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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Mar 11th, 2002
RAW is Nauseating..
It's amazing how much HHH resembles his dog, Lucy. It's also amazing
that anybody could think animal cruelty is entertaining.
I'm sure I wasn't the only one who noticed how Steph (also known as
Triple M: Massive Mammary McMahon), gripped the dog's face and twisted
its neck. She did this more than once, although one time is too many.
Add to that her screechy voice aimed directly at the dog. Some of you
might not be "dog-people" but it doesn't take a genius to see how
much a
harsh voice hurts a dog. The poor thing was probably thinking "What'd I
do?" So then FairyCo joins in on the yelling and scolding of Lucy. All
I can say is, I really hope the McMahon family doesn't have any dogs.
Whoever wrote and booked this show deserves the biggest FuckWad of all.
For the last RAW before a ppv, especially the so-called *big one*,
Wrestlemania, Monday's show was awful. I'll bitch till the cows come
home, and hopefully they'll take their sister, Massive Mammary McMahon,
with them...It's about time she leaves tv and rejoins the herd.
Was it really necessary to have so many "Vinnie meeting" segments
on the
show? All of that time could've been used for an actual match, or maybe
even a backstage interview with a wrestler. Well, at least Shane was
missing, but I'm sure he'll turn up soon enough.
Can I say anything positive about the show? Uh...
Edge's comment to Booker was good. I can't remember the exact words but
it was something like, "I find it strange that someone with the word
*book* in his name has never read one."
DDP continues to get beaten down by ugly blondes (it must be in his
contract) and continues to look more and more like a burn victim every
time I see him.
Jazz still looks just like Essa Rios.
Big Show continues to get bigger each week, and RAW continues to get
shittier each week. I'm not even sure Taker could've made a difference.
Maybe he got wind of the "Lucy" story and decided to stay home...
Wrestlemania Predictions:
I predict that I'll be at a St. Patrick's Day party drinking green beer
and doing shots of whisky while harmonizing to classic tunes such as "Oh
Danny Boy" as old men who look like leprechauns cheer me on.
1) Edge v Booker T: The battle of the bulging-eyed wrestlers will end
with Edge spearing Booker while he's distracted studying his hand.
2) Angle v Kane: Angle will try to rip Kane's mask off, and after
several unsuccessful attempts, will begin to cry in frustration. He'll
somehow win, probably after doing his "amazing Angle ankle-lock" while
Kane's shoe comes off and nobody even notices. There'll be "you suck"
chants throughout the match, but then it'll get really quiet as the
crowd wonders which of the opponents suck more than the other one.
3) Regal v RVD: Regal will give his usual hideous facial expression and
RVD will do his gymnast routine, ending with RVD as the winner.
4) Jazz v Lita v Trish: Prior to the match, Lawler will be squealing
about "puppies". Trish might even get her shirt ripped off, exposing
her
black push-up bra, and causing Lawler to scream in delight (I'm making
myself sick here..) We have one good wrestler, one somewhat adequate
wrestler who can jump off of turnbuckles and get an "ooooh" from the
crowd, and one bimbo with the facial snarl, bleached blonde hair, and
inflated chest that Vinnie equates with "Women's Champion." Guess
who'll win? Yep, Trish. If this belt had any credibility, Jazz would
win. If this belt had any credibility, her opponents would be Molly and
Ivory instead.
5) Chuck-n-Billy v Dudleys v APA v Hardys: I predict that Chuck and
Billy will get into a cat fight after one of them catches the other one
ogling Jeff. All three of them, along with Matt, will sneak off to get
better acquainted. That'll leave the real men in the ring. There'll be
plenty of shattered tables and shattered vertebrae with the APA as the
winners (I hope) If I was watching this match, I'd make sure I adjusted
my color to plain old black & white so Jeff's shirt and hair wouldn't
blind me. If you're watching this where you can't adjust the color
(like at your 6'5" 400 lb. friend's house.) I would suggest donning
welder's glasses for this match.
6) Austin v Hall: Prior to the match, Austin will be interviewed and
will talk like one of those insecure girls whose voices go up into
"question mode" after everything they say. This will give the crowd
plenty of opportunities to yell "what" after every 2 or 3 words spoken
by Steve-O. Can anyone see Stone Cold losing? He'll blade-n-bleed all
over the mat while Hall swallows his toothpick and begins gagging in the
ring. While Hall's distracted trying to hack up the toothpick, Austin
will stunner him for the win. JR will bellow "Stunner!! Stunner!! Stone
Cold!! Stone Cold!!"
7) Rock v Hogan: The battle of the lamest finishing move in wrestling
history will consist of Rock finally winning with his deadly people's
elbow. Look for an interview backstage before the match, complete with
raised eyebrow and boring catchphrases. Also look for Hogan to appear
more wrinkly than usual. Don't try to adjust your color.he really *is*
orange.
8) Jericho v Triple H (w/ Triple M shrieking at ringside): I tend to
block out McMahon-tv, so I really don't remember if Steph and Shane were
at odds with each other last time he was on tv. If they were, then
Shane will run in and help HHH win. If they were on friendly terms
before Shane left, then he'll run in and help Jericho win, but it'll
somehow go wrong, since I can't imagine Jericho winning this one. Look
for Steph to be wearing cheap-ass clothes several sizes too small, and
flopping around, showing a roll of belly flab. The next day, look for
some pimply geek to post somewhere on a message board about how "hot"
Steph looked. During the match, JR will insult Steph with lines from
cheesy 1940's movies, calling her things like "jezebel." Wow, that's
harsh, isn't it? Meanwhile, Lawler will screech in her defense. I'm
hoping she gets pedigreed, her implants burst, and we don't see her on
tv for awhile. Jericho will be wearing mismatched prints made of shiny
foil, and looking like a midget next to the amazon woman, Triple M.
9) Taker v Flair: Flair will blade and Taker will dominate him although
he'll fall down a few times too, just to make Flair look good.. Junior
Flair will run out to help his dad, but Taker will knock him out and
toss him out of the ring. Taker will maintain his perfect Wrestlemania
record by winning this one. On the other hand, Flair might win, but
let's hope not.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of cows who mistreat dogs)