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Fuckwad of the Week Award: August 20th, 2001
RAW sewage: 8/20/01
Has there ever been a worse show? Sports Entertainment? I'm more
entertained going out in the yard after the Spring thaw and picking up 6
months worth of dog shit. So why do I keep watching? The eternal
optimist in me keeps thinking that things will turn around and wrestling
will be *good* once again. But the realist in me thinks Vinnie's
Wrestling conglomerate will travel the same route as Vinnie's Football
league did. I'll give it a few more weeks and see what happens.
Even this week's signs were uninspired. The only two I noticed, early
in the show, were "SUCK" and "GAAAY". I should've heeded the warnings.
One remotely entertaining thing I saw was the big bra-less heifer in the
front row (a Stephanie wannabe) jumping up and down a few times. I try
*not* to look at people like that, so the fact I was watching her
instead of what was happening in the ring doesn't say much for last
night's show.
Even the commercials were more entertaining than the show. Who *isn't*
reminded of a bad bout of diarrhea after watching a Twix commercial?
And the slob from the Fram oil filter commercial - has he *never* heard
of soap? He leaves his disgusting black handprint over the toilet seat,
his sandwich, and even his wife's ass. Is "Carrot Top" male or female?
He sho is ugly.reminds me of a red-headed Sara. The movie ads amaze me
too - I'm amazed that anyone would pay to see such crap ("Bubble Boy"?
smirk) "Jeepers Creepers" looks mildly entertaining, though.
The first Wad-worthy moment came at the beginning of the show, with 3
women wrestlers vs 1 woman wrestler and 2 wannabes. The tall skinny one
reminds me of a giraffe, but why does she have a round moon face? It
doesn't fit with the rest of her. The other bimbo is just plain nasty.
These 2 have *no* business in the ring, but at least they shared air
time with 4 other *real* wrestlers, unlike some people
(cough..Sara..cough).
Wad #2 goes to Rock for his long boring catch-phrase phestival. Fuck, I
hate midgets! Let me re-word that: I hate seeing midgets on tv being
used for cheap laughs. What's funny about being short with a big head?
Do people laugh at Chris Benoit or Dean Malenko? Well, I do, but that's
a moot point. At first, I thought the little fella *was* Benoit, with a
tan and a wig. It's a good thing there's no McMahon grandchildren, or
*they* would be there playing the part of the midget. Is a blue hell
the same as a plain old hell? Since the Rock already said "fuck" on tv,
couldn't he have just substituted the word "fuck" for "blue-hell"? Flat
Top (Lance's Pantses) has been thpending time with Chyna. Notice his
lithp? He wanted to "challlength Rock to a W-Thee-W title match." He
also mentioned that "your dayth of unabashthed hi-jinxth are about to
end."
The 3rd FuckWad goes to the 12-man match (counting Big Show, it was a
15-man match). It *could have* been good with just Bradshaw, Faarooq
and Spike against Dreamer, Buh-Buh and D'Von, but I understand. All
these poor shmucks that never get any tv time any more had to be given
*something* to do in the ring. This is so fair. All these guys in the
ring together while a wrestler's *wife* gets her own fuckin' match.
I'll bet everyone was just thrilled about that! Billy Gunn gets a
mini-wad for copping a feel off Shmo's blubbery chest at the end of the
match. Awww, he just couldn't resist.. Another mini-wad to the loser
with the Mr. Sun on his ass. Columbo? O'Hara? Who knows? (who cares?)
The 4th wad goes to the interviews about Austin. This includes the guy
who talks like a cross between Road Dogg and Debra and wears the shirt
with the hour-glass on it. (Please don't email me and tell me "his name
is_____________". I don't care.)
It also includes Meat Stay-in-the-back for his constant fuck-ups. Is
this the WWF's idea of getting these guys over? It'll take a lot more
than that!
FuckWad #5 goes to Saturn for this whole mop angle. I'd like him if he
brought the mop to the ring and used it to brutalize his opponents. He
could even shove it up their ass for a finishing move...
I was daydreaming during the Christian/Matt Turdy match. I was thinking
that RAW was in Sacramento, the crazed Ukranian immigrant who killed his
entire family (and is still at large) might have been there and...he
could've been in the crowd, he could've been back stage.shit, he even
could've taken DDP's place in the ring! (wishful thinking)
FuckWad #6 goes to Pinnochio shadow-boxing. (vomit) I also give a
mini-wad to Test for being shown on the tv screen at the same time a
"Clearasil" ad popped up there. Yep - appropriate! Seeing Steph and
Rhyno together had me wondering which was which. It's hard to tell
anymore, isn't it?
I won't give a FuckWad to DDP. I'll just give him my sympathy for being
stuck in this shit-hole story. I thought Mark Henry had the worst story
ever, when he was with Mae Young, but that was *nothing* compared to
this!
The 7thWad of the night goes to whoever is responsible for making guys
like Tazz and Tajiri look weak, to make guys like Austin, X-Crap and
Booger Tea look good. It sucks, and it makes me wonder why these
Talented people would sit by and put up with it. Because they *have
to*?? *hissssssssssssss*
I'll save the worst for last, and move ahead to the Austin tribute.
That was a 5-star FuckWad. I also noticed the crowd looked thinned out,
as if many people had left. Can you blame them? There was probably a
mass exodus as soon as Sara climbed into the ring. The bouncing Austin
head *did* get a laugh out of me, but other than that, this really
sucked. The Milk Man Angle-angle wasn't funny when Austin did it with
beer and it was even less funny when Kurt did it with milk. I'm sure
the audience who got sprayed and maybe had a 2 hour drive home (in the
heat) really appreciated it! Doesn't everybody want to smell like puke?
A fitting ending to this puke-fest of a show!
Now, back to the one moment that deserves a whole truckload of FuckWad
Awards: Sara vs DDP.
The most pointless, more nauseating part of the show, in my opinion.
Backstage, Taker asked Pinnochio "Are you ready for this?" but I think
he was addressing the viewers. My answer was: "No, but I've been
watching you go downhill ever since this crap started, so I might as
well see the rest of it."
I was hoping during the Cole interview with DDP, we'd find that DDP had
somehow locked Taker in a (pick one: closet; bathroom; freezer; truck
trailer; car trunk; cage: etc.) leaving him unable to help his "wahf"
during her match. DDP would then have the opportunity to beat the snot
out of her, much to the delight of people like me. Unfortunately,
that's not the way it happened. We *knew* Taker would play "Valet" to
Sara and we *knew* he'd do all the work, the then toss DDP's carcass
back into the ring so Sara could "pin" him. She played her part
(standing around looking ugly) and he played his (doing everything he
can to make her look tough and make both of them look ridiculous) and
that was that. The pin reminded me of my dog when he encounters a new
person, or a new dog. He stretches out real stiff and sniffs the
newbie. She copied Taker's pin except for leaning forward into the
opponent, because that would've involved shoving those plastic orbs into
the poor guy's face. I think it's time for the Calaways to get out of
denial. Go home, Sara and stay there. You suck in the ring and have no
business being there. Wake up, Taker. Your wife is just that: your
wife! She's *not* a wrestler, she's *not* an actress, and she's *not*
eye-candy to anyone except *YOU*! Send her home before you have no fans
left.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of further humiliation..)