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Fuckwad of the Week Award: July 9th, 2001
RAW is WWCWFECW
What does it mean? It means former ECW guys are being used in
order to generate interest in the upcoming ppv. After that, they'll
languish backstage (or worse yet, be forced to job to XPac).
Before the "Evil Empire of Extreme" appeared, I was ready to turn off the tv and begin my "Farewell" column. But now, it depends on how this latest development goes. Just thinking about Tommy Dreamer or RVD jobbing to XPac is making me sick.....
By now, you know we're experiencing technical difficulties with my board, but things will be back to normal soon. This gives "ihavenolife@aol.com" (aka "I'm 35, unemployed, and still living with my parents") a rare chance to feel good about herself. She'll make the round of loser-boards, gloating that she shut *me* down the same way she shut the Forest board down (riiiight), due to my comments about "The Holy Blessed Trinity" (Taker, Kane, and Sara). This person is the type that believes the stories about "kidney thieves" and "the gang-member who'll crawl under your car when you stop to get gas, reaching his 6 foot arm out to sever your achilles tendon, disabling you, throwing your screaming, bleeding self into the back seat of your car, then driving off to a secluded place to cut off your head and take it back to the gang in a bizarre initiation rite.....pass this on to all your friends!! This is not a hoax!!"
This pitiful soul deserves a FuckWad, but she won't get this week's.
Nope...this week's award is going to Jim Ross for this comment he made at 10:49 pm Monday night:
"You ought to call all your friends and neighbors about the 10-man tag coming up. This is a one night only event, folks!"
Hmmm, who would appreciate a phone call at almost 11 pm? How about the people whose mother is close to death in the local Nursing Home? Or how about the parents of the premature baby in the Neo-Natal ICU at the local hospital? How about the woman whose alcoholic husband got off work at 5pm, and she hasn't heard from him since? Well, how about the parents of a 16 year old, who went out at night for the first time after getting his driver's license? And let's not forget all the people who actually *work* for a living, and get up at 5 am each day. Yep, all of the above would be delighted to receive a call at 11pm, because good ol' JR said so!
I have a feeling a lot of people are pissed off at Jim Ross today.
He also called Mike Awesome "Mike Austin" and look how he insulted Heyman! (*hissss*) JR called him a "hideous, repulsive human being!" Well, I guess we know the Heyman family won't be putting "JR's BBQ sauce" on their next brisket...oy vey.
MiniWads for these fine (cough) talented (choke) people:
a) Shane (It's not about me) McMahon: for opening the show and for screwing Taker.
b) DDP (It's me, it's me, it's that d-o-double g): for stealing Road Dogg's line and for costing Taker mo' money. He worked a lot of hours to pay for those implants, and you just come along and slam them into the ring? Now you've gone and damaged them, and poor Taker will have to work extra house shows just to have them repaired. Oh the inhumanity!
c) Sara: For the tacky pants that she borrowed from Stephanie. You married a man with a decent income, so why are you still shopping at Wal-Mart? Christ, go to Lord & Taylor! Also, what's with the half-crimp? Not enough time to do the whole head? And check out those big, bare feet! Looks like "D"'s are *not* just a cup-size here. Now she's pretending to be Francine, except Francine doesn't have "man-sized" feet.
d) The bickering between Waastin and Waaangle as they try to out-do each other for Vince's affection. I'm waiting for Vince to say "Cut it out, you two, or I'll turn this car around and go home right now!"
e) Austin: for complaining that Kurt didn't get a badge for "mah wahf."Uh, who would be brave enough to try to pin something on that chest?
f) anoreX-Pac: for appearing twice in one night (and shirtless, too!)
g) Angle: for calling Booger-T "Mother Hubbard". That rhyme always depressed me when I was a kid. I didn't give a shit about the poor old lady in the ghetto. I was sad because her "poor dog" got no bone (because somebody stole her social security check and her cupboard was bare)
h) Kane: for telling Regal that he would replace his "brother" in the handicap match. If he really wanted to be helpful, he could've replaced his brother at the implant repair shop instead.
i) Jeff Har-hardy: notice right after he came out, there was a plug for Burger King? Eat some Whoppers, Jeff (heh)
j) Big Show: for being in a match with a guy who weighs less than one of Show's legs and for ripping Jeff's shirt off of him. Geez...geta room!
k) Trish: for coming out and ruining the moment by kissing Jeff. I was waiting for Show to pick him up and run up the ramp with him, like when Rhett carried Scarlett up the stairs, but Trish had to come out and spoil it!
l) The "breaking news" about the underwear match at the ppv. I feel sorry for Lita, getting involved in a bimbo match.
m) The WCW bimbi: one is old and wrinkled and the other is gangly and has a horrible "i-sucked-helium" voice.
n) Jericho: for coming out to help Kane ("But I wanna do it all by myself!!") Also, check out the green design on Jericho's tights. Didn't theylook like pot leaves?
o) Lance Storm: for looking like a Power Ranger.
p) Scotty: for cutting his gimmick off. Too bad he didn't just cut his head off along with the hair.
q) Stephanie: for coming back to tv, and as the "new owner" of ECW. (Maybe they won't let her talk this time...)
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Good Stuff:
1) The APA finally getting the tag-team belts.
2) Heyman's comment about Sara: "She had no business being in the ring! She's not a trained wrestler, she's a housewife!"
3) When BuhBuh yelled "Screw you!" during his match.
4) Spike: for having his own shirt already! And Bob Holly has to wear a "Deadman Inc" shirt...nyah nyah! Is there a Malenko shirt? How about a Saturn shirt that says "I got my eye on you".
5) Seeing anoreXPac get gored.
6) Sign in crowd: "I fling poo". Well, fling some into the ring! Before the end of the show, the rest was shitty enough that no one would've noticed a few more turds in the ring....
7) Ref fight! Ref fight! Just so Patterson doesn't "do dat dink wita undahweh match." ugh!
8) The APA willing to have a rematch with the Dudleys due to Spike's interference. Now *that* is good sportsmanship! Can you see Austin making that offer?
9) The whole ECW invasion except for these unanswered questions.....
Who will replace Heyman at the announce table?
Why is Steph the new owner?
Will ECW merge into WCW, or will WCW merge into ECW?
I'll be out of town for a week, beginning this Saturday, so there won't be a column on Monday. We're heading to the land of "big hair" and "artery-clogging eats", South Carolina. (and I swear if there really is such a thing as deep-fried bacon, I'll try it!) If you can't live without your weekly FuckWad fix, may I suggest choosing any of the fine columns in the archives? Thanks for your support, and I'll be back with an all-new column in a couple of weeks.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Buff Fagsmell.....)*
*If we can believe the internet rumors, he's already gone!