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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Jan 21th, 2002
1/21/02 RAWRAW at the Bi-Lo Center
I know they were there before - I remember mentioning the chain of
"Bi-Lo" grocery stores in my part of the world. Let's grab a shopping
cart and check out this week's specials:
Big Show & Kane: buy one bucket of lard, get one free
Chuck & Billy: Homogenized vitamin D milk (which prints out on the
register receipt as "Homo V D")
Tazz & Spike: Shrimp (that one was too easy)
Austin: 3 way light bulbs. Watt? 50Watt/100Watt/150Watt
Val Venis & Mr. PerFuckt: Stain remover
Vince: Chicken gizzards
JR's Weekly Verbal Fuck-Up:
(said during the "men who need a bra" vs the "men who *like*
to wear a
bra" match aka Shmo/Kane vs Billy/Chuck)
JR: "The harder they come, the bigger they get."
I think JR has that backwards..
I can't comment on Soiled Stumble, since I'd rather spend $29.95 on a
carton of Salems. I read the play-by-play on a wrestling site as it
happened (works for me) and saw the clip of Taker & Maven on Monday's
show. Maven is so far down at the bottom of the wrestler food chain,
he's plankton. Can you imagine Austin, Rock or Angle agreeing to be
thrown out of the ring by a kid who won a contest? Yep, that boy's a
real wrestler - he's had him a whole 6 weeks of training. There were
guys with over 6 *years* experience in the ring who weren't even IN the
Rumble. Wow, now *that's* fair, isn't it? I'd include 'Roided H in
that earlier statement, but we all knew he'd be the last one left in the
ring. So what's my point? Well, the people who compare UT to Hogan
(ugh) can eat their words now (deep-fried, of course). How can anyone
accuse Taker of not helping young talent, not selling, etc.?
I know he couldn't have lasted long in there with his injuries (thanks
to Moby Paul, the great Wight whale), but he could've been tossed out by
one of the established so-called 'stars' instead of a green kid. Maybe
I've got it all wrong, and this is Taker's "punishment" for trying
to
drag his wife into the business. But if he has enough back-stage pull to
bring her in with that awful stalker angle, then surely he also has
enough pull to refuse to be ousted from the ring by Mavis, uh, Maven.
No major FuckWad recipients this week, but here's a few minor ones:
1) Debra: she can get facelifts and hair dye jobs, but she "cain't
hahd them thar wrinkled, livah-spotted hayands." If pictures were taken
of only her hands, along with Moohlah's and Mae's hands, and we had to
identify exactly who those old granny-hands belonged to, it would be
impossible to tell.
2) Jericho: for the same fugly pants (a-gain!) and his awful Joel
Gertner imitation. The only good thing in this segment was the "Whine 2
J" sign I saw in the crowd.
3) Kryin' Kurt, 4H and nominee for worst picture, Rock: for
participating in the
let's-take-turns-yakking-and-interrupting-each-other-and-culminate-in-a-
big-boring-brawl-in-the-ring segment. I'll bet Rock's new movie will be
remembered years from now, along with other greats like "Dude, Where's
my Car" and "Monkeybone."
4) Edge: for blinding me with his teeth. He left the arena with a
big grin, but I'm sure that facial expression faded in a hurry. Picture
the locals - Bubba, Leroy and Jim-Bob cruising along in their pick-up
truck, listening to some lame country-pop shit on the radio (it all
sounds the same to me). They happen to drive past a slender, shirtless
man wearing pink tights and long blonde curls. If you've ever been to
South Carolina, you can write your own ending to this story..
5) Bill-n-Chuck: Wasn't it touching? They made Kane his very own
headband! Billy asked Kane, "Do you know who we are?" and Kane asked
Billy, "Do you know who *I* am?" If Kane had accepted the gift, he
could've looked at the name on it and wouldn't have had to ask that
question.
6) Kane: for wearing an outfit that keeps shrinking more and more
each week. Seeing him and Shmo go tit-to-tit was *not* my idea of a
good time. There's just something about men with bigger breasts than
mine that makes me queasy. Also, did you see Kane squat up on the
turnbuckle, then pivot and jump off onto the *floor* below? Wrong way,
Mesh-man!
7) Big Show: I can get him a good deal on a quilted, black piano
cover, guaranteed to fit either a 9 foot concert grand OR a 9 foot
waistline!
8) Ric(k) Flair: Whooooooo cares?
9) Val Venis: I started making vomiting noises as soon as I saw
him - same old stick legs, same awful old gimmick. I wonder how much
they paid that woman to come into the ring with him? Yecchhhh.
10) Austin, the original Dim Bulb: (watt? ) Right now, young kids (who
don't get "TV Land" on their cable systems) are in awe of Rhymin'
Stevie. He not only quoted the lyrics of "The Beverly Hillbillies"
theme song, he even screwed them up in a few places. The funny thing
about that show is, the "mansion" from the early '60's is just an
ordinary house by today's standards. I'm sure Austin identifies with
Jethro - they're both big and dumb.
11) Godfather: another tired old gimmick. And if that's not bad
enough, he's wearing Curtis Hughes' old clothes. I still think
Godfather should adapt the Candyman look. Getting all those bees to
hold still in his coat till he opens it on an unsuspecting victim could
be a problem though.
12) Goldust: he looks like Tammy Fay Baker when she'd cry on camera
and her cheap mascara would run down her face.
I quit watching right before the main event and still haven't read the
reports of what happened. I would guess it was the same old same old.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Screeching Stephanie.)