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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Feb 18th, 2002
NWO is New Wad Order
RAW = Nauseating Wrinkled Oldtimers
This FuckWad of the Week Award is presented to:
Hulk Hogan
(Let's go "old school" this week)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things *you* don't:
1) Taker doesn't make anti-Semitic remarks. Check out Hogan's
monologue: ".whuh *jew* gonna do" and "that's whuh *jew* did
to
me." I think Herr Hogan needs a voice coach.
2) Taker doesn't mention bimbos formerly employed by the WWF.
Hogan said: "There's nobody in this business who sold out more *'renas*
than me." Nobody wants to hear about Sable! (except Lawler)
3) Taker still has hair. When Hogan lost his babushka in the
ring, we were all treated to a view of ridged and wrinkled Klingon head.
Too bad this didn't happen last week, or I could've thrown in a dog-show
comment, such as: Hogan had a Shar Pei on his head.
4) Taker wouldn't dump an entire box of tools on the ground, just
to find the hammer. Real men treat tools with respect.
5) Taker's facial hair is 100% real hair and not charcoal and
cotton strips, like yours.
Now lumber on up here, get your award, and hit the road. And tell your
friends Nicole-Bass-Nash and Pennzoil-Head-Hall their turns will come
*next time.*
MiniWads (wadsamatteryou) to:
a) Austin: for gargling with Drano (and sounding like Malenko);
for throwing the chair into the ring and having it bounce off the ropes
and *almost* hit him; and for his comment, "Ah want a piece of nWo ass."
(ewww, which one?)
b) Angle: for his line:"I hate crybabies - that's why I've brought
these men with me." Are they the "sobbing security"? The "Kleenex
Kops"?
c) Jeff: Remember, choosy faggots choose Jef . He blinded me with
his neon green shirt and his Ronald McDonald hair.
d) Christian: for his safety demonstration of what happens when
you're in the bathtub and that hairdryer you plugged in and forgot about
(on the shelf above you) falls into the water. I'm glad I don't have
any electrical outlets in my bathroom.
e) Steph: for her oh-so-ugly top (covering her oh-so-ugly udders).
Isn't that one of those things people put on the fronts of their cars?
And isn't it called a "car bra"?
f) The so-called magician who's really just a masochist in
disguise. He's going to do a show at WWF-NY. Hmmmm, somebody's seen
"Hellraiser" one time too many.
g) Mr. Poifect: Maybe he should stay so Kane has an opponent he
can look good with in the ring. And I'd like to say thanks again to both
Rose and Zak - 2 Kane fans who are open-minded enough to write and tell
me how much they like my columns.
h) Rock: I'm a big "Fred & Ginger" fan and just watched "Top
Hat"
on Sunday (for about the 100th time) When Rock wouldn't let go of
Hogan's hand and pulled him towards him, I thought they'd start dancing,
or Rock would start singing "Heaven.I'm in heaven."
i) The whole nWo tries to kill Rock routine: Hogan pulled an
"Austin" and showed us that he can drive one of them thar big ol'
trucks
too! And JR shit hisself - hyuk!
j) The Moohlah look-a-like behind the announcers who kept waving
at the camera.
k) The Booker/Godfather match: Ok, so they both suck. That's all
the more reason why JR & Lawler should've at least attempted to call
this match, instead of ignoring it and focusing on "the Rock travesty."
It's scary to see Booker wearing "official Chuck-n-Billy shorts."
I
also thought Steph was in the ring, but it was one of Godfather's hi
(plural of ho)
l) Michael Cole/Kryin' Kurt interview: Comparing their ears is
like comparing X-Pac's ass to Rikishi's.
m) The X-Box commercial: It was for a game called "Reckless" about
the Yakuza. So I guess if you lose, you have to cut off your little
finger?
n) Lillian: Why does Finkle wear a tux, but Lillian dresses like
Steph?
o) 4H: Looks like he needs to be the "Stridex" spokesman again.
Check out his back - ugh! Maybe JR's all-purpose bar-b-q sauce will
clear up that acne. Maybe laying off the 'roids would clear it up even
better?
p) JR's comments (and all his bellowing too): I could write an
entire column on these alone..
"There is no way you can slice this and make it right." (It creeps
me
out to know JR has a camera hidden in my kitchen!)
"Somebody give Christian a bottle!" (Now he's trying to force his
bar-b-q sauce on the wrestlers!)
"A bad case of the lemon-tail." (Or was that "lemming" tail?)
"We certainly appreciate you inviting us into your house." (I had
a lot
of company over the holidays, but I thought the fat guy in the black hat
was one of my in-laws.)
Good Stuff:
a) A pissed-off Taker confronting Ric Flair. He's great when he's
mad, isn't he? But why was he wearing a telephone cord around his neck?
b) Regal's facial expression - the only good thing about him.
c) Seeing Uncle Sam in the front row. I didn't know he was a fan..
d) Sign: "Bill Nye" Wow! The Science Guy was there too?
e) Sign: "Hogan Fears Aging" Actually, I think Hogan fears mirrors..
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Klingon-head..)