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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Dec 3rd, 2001
I only watched the first half of the show. The best thing I saw was the
Game Boy Advance commercial. It was the one in the Opera House, where
the string section's bows turned into flaming arrows and the chandelier
turned into a monster. If that's how it *really* was at the Opera or
Symphony, I'd have season tickets.
This week's FuckWad Award (for the first hour of the show) is presented
to:
Rick Flair
Tracey N. e-mailed me and wanted to know if the Nursing Home realizes
that he's missing. Well, my guess is, they think he's still safely
tucked away in the Tourette's Syndrome ward (along with D-Lo Brown).
The elderly seem especially fond of shows like "Wheel of Fortune" and
"The Price is Right", so unless somebody changes the channel on Monday
night, they won't see Flair on tv and know that he's gone AWOL from the
Nursing Home.
I'll probably get a hate-mail for those comments. I can see it now:
"His name is RIC, not Rick, you dum biatch! He's the gratest wressler
ever and he's younger then Undertaker to, n-e-way!!"
Uh...
I hate kreative zpelling, so n-e one named "Rick" will have a "k" at the
end of his name when I'm the one writing about it, k?
Maybe he *was* a great wrestler at one time, but so was Killer Kowalski
and we don't see *him* on RAW, do we?
Why can't Flair just open a wrestling school somewhere? He's old, his
hair is greasy, and he lisps. Why not just bring back Chyna? As for
his age, Mr. "Wooo" is probably 15 years older than Mr. Taker.
Small shiny fuckwads to:
1) Jericho: Someone needs to tell him that hair extensions should
match the color of the wearer's hair. I guess the hair department was
all out of bim-blond, so he had to settle for red.
2) Stacy: For trying to be a Dudley (gag). That's about as
effective as X-Pac trying to be a wrestler. Why not bring back Luna to
fill the role of "female Dudley"? She'd be a natural!
3) Kane: He still sucks and he'll never be better than he is now.
If he can only get his opponent 3 feet off the ground for a chokeslam,
maybe he should get a "new" move. (an original one this time.)
4) Big Show: Somebody please send this guy back to SeaWorld!
Shamu is lonely in his whale tank and would welcome the company. Shmo
looks like he gained back all the weight he "supposedly" lost.
Personally, I think he was just holding his stomach in to fool us.
5) Vince: he didn't show his ass, but he's still an ass.
6) Whoever held up the signs that said: "I Smell" and "My teeth
don't like you." Next time, ask your friends for sign ideas. Wait a
minute,,,,you smell, and you bite people. No wonder you have no
friends!
7) Albert & Scotty: for reminding me of a gay couple
8) Rock: for kissing Trish. Oh well, I kiss my dog sometimes, so
maybe Rock just misses his dog?
9) Tajiri & Spike: in the good old ECW days, they'd have
decimated guys like the Hardlys. But I keep forgetting, we're not in
ECW anymore. This is WWF, where ECW stars are (mostly) treated like
shit.
10) The "Hardy Wars": zzzzz. Just another cat-fight. I know Lita
could beat up Jeff (and probably Matt too)
I quit watching when it was time for the Jericho/Austin match. I *knew*
Austin would win (Didn't everybody?)
Forget any kind of religious significance, Christmas means one thing:
Presents. Here's some new WWF merchandise that's sure to thrill
everyone on your gift list:
1) The Steve Austin karaoke machine: Plays all your favorite
red-neck tunes
2) Austin cologne: smells like beer
3) X-Pac cologne: smells like bong water
4) Austin hearing aids: (what?) These little bald heads fit
discreetly into any ear
5) Jeff Hardy Circus kit: Now anyone can be a clown, with the
assortment of purple and blue wigs this kit includes
6) Shane's Super-deluxe E-Z-Bake oven: Create tons of tasty
treats for all your friends. Got no friends? No problem! Eat
everything yourself and look just like Shane!
7) Big Show tub-time fun: Cranky kids will beg for bath-time if
they can take along Big Show! He floats and even has a blow-hole in his
chin (just like Vince)
8) Rock's "kiss-a-skank" board game: Roll the dice and move the
plastic eyebrow around the board, but watch where you land! If it's a
"skank-block" you have to pick a card to find out which skank Rock will
kiss. There's even 50 bonus points awarded for players who pick either
the "Sara" card or the "Billy Gunn" card.
9) Kryin' Kurt doll: comes with miniature Olympic medals and a
wrestling belt. Simply remove either of the accessories to start Kurt
crying. Waaaah! Waaaah! When it gets annoying, just replace the
accessories to shut him up. Also comes with the "Komplaining Karen"
doll. Pull her string and listen to her bitch about RVD!
10) Tazz Bowl-a-Rama: Set up the Tazz shaped bowling pins and knock
them down with the Tazz-shaped ball
11) Kopy-Kat-Kane: Pull his string to hear 10 original Undertaker
phrases
12) Stephanie dog whistle: Train any dog while using this special
whistle that emits a high-pitched shrieking sound, just like Steph's
voice!
13) Mr. WWF Head: Similar to Mr Potato Head, this comes with Saturn
eyes, Edge teeth, Vince chin, Brisco ears, HHH nose, and other bizarre
facial features
14) Homo-Cut-a-Promo: Players take turns with the microphone.
There's many others, including the "JR talking meat thermometer", which
has a tendency to confuse pork and chicken, The Flair Hair Care kit,
etc.
Cenny
(Hoping to find a "Mr. WWF Head" under the tree on Christmas morning.)