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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Jan 7th, 2002
Happy New Year!
31 months of FuckWads and no end in sight....
For those of you who didn't know, wrestlingsucks is back after a long
abscense. Stop by and read their new stuff. And while you're at it,
don't forget to visit declipsed-wrestling to read Speedy's latest "Bitch
Seat" and view her phunny photos.
The first FuckWad Award of 2002 is presented to Jerry Lawler. Pre-teen
boys share his obsession with tit, but since he's older than their
fathers, he's an embarrassment. And in Redneck Land, Lawler is the same
age as their grandfathers. Lawler's in denial..he thinks he's Beavis
(and/or Butthead) but he doesn't seem to notice he's a flabby
middle-aged redneck with a body shaped like a Great Northern bean, a
screechy voice, and a gimmick that sucks. He's still trying to hook up
with women young enough to be his daughter (didn't he learn *anything*
from the last one?) and he plays with squirt guns when he's not playing
with *himself*. I never spent any time in Memphis, other than just
driving through it. Please tell me all middle-aged men who live there
are *not* like Lawler! Here ya go, King Shit (of Turd Mountain): take
your FuckWad Award, go home, and show it to your 15 year old girlfriend.
I guess it's just a matter of time before we see her on RAW..
Big Show also gets an honorary "First FuckWad of the Year" for
re-injuring Taker. (*hissss*)
The first MiniWads of 2002 are awarded to the following:
1) Vince: for walking like he had a load in his pants and for his
"wiseguy wannabe" pinstriped suit/black shirt combo. Vinnie wants to be
The Teflon Don but he looked more like Norman Bates' mother with the wig
and bathrobe. I wonder if Linda minded that he borrowed her stuff?
2) Ric(k) Flair: he's old and he's *not* entertaining (except to
people who think shouting "Whooo" after each sentence is "entertaining."
These are the same people that bitch about Austin's heavy use of "What")
So how can an old has-been get a reaction from the crowd? It's a
no-brainer: Blade! I'm sure the wrestlers would prefer a blood
sacrifice at the end of the show rather than the beginning, though.
3) The make-up people: for overuse of the fake bruise make-up.
First Vince, then RVD..same eye, same size, same color...
4) The midget bimbi: for invading New York. Terri reminds me of
Kim Hunter in the original "Planet of the Apes." (and that's *with*
Kim's monkey-makeup) All we need is the bowlegged stereotypical organ
grinder. He can dress Terri in a little red coat, hand her a tin cup,
and watch the nickels and dimes roll in. Well, now we know what her
plans are after leaving WWF. Trish might have improved since her debut,
but she's still no wrestler. What a waste of air time.
5) Chucky & Billy: Their new music should be the old Ricki Lee
Jones tune, "Chuck E.'s in Love." Billy told Chuck to pull out his
hose. Jesus, that made me sick. There's something about a man in vinyl
briefs, white go-go boots, and cropped, bleached hair that just makes my
"gaydar" go off. Well, Billy went home happy: he got "worm."
6) Albert: for the ugly pants and the unfortunate pairing with
the gay community of wrestlers.
7) Coach's twin sister: who is she and why is she there? Oh
yeah.affirmative action quotas, right?
8) Austin: for his "whats", for counting on his fingers, for
holding Cole's hand (awww), and for wearing a maxi-pad on his head.
9) Bossman: for being paired up with Booker instead of a more
worthy opponent (like Big Shmo's big dead dad, maybe)
10) Rikishi: Can he do anything else besides clean his ass on his
opponent's face?
11) 4H: I've added another "H", since he's gone from annoyingly
pumped to over 'roided mutant. I'm not sorry to uhhhh see him back
uhhhh, but I didn't uhhhh miss him uhhh while he was gone uhhhh. Seeing
something like that *shirtless* is about as appealing as seeing a
shirtless Anorex-Jeff Harhardeee. HHHH reminds me of a Macy's
Thanksgiving Parade balloon. The good thing about his return is the
possibility of a 4H/UT match, but I won't hold my breath. 4H will feud
with Austin and Rock while Taker will continue to destroy his way
through the mid-carders. (sigh)
Good Stuff:
Taker's promo
Tazz & Spike becoming Tag Team champs
Jazz ruining the wet t-shirt midget bimbi match and pissing off Lawler
Sign: "Nipple H"
Cenny
(Hoping to see better things in the WWF this year.)