus, if you want people to buy the ppv, don't tell them
Val Venis, Goldust, and Godfather will all be there!
3) Bradshaw: for giving the Gaynadians whatfor because they
dissed our president, George DuhByuh. Last I heard, Prime Minister
Chretien wasn't the one choking on a pretzel..Every time Bradshaw talks,
I like him less and less. Maybe he could just stick to drinking beer,
smoking cigars, and playing cards with Faarooq and coming out to the
ring (shirtless of course) to kick some ass. I like to look at him and
*not* listen to him (unless he's on msnbc).
4) Steph: her crimped hair, bald spots and all, deserves a
miniwad. Someone should tell her crimping irons are a thing of the
past. (just like those hideous clothes and shoes she's so fond of) I
hate to shop, but even *I* would volunteer to take Steph shopping (as
long as we're using her Visa card and not mine.)
5) Hurricane: for recycling X-Pac's old black and green outfit.
6) Billy & Chuck: Why bring back Hogan? Just shave the top of
Chuck's head. Chuck had major wood and Billy (as usual) had none. (How
much wood could a wood-chuck chuck?)
7) The Kurt/Kane match: Notice how big Kane's foot is when up
against Kurt's little square head? Also, notice the giant snot-rope
koming out of Kurt's knose ? That was almost Shmo sized! Kane's boot
came undone and was flopping around like a fish. Well, that's what
happens when your boots close with Velcro. Maybe some 6 year olds would
volunteer to show Kane how to tie shoes.
8) Austin: Think about how many times each day we either say,
hear, or write the word "what." Thanks to Thumb Head, I'll never be
able to see, hear or write "what" ever again without picturing his dumb
looking face (complete with squinty little eyes and bald head).
Hopefully, this little phase will die soon. When was the last time you
heard anyone say "Suck it"?
9) The 3 Gaynadians vs The Dancing Buttocks & ApA: no explanation
necessary.
10) HHHH: For wasting 5 minutes showing us his moose-like profile,
spitting, and playing musical turnbuckles. He couldn't decide what
jacket to wear, so he wore them all! Didn't Austin look wasted when he
came out to the ring? I'll have some of whatever he's been smoking.
Good Stuff:
Taker driving up on his bike, getting off, and adjusting "little Taker."
Jazz beating Jackie and then attacking Trish. If a homely looking
non-implanted woman who can actually wrestle becomes the Women's Champ,
I might gain an ounce of respect for Vinnie.
Taker whacking both Austin and 4H with a chair.
Cenny
(hoping to rid the Wrestling World of What.)