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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Jan 28th, 2002
1/28/02 RAW
The FuckWad of the Week Award is presented to:
Maven
I've only seen eyebrows like his once in my life on a teacher I had way
back in High School. She was a mean old bitch with white hair. People
with eyebrows like giant leeches always seem to go prematurely gray, but
the brows stay black forever. This would explain why Maven shaves his
head.
Is it my imagination, or did Taker's attack look a little stiff? (like
Saturn working over a newbie) My psychic powers tell me to expect an
email about the previous comment:
"u don't know shitt!! Undtaekr is to profeshunal to du sumthing lik
that!!"
I wouldn't blame "Undtaekr" for being hard on the "new kid."
If Maven
lived in his car, ate raw potatoes straight from the bag, and drove 500
miles one way to do a show at the VFW in Sligo, Pennsylvania for $20,
AND if he did this for at least 5 years *before* entering the WWF, and
then only appeared in dark matches for another couple of years (kinda
like most of the other guys on the roster) then *maybe* his opponents
would go easier on him. If this is the WWF's way of generating interest
for the next "Tough Enough", they're going about it the wrong way.
Teen-age wrestler wannabees used to drool over the chance to enter and
maybe win the contest. Now, they're shitting their pants in fear that
they'd win and get the "Taker-treatment", just like Maven.
Here's a special FuckWad to the do-gooder Emo kids from truth.com
Fuck, I hate those commercials. They go around sticking little plastic
signs (like the ones Ponderosa puts in a customer's steak) into
steaming piles of doggie dung, adding to the litter. If they really
wanted to be helpful, they could clean up the abandoned feces instead.
Most of us are responsible dog-owners and always carry a dung-bag or 2
while out with our pets. So what are they saying? There's dog shit in
cigarettes? There's ammonia, bubonic plague, anthrax and cholera in my
Salems? Go listen to "Jimmy Eat World" and find a *real* job before
every smoker in America finds you and kicks your self-righteous Emo ass!
MiniWads to:
1) Biggie Shmo & the Kanester - for being a couple of plodding
slugs in the ring. They looked a little more alive than when I saw them
Saturday. Maybe they have a clause in their contract that promises an
"All-U-Can-Eat" buffet after a televised match. Kane had a head full
of
Shmo-saliva after the match, (which clashed with his "Curls-Up" styling
gel), but at least the Shmo-singlet didn't rip this time (hyuk)
2) Who weirder than Goldust? Nobody!
3) Mikey Cole - for his 1930's dustbowl haircut. I was ready to
put on a Woody Guthrie record.
4) Regal - for whining about his "bloody belt." Waaah-bloody
fuckin'-waaaah
5) Lawler - for constantly asking where Stacy was. If she's the
Duchess of Dudleyville, does that make him the Duke of Puke?
6) Godfather & his hi (plural of "ho") - Where did the extra one
in the ring come from? Oh.it's Lillian. Funny how she just blended
right in.
7) Christian - for wearing a mesh bag like the kind onions are
packed in.
8) Vince's limo "driver" - he looked like he was about 12
9) Billy & Chuck - for their stretching routine before their
match, and for their actions (especially Chuck) during the match.
10) Trish - for her foil costume. Now we know what happened to
Jericho's old tin-foil shirts. Fire up the grill! Wait, burning
plastic emits toxic fumes.
11) The "Boogah D/Dribble Aych, not a dribble dret, I wouldn't do dat
dink" match. See how much better the announcers would be if we could
replace Lawler with Patterson? "Buppies!! Buppies!! Lookit Bradshaw's
buppies!" On second thought..
12) The guy dressed like Superman. If he went crazy then would you
still call him Superman?
13) Steph - the hair looked worse than usual, if such a thing is even
possible. Also, she looks like she's been slacking off the Stacker II
and hitting the "all-u-can-eat" places with Shmo and Kane. Today
everyone is walking around saying "What? What?" and they're *not*
imitating Austin - they're suffering the effects of Steph's screeeeechy
voice.
14) JR - for yet another "scalded dog" comment. I think he's trying
to tell us something. Yep, I think JR scalds dogs and simmers them in
his bar-b-q sauce. Next thing you know, JR will open a chain of
Vietnamese restaurants!
15) Clash of the Crybabies match - Waaangle vs Waaaaustin
Weird signs:
"Bucky luvz Tina" : I shudder to think what their kids will look like.
"Billy's Gunn" : Is this like "Where's Waldo"? I've looked,
and I
don't see Billy's Gunn. I think Chyna took it.
"Admit _________ to Yale!" : I didn't catch the name on the sign.
Somehow, I doubt Yale's Director of Admissions watches RAW.
Good stuff:
a)Taker beating the snot out of Maven
b)Taker's interview with Maven's dad, Coach:
"Are those your real teeth? Do you want to keep them?" I thought his
next line would be "Then be sure to brush and floss after meals, and see
your dentist every 6 months."
c)Christian (aka Onion Man) attacking Steph
d)HHH giving Steph the "evil moose" look and kicking her to the curb.
Does this mean she'll disappear from tv? Not a chance...
e)Crowd chants of "You suck"/"What?" throughout the Austin/Angle
match
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of costumes made from kitchen equipment such
as foil & onion bags. Now if someone came out dressed as
a cheese-grater...)