|
|
First FuckWad column: June 7, 1999
Celebrating 3 years of heartless humor and obnoxious observations
RAW is Regurgitating (aka Piss on it - Pass the Creamed Corn)
First of all, I'd like to thank my loyal readers for their emails,
comments etc. Because of *you* (yes, you), I've decided to dust off
those neglected FuckWad Awards and hand them out once again to everyone
mentioned below (except Taker, of course)
Since I haven't been watching lately, Monday night's show was the first
time I saw BenWaah since last year. Go figure - he found time for a
hair transplant, but couldn't find time for a dental implant, and we're
talking only *one* tooth here.
Mr. GayRearO had me asking what could be worse than a guy in a mullet
(ugh) speaking in an overdone Hispanic accent. I didn't have long to
wait for the answer: A giant Austin head on the Titantron, talking
nonsense and getting a "What" from the feebs in the crowd after every
2
words.
I didn't think it could get any worse but we all know it did...
Thank you, Vince, for treating us to a new and improved Austin - the
"Bladder Bursting Baldie." I can't believe I used to be grossed out
at
close-ups of Big Shmo's big snot or the prosthetic leg incident from a
few years back. I forgot all about that second one until I saw Nash and
HBK together in the ring. Remember when they were feuding and Nash
ripped Mad Dog Vachon's artificial leg off, using it as a weapon on
Shawn Michaels? And then Shawn got hold of it and swung it like a
baseball bat. I thought that was the most tasteless thing I ever saw
until Monday night's shit-fest.
Flair is wad-worthy for still wrestling at age 75 (or thereabouts).
Austin asked: Does he like nature? Does he like boys? For that matter,
does Steve Austin like stone? Does he like cold? I like *stone* houses
(and getting *stone*d) and I like *cold* weather, so does that make *me*
"stone cold"? Yechhh.
Bradshaw is our newest Hardcore chamPEEon. Did you see him try to leap
up onto the ring steps and completely miss them? Hyar
I liked Booker T's line re Goldust: "If he beats X-Pac, that ratty lil
sucka is out." I think the ratty lil sucka should've been out a long
time ago. Why does X-Pac still wear Kane's mask? Why does he look like
Arlo Guthrie's son? Why was he allowed to defeat Goldust?
I can't sit through Bimbi matches (complete with Lawler squealing like
the pig he is) and I can't stand the sight of Lesnar either, so I took a
lengthy break from the show at this point. I returned just in time for
Taker, Tommy, and the industrial-sized can of creamed corn. It's
terrible to think people who never watched ECW will only remember
Dreamer for these disgusting "sports entertainment" skits. It's also
an
insult to the Heavyweight champ to be fighting gay little Jeff and his
only slightly less gay brother Matt. When Austin or HHH have the belt,
do *they* get involved in storylines featuring JeffuckinHardy? Hell no!
Why did Taker grab the fan sign that read "Fat Man Walking" and rip
it
up? Was it due to the fact that he's supposed to be a heel and heels do
things like that? Or, is he getting sensitive about his shape? I think
he looks just fine, myself. I could think of a few guys in WWF who have
one foot over the "fat line" already, and Taker ain't one of them.
When Nash came out to announce the newest nWo member, I was expecting a
panda or maybe a zebra. Why not? They're black and white and seen on
the wwf website. I wasn't expecting HBK. Why is Vince bringing back
all these former wrestlers? Does he really think he can turn the
business around and make it as profitable as it was in the mid 90's? I
think Shawn's only back for his mic skills, since Nash doesn't appear to
have any.
I quit watching after that, since I knew Austin would defeat Flair
(zzzzzz)
I'll close by saying it's nice of Vince to hire retarded people to work
for him, but I don't think they should be given the responsibility of
writing the scripts.
Cenny
(Hoping to see Vader take Nash's place.)