4/2/2000:
Wrestlemania PhuhQuad
(aka a 12-hour excuse for staring at a tv all day)
The first 4 hours were pretty worthless to me, as I really wasn't interested in viewing old clips of Hogan, Andre, etc. Things started to improve at 4:00 with footage of Wrestlemania VIII and our first Taker sighting, against Jake (Crack-Head) Roberts. Caught a brief glimpse of him again at IX (No, not Jake!) and then was kind of away from the tv for the next hour, after having left instructions with the other viewers to be "summoned" if Taker appeared...but since nobody summoned me, I guess he wasn't on. Around 6:00, I was treated to more Taker-tv with footage from XII and XIII (the best one of all...) I thought Ivory did a pretty decent job with commentary. Maybe she could replace one of those worthless geeks, like Cole or Kelly? ("Lucas Swineford"??? That can't be a real name!)
Finally, the big show begins (ugh...bad choice of words!)
It opened with Lillian Diarreah singing the National Anthem. She sings about as well as I perform Brain surgery. The "token celebrity" was Ice T who came out with 2 gen-yoo-wine pimps. Ok, so it was just Godfather and D'Lo, but at least their ring attire was a big improvement over the usual. Bonzo the dog-faced Bossman and Suck DeCannon made their entrance. Buck Buchanan has been with the WWF for HOW long? And he's in a Wrestlemania already? Hmmmm...must be "sucking his way to the top" along with Lillian.
When things work out well, a shitty match is followed by a decent one and that was the case here. The Hardcore Battle Royal was 15 minutes of "We're not ECW, but we're trying" tv. Why didn't anybody make use of the shopping cart? They coulda at least heaved it into the ring! It was great to see Pete Gas busted open. Lawler actually had a line that I laughed at, regarding Crash Holly: "He's so short, his hair smells like feet." I was hoping Tazz would win, but it looks like this belt will be hogged by the Hollys. The bigger one (aka the "smile that gives an Orthodontist a stiffy") won the match. The other competitors included Viscera, the Geek Street posse, Kaintai, Headbangers (sporting some unusual costumes), and the Acolytes.
Again going on the premise that a shitty match follows a good one...Al Snow/Blackman vs Test/Hairy Al (with their walking ad for what happens when you tan too much). I could feel the pizza and beer I'd recently ingested threatening to make another apperarance when the camera zoomed in on Trash Skankus. That hair is a beautician's nightmare! Even the male viewers at my house all agreed she is one nasty looking bitch.
(Several comments about "waking up with that thing laying on my arm and chewing my arm off to get away" were bantered about...) What was the pointof the little cheese-man?
Decent match next: The Ladder match. I was hoping the Dudleys would win, but they just made it easy for Edge/Chris by building the scaffolding for them. Of course we HAD to see the anorexic Hardy dive off the top of a tall ladder on the ramp, onto Buh-Buh.
Time for another shitty match! Dog-face Terri and Shitty Kitty (exKuse me..I mean the Kat) along with Moo, Mae and Val no-Penis. Zzzzzzzzzz......
Ok, so the whole show didn't follow the "every other match is good" format:
Next, we have the RadicalZ (what'Z with all theZe Kreative ZpellingZ?)vs The Dancing Queens and Power-Ranger Chyna. Why does Chyna always have a match with men less than 5 and a half feet tall? And what's withthe Power Ranger moves?
If cartwheels and backflips are considered wrestling moves, then all the little girls in gymnastics classes should be hearing from the WWF soon... Too bad she tore her "retro-bellbottom pants" during the match. Notice how Scotty held them up as she exited the ring? Well, at least he's good for something. Seeing Chyna's ass would not have been pleasant(unless you're a man or a lesbian)
The Tin-foil boy (can't call him "goat-boy" now that he's started shaving) Jericho vs. No-neck No-angle (The Bret Hart wanna-be) vs the Crapping Wolverine, Ben-wahhhhhh. I was glad to see Angle belt-less at the end of the match.
The Ass-match was next. Remember that oldline, "Gotta match?" followed by that old reply, "My ass and your face." Pretty appropriate here, eh? Rikishi did his butt-flossing on Road Dogg and Tori. If he "flossed" with X-Crap, I didn't notice.
Kane only had eyes for the chicken (new love interest?) and was thinking, "Mmmmmm". Poor pathetic Pete had to get his annual Kane-abuse. Has Rose hit the bottom of the barrel or what? Rikishi did all the work, with his "spring cleaning".
Doesn't say much for the rest of them when the "ass-cleaner" was the best move of the entire match!
Then it was Main Event time.....
We all knew Shmo wouldn't last more than a few minutes. And we all knew Vince would try to up-stage the wrestlers (along with his kids). HHH again?? Why does the WWF have to Austinize the Heavyweight
champ? Get belt;Keep belt;bitch and whine;keep belt some more.....(*hissss*) The best part of the ending was seeing fans throw shit into the ring, especially the full cup of liquid that bounced off the back of Vince's head (he uses Armor-all) and got his suit all wet. Seeing Rock come back to thering to deliver a Rock-bottom on all 3 McMahons was entertaining too.
I guess the winners of the mini-wads are pretty obvious:
a) Lillian: for singing
b) Buck: for obvious reasons (including his name)
c) Whoever determined the outcome of the Hardcore match: for not choosing Tazz
d) Al Snow: for bringing out the midget in the cheese-suit
e) Trish: for making every viewer nauseous (even men and lesbians!)
f) All the participants in the cat fight
g) Chyna: for her Power Ranger moves
h) All the participants in the "Ass" match, except Rikishi, Bearer and the chicken
i) Stephanie: for her ugly shirt
The Wrestlemania PhuhQuad goes to:
Vince McMahon
The Undertaker possesses 4 (more like 4000) things YOU don't:
1) His hair isn't water-repellant. When a fan throws anything at HIM, I think it's terrible. If Vince is the target, then it's ok...
2) He doesn't have a National Landmark on his chin. Wonder how many visitors Vince gets each year to The Grand Canyon?
3) Just because he's on tv doesn't mean the rest of his family has to be on too!
4) He doesn't have to be helped up the ramp for a little cut on his head.
Vince, the last year of ppv's has absolutely sucked! Last year's Waste-all-mania was bad (except for the "hanging bossman") but this year's was even worse. Where's all the cool stuff you used to incorporate into the show? You've got a lot more money now than you did then. Why not use it to put on a decent show? Now take your FuckWad and hit the road!
One final comment......
Was the whole Wrestlemania contest rigged? You betcha! How could someone from the West coast win? They'd have about a 10 minute jet- ride to the show.
Of course, they had to pick the "stereotypical wrestling fan": never been on a plane, answers the door only after lighting a cigarette first, shops at Wal-Mart, married to an Austin fan....but I'm glad somebody like that won.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of water-repellant hair...)
4/3/00 RAW
That's Bull!!!! I've been refering to Bossman's significant other
as "Buck" and discovered that his name is Bull. (My name is what?
My name is who?) Well, he still sucks. Isn't he the big dumb bald
guy that used to be on "Night Court"?
This week's FuckWad is proudly awarded to: Chyna!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He's not attracted to vertically-challenged men (although I'm sure one of those "accurate" newsboards reported that he *is*)
2) He doesn't cruise around in a stereotypical Hispanic car.
3) He doesn't incorporate Power Ranger moves in the ring.
4) HIS pants didn't rip and almost fall off at Wrestlemania (Maybe next year, if we're lucky...)
Eddie can borrow Jeff Hardy's platform shoes so he can at least be eye-level with Chyna's shoulder. Can't ya just hear her now: "Guyth, doesth this look thtoopid? I'm jutht tho happy with my little Hithpanic boyfriend..."
MiniWads to the following:
a) Stephanie: for not realizing that people with an ass wide enought to have it's own zip code should NOT wear jungle prints (actually,nobody should!)
b) HHH: for telling Rock "I want your ass". I always thought HHH was the only non-gay member of DX...
c) Trish Stratus: for always wearing a hat. She doesn't want everybody to know she's got "Hogan-hair".
d) Big Show: for saying "I've got layers and layers." Of fat? Just because the comic-relief act worked on SNL doesn't mean it works on RAW. Al Snow is the token comedian, and even he ain't funny anymore!
e) Vince: for not giving a reason for hitting Rock with a chair at Wuss-elmania. That's because the script-writers are still trying to come up with a reason.
f) Vince (again): for comparing the crowd to the women in the WWF: "Fake hair, fake teeth, and implants...." Then again, he might've been talking about himself.
g) Hardcore and Crash: Why don't we just call the Hardcore belt the Holly belt?
Well, at least HHH doesn't have the belt anymore.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of signs in the crowd like "Steff makes me Stiff". How about "Trish makes me Wish......I was blind!")
4/10/00
RAW is Rectal
Ok, so Rock doesn't have the belt. I was fooled (admit it, so were you!). We were also fooled into thinking this week's show would actually be good. By now, we all know it reached new lows in shitty entertainment.
Even Vince admitted it. He warned us how bad it would be in his weekly "opening monologue" when he talked about feces. (or fee-shees) I thought he was talking about the "fee-shees" in the "oh-shan".
Did you notice all the big words being tossed around on the show? Today, the WWF is being flooded with e-mail such as this:
"what wuz u talking abowt last nite?"
MiniWads to the following:
a) Kurt Angle: for bringing out a piece of Mae Young's still bornbaby. Did he steal it from the autopsy?
b) Vince: for telling Rock, "If we put a bulbous appendage on your face..."
One HHH is enough - we don't need another one!
c) Kitty: for being ungrateful towards Terri. I thought the make-over was a big improvement.
d) JR: for bellowing "Brass Nuks!! Brass Nuks!!" Duh...thanks for clearing that up for the viewers at home. I thought it looked suspiciously like the Godfather's big ring (which looks suspiciously like...BrassNuks!! Brass Nuks!!)
e) Since when do ECW guys have to job and look weak in the ring? Tazz and the Dudleys are all ready to go back where they came from!
f) Trish Stratus: She's not fooling anybody with those fake braids. She's also not fooling anybody about her *true identity*. We all know that's Billy Gunn in disguise!
g) Taka vs HHH? Well, at least Taka's better than Pete or Rodney.
h) The Big Shmobowski??
i) Bull & Boss vs Rock? Did I miss the angle that led up to this match??
I'm all for putting the mentally deficient to work, but Vince has gone too far this time. He brought in yet another family member (the one whose brain never developed past age 6) and made this doofus write the
fuckin script! (*hisss*)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of shows that are so bad the commercials are good! Even Show's commercial was better than the show...)
RAW 4/17/00:
Don't ya just love those ads for Backlash, seeing the slingblade moving
back and forth? Reminds me of the movie, "Slingblade" and Carl's
best line: "Mmmmm, Ah love them french-frah'd 'taters, mmmm-hmmmmmm."
The tin-foil goat-boy has returned! I expected the foil shirt, but was surprised to see the little goat-beard. Jericho is more insulting on the mic than anybody else. I like that!
Mini-Wads this week (yes, there's many minis) go to:
a) Shane McHam: He's really porking up lately. Looks like he gained 20 pounds just in the last week. But he can still run fast(for a fat geek)!
b) Earl: For giving in to HHH (*hisss*) Maybe that was really Earl's twin brother, Dave, that got "fired" by Triple-Noze.
c) Eddie, Essa, and the Hardys: For their hair-colors (and styles)and also for the fact that not one of these 4 can speak English. Also, notice how much the Hardyzzzz suck when compared to Essa?
d) "Lumpy" Saturn: I've seen the surface of Saturn, and all I can say is...Somebody get a shirt for this guy!
e) The Hollys: Just give them their own belt (and orthodontist) to fight over, and give the Hardcore belt to Tazz.
f) Linda: For her "big announcement". Austin? Well, what a surprise......(cough)
g) Steph, Shane(again) and HHH: For trying to be the Three Stooges.(Although it was soitenly entertaining to see them slapping and pushing each other, nyuk, nyuk)
h) The Rock: For showing us the People's Pimples. Ugh! Use somegood face products, Rock. It's not like you can't afford it!
i) BuhBuh Dudley: For letting Trish kiss him...although it's probably not the first time he kissed a sow.
j) Trish: For showing us what happens to hair that's over-bleached and never trimmed.
k) Scotty: For wearing that costume that was designed by Stevie Wonder and for his hair. Why does his hair stand up like that? Well, I guess anybody's would if they saw Road Dogg undressed in the locker room.
l) Dean Midgetlenko: I don't need a reason!
m) Big Shmo aka Big Nasty Basty (Get in my belly...): For wearing a condom-tiarra. Now all he needs is a matching necklace and bracelet.
n) Kurt (If-I-can't-get-laid-you-can't-either)Angle: For approaching R.U.C.'s (Really Ugly Couples) to preach abstinence. Let 'em alone,Kurt! If they disappear into a bedroom for a couple hours, it means we won't have to see them out in public!
o) Bull Buchanan: For his imitation of Justin Credible on steroids.
Cenny
(Hoping to see Billy Bob Thornton in the WWF. "Ah love them fat-ass owners, with faces that look lahk....french frah'd 'taters, mmmmhmmmmm."
4/24/00
RAW is a Really Annoying Weekly show but I'm addicted. Yeah, I tried to quit a couple times, but if I stop watching I'll have to write a weekly column on some other lame tv program (and there's just too many to choose from!)
Something different this week, since I'm still recovering from Easter. I'll be back with the mini-wads next week (and maybe even a big weekly winner?) Ya never know...
1) How did HHH break his finger? The obvious answer would be "picking his nose", but I'm sure there's another reason (picking his ass, maybe?)
2) How did Road Dogg get to the show? I didn't see him exit the Doofus-Bus. I have to comment on his lines to the Crapping Wolverine:
"Chris Benoit, You know I'm gonna pin ya. And when I'm done,you'll know I've been up in ya!"
Oh...You didn't know? Road Dogg is a RECtal thermometERRRRRRRR (either that or a tampon)
3) Lillian Diarreah said the Hardys were "a combined weight of 130 pounds." Finally she got something right! Matt is 100 pounds and Jeff is 30 pounds. (And remember: "Choosy mothers choose Jeff...") Ugh.
4) What the fuck is Matt Hardy doing with The Holly belt? Well, I guess he can keep it, but only if he gets a buzz cut, dyes his hair blonde and gets some worse looking teeth!
5) JR is really flubbing his lines lately. He said, "Jeff Hardy is bigger than a hiccup. I mean quicker than a hiccup."
JR's announcing is annoying as the hiccups!
He also said, "D'Von's head hit Christian's groon area." What's a groon?
6) Why did Bossman mention Big Show's Big Dead Dad? By now, everybody's forgotten about that, except sickos like me. Will we EVER know what Bossman did with Shmo's dad?
7) Bull Buchanan has to be one of the most unattractive men I've
ever seen. I guarantee that somewhere on-line, right now, 2 women are talking about how "hot" he is. Ewwwwwww
8) "Vince is coming out to make a major announcement!!"
So, did I miss something? What did Vince "announce" that we didn't already know?
9) Poor Buh-Buh. He's being stalked by something hideous.
10) So what was wrong with Eddie Gay-rear-o's first choice of clothes? (The T-shirt tux) I bet lots of Austin fans have an outfit just like that hanging in a closet in their trailer. It'scalled "Wut ah wore to mah wedding."
Chyna said Eddie looked like a Gumby reject. Does that mean she's a Pokey reject?
Cenny
(Hoping to eat "french frah'd taters" during "Slingblade"...uh, "Backlash")
4/30/00 -Backlash:
First, a few comments and mini-wads:
The first match featured a foreign ring-announcer, speaking a language I haven't heard in awhile: Extreme Suth-uhn Rayd-neck!
We saw the return of the future Mrs. Stay-uhv Owww-stayn. (It woulda been helpful to have English subtitles on the bottom of the screen) If I was a newbie WWF viewer, and didn't know Edge, Christian, Road Dogg and X-Pac I'd now be calling them: Ay-udge, Crays-chun, Roud-Dawg and Ayks-Pok. (duh) Well, ah'm raht glay-ud Dee-Ayks lost!
A mini-wad for Day-bruh and Road Dogg (who always sucks). Also,extra applause for Christian for busting open X-Pac's head.
Next was the Midget-Man match aka a Dancing Queen vs The Old Guy with the Big Head (aka Scotty vs Malenko) The ring was still wet with X-Pac's blood (ugh) and Scotty gotty some on his pants (ugh a-GAIN) I didn't care who won. (Malenko did, but you already knew that) Mini-wads to the two Mini-wrestlers!
We then saw Vince, Shane, Steph and HHH along with Brisco and Patterson. Brisco was "all ears" (hyuk) listening to Vince while Patterson was appropriately beside the plate of....fruit.
Third match featured 4 big-assed big men, the APA vs Bonzo the dog-faced Bossman and Bull the ugly-Buchanan. I like Bradshaw, but the man needs to either switch to "lite" beer or wear streetclothes in the ring. I was disappointed with the outcome, as Bully and Bossy were declared the winners. A mini-wad to all 4: The winners, because they're ugly and stupid; the losers because they've outgrown their ring attire.
Match #4 was for the Holly belt and featured the Hollys (naturally),the Hardys, Lumpy Saturn and Tazz. It was a good match, but why did Pee-Wee Holly have to win again? (*hissss*) It could've been a lot better with Chyna calling the match: "Tath, the Hardyth, the Hollyth and Thaturn are all having a thlobberknocker! A then-ton bomb! Look at Tath's thuplex! Ladderth too..."
Mini-wads to the Hollys for hogging the belt, the Hardys for doing the same old same-old and Saturn for his lumpy body.
The 5th match was between No-neck No-angle (Kurt, not Benoit!) and the Big Shmo. Shmo came out to Hogan's old music, dressed like Hogan and talking like Hogan. He even won like Hogan (zzzzzzzz)
Mini-wads to both of them (Hogan and Shmo) and it's true! it'strue! Kurt gets a mini-wad too!
The 6th match was the high-point of the night. Even though the Dudleys lost to Rabbit-face and Al-hair, they put Trash Skankus througha table. (Go Buh-Buh!)
Mini-wads to Peter Rabbit for being a big doofus and to Trish for her horrible voice, among other horrible things...
Match #7 showed Eddie Gay-rear-o and his boyfriend Chyna all dressed up for their prom. Awwww, how sweet... Not! Even though Ed won, Essa kicked him, causing little Ed to fall into big Chy. Lita ripped Chyna's gown off (did we "really" need to see that?) and Chy stoodin the ring modeling her blue underwear for Eddieth's thexual thatithfaction!
Mini-wads to the King (Chyna) and the Queen (Eddie) of the Prom...
More lame talk with the McMorons back stage. Vince kept hinting there was no Stone Cold, which greatly distressed J (Gay) R (sniffle..waaaah)
Speaking of "waaaa", Chris (crapping wolverine) Ben-waaaaaa was up next against the other Chris (Fairy-Co). But when Wolverine cheated, the ref didn't see it. He did, however, see Goat-boy cheating and immediately called for the bell, DQ'ing (Dairy Queening) Jericho. So Fairy-co did a convincing Ken Shamrock immitation and snapped in the ring. I like the evil-psycho Jericho.
Main event time...
JR started pissing and moaning because there was still no sign of Austin (Boo-fuckin-hoo) Shane came out to ref, followed by the McHelmsleys and then the spittin' machine, the Rock. When is Steph going to defendthe Women's belt? (*hissss*)
The usual cheating McMahons and lame banter between Gay-R and King Shit ensued. I wish I had a dollar for every Rock vs HHH match... Seeing the announce table disintegrate under the weight of Shane's ass and HHH's nose was entertaining. Brisco and Patterson came out dressed like refs (duh) then when JR started bellowing, I knew Austin had arrived.
Austin really porked up...even more than the last time I saw him waddle down the ramp. He treated everybody to a chair-shot (too bad he forgot JR and King). Then Linda came out with Earl and Earl did the count as Rock pinned Triple Nose.
Austin reappeared driving a truck (duh, again) and towing the carcass of the Doofus-X bus that he "destroyed". He and the Rock gargled with beer and that concluded the show.
More mini-wads for the McMahons, except Linda. I hear they boughta chain of drive-in movies and will be using their own asses as outdoor movie screens. A special mini-wad for Stone Cold too. There he is, back at a ppv, "saving the day" and he's obviously NOT ready to return to the ring. So why couldn't it have been Undertaker, instead?
The ppv Phuh-Quad of the Month is awarded to:
HHH and Chris Benoit!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things THEY don't:
1) A neck
2) A personality
3) A face that's enjoyable to look at
4) Intelligent fans
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the days of "Whine and Noses"...)
