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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Nov 19th, 2001
An ass shows his ass, a boob returns only to comment on boobs, Taker
wasn't on the show, and the old guy that yells "Woooo" is now part of
the WWF. Should I be excited about all this?
This week's FuckWad Award can be shared equally by Vince and Lawler.
Isn't Lawler embarrassed to come back after sharing his personal
problems with the entire world? I always suspected he was a little
weird, but after reading his whiney "proclamations" back when he left
the WWF and his teenage wife left him, I'm convinced the guy needs help.
Maybe he and Vince can get a two-for-one special rate at the
therapist's. Does Vince really think people want to see his ass? I've
seen hideous sights on RAW many times, but nothing compares to this!
(and right before Thanksgiving, too) I won't be able to look at mashed
potatoes without thinking of Vince's lumpy white ass (urrrp)
Other wad-worthy moments include:
1) Mick Foley leaving the WWF. How will he pimp his books now
that he can't get into the ring and hold up a copy of his latest
literary masterpiece?
2) JR for his lame (and incorrect) Beatles reference: "koo koo
kachu: the walrus is gone"
Well, the Beatles got it right when they sang "the walrus is Paul" That
could be both Heyman and Wight! I don't need a tape measure to know
that Heyman and JR wear the same size pants (size "short and portly")
3) Lawler for his obsession with tits. He should've had a career
in mammography.
4) Trish as the Women's Champion? Oh, I forgot - the belt
couldn't possibly go to a *real* wrestler. Other past belt-holders
include Steph and Sable (gag)
5) Shane's impressive weight gain: at this rate, his boobs will
soon be the same size as his sister's.
6) Steph's horrible voice..I'm thankful to whoever invented the
mute button.
7) Rock for bitch-slapping Angle throughout their match. What an
"impressive" move!
8) Angle cried a couple times during that match.
9) Jericho thinks he's Ken Shamrock, the way he's been acting
lately. Wait a minute..didn't Shamrock disappear *before* Jericho came
in? Hmmmmm.
10) Regal: no matter what he ever does in life, he'll always be known
as the man who kissed Vince's ass. We know he's not the first, but the
others weren't televised.
Much as I hate Vince, I do like the idea of a Kiss-My-Ass club (and no,
I don't mean it literally, like Vince!) The following people are
cordially invited to join Cenny's Kiss-My-Ass Club:
a) Everyone who says Taker's too old and should retire but at the
same time they're marking out over Rick ("I'll-never-see-50-again")
Flair.
b) People who say Taker doesn't sell in the ring.
c) People who think Sara "deserves" a spot in the WWF just because
she's married to someone who's in the WWF.
d) People who think all wrestling fans are toothless uneducated
idiots.
e) People who send me hate mail, yet come back each week to read
my column.
f) People who write a column, maintain a website, etc. and think
they're too important to acknowledge someone's email. When someone
takes the time to write to *you* to tell you how much they enjoy your
work, it wouldn't kill you to take a minute to thank them for writing.
g) People who invent ridiculous stories about themselves on
message boards and think everybody's stupid enough to believe it.
Examples include:
"I'm a professional wrestler. My name? Uh.I'm not supposed to say.."
"I'm a poor homeless person who lives in a cardboard box on a sidewalk.
How do I get on-line? I use a computer at the library. How can I post
messages late at night *after* the library is closed? Uh.."
"Me and my friend were at Burger King and like, oh my god, Undertaker
was there too, and he joined us at our table and talked to us and he was
like so kewl and my friend took a picture but too bad the picture didn't
turn out or I woulda posted it."
"I'm a doktor. I am a brayne surjun but I like wressling to."
"I have a terminal illness and have been told I have less than 2 days to
live. I'm hooked up to 5 different machines and have a morphine drip in
my arm, but I have enough energy to type 200-word posts several times a
day! I'm in ICU, but I still manage to somehow have a tv (with cable)
so I can chat about RAW and Smackdown each week!"
h) People who post pro "________" messages at an anti "__________"
site OR people who post anti "________" messages at a pro "_________"
site.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates it. Try not to think of
Vince's ass while you're sitting down to dinner. It could be worse..it
could've been a thong!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of bare asses, unless they're
attached to hot men)