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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Oct 15th, 2001
RAW didn't suck (much) but the channel it's shown on did. With TNN,
either the sound is fucked up, or the color is fucked up. Weird thing
is, it's only the color red. It looks "blacklight orange." Looking at
the *real* orange (not the imposter, red) is like looking directly at
the sun. Despite all this, I watched the entire show and got the urge
to write an old-format column this week. Shocking, isn't it?
Old school FuckWad:
The FuckWad of the Week Award goes to:
Test, for interfering in Booger Tea's Last Ride. Obviously, the rabid
rabbit (not to be confused with the rabid wolverine) was jealous of
Booker's position.
"Nobody sits up there except ME! Get off him, you bitch, he's mine!"
Test apparently thought there was more to his relationship with Taker
than just being hoisted up and slammed back down into the mat. A couple
of weeks ago, when "Hare-lip" almost caused Taker to fall backwards over
the ropes and take a one-way trip to paraplegic land (*hissss*), Taker
saved them both by getting a better grip on his slippery opponent. He
grabbed whatever he could get hold of, and it didn't matter if it was a
handful of fake leather or a handful of fake dick. In this case,
Taker's grabbing of the groin saved Test from falling off. But Test
believed it was a "sign" that he was special. Sorry Test - the Deadman
already has a big ugly bleached blond "man" in his life. He's got no
room for *you*. So take your FuckWad and hop on out of here.
MiniWads to the following "talents" (cough):
a) Trish: for talking (ugh) and for showing us what was under her
coat (yecchhh). Foley's good line was a few weeks too late: ".take her
home, put her in a cage, and watch my kids poke her with sticks." So
*that's* what DDP had in mind for his stalker victim...
b) Big Show: for the little kick he did in the ring. This was
*after* he threw the Dudleys out of the ring, so who the fuck was he
trying to kick?
c) Stacy: for insulting all Dudleys by posing as a Dudlee-wannabee
d) Stephanie McMammory: Her voice hurts my ears more than the
last few notes in the high treble section of a cheap piano. And that
"new and improved" (not) chest of hers makes her look like the leader of
a La Leche meeting. My grandmother had 10 kids and nobody used bottles
and formula back in those days. Even *she* didn't sag that much!
e) Shane: for being a fat-assed, annoying piece of crap. If
"Southpark" was ever a live action show, he could be Cartman, and his
sister could do the voice.
f) Regal: for still hanging on to his "commissionership."
g) Austin: What?
h) Rhyno: I thought he got rid of the "R" shirt? It stands for a)
retarded; b) repulsive; c) ridiculous; d) all of the above..
i) Jericho, Raven, Mike Awful and even RVD for all the run-ins
and interference.
j) DDP: one word: Retire! Okay, 2 words: You suck!
k) X-Pac: It was so quiet when he came out, you could've heard a
fart in the nosebleed section. Maybe DDP can leave and take "XXP" with
him?
l) JR: for throwing discretion aside and whispering homo-erotic
fantasies in Edge's ear. No wonder he ran away! Either that, or JR was
offering Edge a lifetime supply of his bar-b-que sauce.
m) The writer who came up with the "oh-so-original" plot directed at
Edge. We've never seen that before! Well, never in the last 2 shows,
anyway. ("That's long enough.the viewers will never remember that it's
been used 50 times already.")
n) Angle: for trying (and failing) to look like Taker.
o) Booker: for being the only guy whose crowd response rivaled
X-Pac's.
p) Austin(again): for the word "Redneck" prominently displayed on
the back of his vest. That's like Steph wearing a shirt with the word
"Implants" on it, or her brother wearing one with the word "Fat."
q) Kane: for playing "Follow the Leader" with Test through the
crowd. Naturally, Taker wanted to play too, depriving us of seeing him
again. I understand. They had to leave "Cause and Effect" alone
together in the ring.
Cause: Turd Dangle
Effect: Ass Stain
Good Stuff:
1) Foley as commissioner again, even if he pimps his newest book.
2) Tajiri and his green mist. And let's not forget his
fascination with the "great Wight whale" (aka "the glate Light lale.")
3) Austin's speech in the ring being drowned out by the crowd's
"RVD" chants. Who would've thought 3 years ago that this would ever
happen? (Now I'll get hate mail saying "RVD was not in the WWF 3 years
ago, neway!")
4) Who better than (shirtless) Taker? Nobody!
5) The "Sabu" sign in the crowd. I think Vince should just get ALL
the ECW roster and get rid of ALL the WCW one.
6) Taker's impressive performance in the ring (until Test fucked
it up).
I finally saw "Blair Witch II" and I can't get the final scene out of my
head. But instead of the guy in the movie, I'm picturing Vince crying
after a WWF ppv and saying "The tape is allll wronngggggg!!"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the world of terrorism. Osama: Yo mama! For hours of
on-line fun, be sure to visit:
http://www.newgrounds.com/collections/osama.html)