May 2000-
RAW- 5/1/00:
My vision has been impaired forever after viewing the 2 Third-world countries (also known as the asses of Rikishi and Big Shmo) on RAW. There's more square feet there than I had in my first apartment!
This week's FuckWad award is presented to:
Edge and Christian!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
(Edge:)
1) He can't use his teeth as a flashlight. I always wondered how Edge found his way through the crowd in a dark arena, till the first time I saw him smile.
2) His eyes are on the front of his face, not the sides of his head (like a flounder)
(Christian:)
3) UT doesn't suffer from adult acne
4) No one would mistake HIM for a woman
(Ok, one more...)
5) His face has never been used as butt-floss for Rikishi
Ok, "fellas"....take your FuckWad awards and hit the road!
This week's Mini-Wads go to:
a) Road Dogg: for wearing that little octopus on his head. (It was his hair? No way!)
b) Vince: for continuing to pick on little Earl Hebner
c) Rock: for wearing that skunk-skin vest
d) Shane: for still believing he's an actual wrestler
e) Saturn: for distracting Tazz during his match with the Kanadian Krapper
f) The writers: for all this Rock vs HHH shit. There *are* other wrestlers, ya know....
g) Tori: for spilling coffee on Earl
h) The "women's" match: since when are Terri and Kitty wrestlers?
Good Stuff:
1) Lita making fun of Chyna
2) Jericho's mic skills, especially when he disses Steph
(When's that skank going to defend the Women's belt, already?)
3) Earl standing up to all those bullys
What's with the commercial for Judgement Day? Three little girls in white dresses playing "Ring around the Rosey"....it can only mean one thing. The return of.....
Billy Gunn!! (He'll show up in a white dress too and ask, "Can I play?")
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of cellulite...)
5/8/00-
RAW:
Last night, I heard a local weatherman refer to "HHH Weather". He
meant Hazy, Hot and Humid, but I thought it was raining giant noses and
the wind sounded like somebody taking a huge dump ("Uhhhhhh") Speaking
of huge dumps, I guess it's no surprise that this FuckWad of the Week award
goes to Pat "Poop" Patterson.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) Seeing him in his underwear would make me (and countless other women) very happy. Seeing YOU in your underwear made me sick.
2) He doesn't suck up to Vince, like you. Shouldn't that skid-mark be on your nose instead?
3) He'd never wear a shirt like yours. Actually, a "food-print" shirt would be a good thing to wear while grocery shopping. Then you wouldn't need to make a list...you could just look at your shirt to see what to buy.
4) He'd have no clue about the size of Vince's penis. Admit it, Pat, you're the source of information for Jericho's comments!
Now take your FuckWad award and hit the road! (And don't leave any skid-marks...)
Mini-Wads this week to:
a) X-Pac - for borrowing one of Rock's shirts. Careful you don't burn a hole in it!
b) HHH - for wanting an Iron Man Match with the Rock. Who the fuck would pay to watch those 2 for an hour? (*hissss*)
c) Vince - for confusing Jericho with Patterson when he said "I'll have you dangling from my trunk..."
d) Chyna - for turning down Godfather's offer. And for hitting him with "Eddie'th rotheth, thcattering petalth all over the ring."
e) DLo - for helping little Eddie win the match
f) Brisco - for jumping on Buh Buh and putting him through a table
g) Malenko - for talking. Does he gargle with drain cleaner?
Road Dogg is so annoying. I picture him at age 6 talking like Elmer Fudd:
"I'm Bwian Awmstwong and I wanna gwow up to be a wefferwee or maybea poweeceman!"
Good Stuff:
1)Signs from last weeks show that were pointed out to me by a faithful reader, The Lady of Darkness (aka Kouc) who was at the show with her own sign (and one of my personal favorites) "I'd rather be Under Taker"
"Keep Elian - Deport Guererro"
"Take it from Kane and keep your hand out of Mae"
"Stephanie: Close your mouth and your legs "
2) Jericho's comments about Vince's small penis
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of skid-marks...)
5/15- RAW:
RAW is...The return of HBK (Nice hair, Shawn...)
Can the return of Taker be far behind? Well, it depends on who you're listening to. My favorite "latest news" sez:
"Undertaker attended a revival-meeting and has been born again" (Ouch! His poor mother...) "He's not coming back to the WWF. Instead, he will travel around to churches spreading the word..."
Reverend Taker, I think I'm in need of some "hands-on" test(icle)fying!
Moving on with this week's column, I have a few MiniWads to give out:
a) Tori: for jumping on Buh Buh Dudley and crashing him through a table. Also for her "Nicole Bass" voice. Ewwww
b) JR: for asking (about Tori) "What kind of woman is this?" The kind that used to be a man before the sex-change operation!
c) Kurt Angle: for being "sickened by the stink-face". There's a lot of things in the WWF that I'm sickened by, including little obnoxious men with no necks.......
d) Godfather: for wearing that dalmation skin vest. Who does he think he is? Cruella DeVille?
e) The Hardcore belt: for losing its credibility. It's bad enough that PeeWee Holly is "Austinizing" it, but to give it to a 'ho,too? (*hissss*)
f) Shane: for trying to be the same weight as
Big Show (You're doing a good job, porky. Only about another 100 pounds to gain)
g) Big Shmo: for all the head-butts
h) Malenko: not only for his adult-sized head on a toddler-sizedbody, but for his adult-sized feet too. Yuck!
i) Jeff Hardy: for making it obvious that he's the "son of Ronald"(McDonald) What other 2 people have hair that shade of red??
j) Bradshaw: for following the Shane Mc "Ham" diet
k) The cameraman responsible for all those close-ups of Vince's face!
Well, I'm sure I'll have plenty to bitch about, er, write about, after this Sunday's ppv!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of clowns...)
RAW 5/22/00
Since so many people got FuckWad Awards yesterday, I'm not giving any
out today. Back to the old format next week.
Vince came out with his "Grand-Ol-Opry" hair-do and talked (and
talked...). We heard about "Shane, who came from my loins" (pork
loins?) and "If Taker returns tonight, there's marshals waiting for
him."
(Marshal's what? And why is it waiting for Taker?)
Rock attacked Vince backstage. Notice how Austinized Rock is becoming?
And why was Rock wearing Kane's shirt? (It's a conspiracy by
Vince...Kane is *never* coming back...)
Trash Skankus with a mic? Quick! Mute button! Mute button! That is
one fugly woman.
Same script, different actor (yawn). Again Rock morphed into Austin and
laid the sucketh-down on X-Pac and Road Dogg. More re-runs with the
Dancing Queens and Butt-kishi vs Edge-Angle-Christian. Is that like a
born-again-Christian draftsman?
Conway Twitty's son, Shane, came out to yak and got bullied by
Rauk-stin.
The Kanadian Krapper vs the Canadian, Prosthetic-penis Val. They were
both invited to play musical chairs by the Orthodontist's nightmare,
Softcore Holly.
Kid Rock is coming to RAW next week. (At least it ain't ICP!)
We then saw the Dudleys, followed by the Killer "B"'s. Doesn't Buchanan
look like the vampire in the old silent movie, "Nosferatu"?
It's about fuckin' time the Dudleys won a match!
Mini-Holly threw a tantrum in front of ApA, culminating in pouring a
beer on Bradshaw's head. Only Austin is allowed beer on the head (and
only if he pours it there himself). We then saw Brisco having a tantrum
as well, breaking his cell-phone due to a bad connection. I feel your
pain, Gerald!
Bradshaw tossed PeeWee Holly around the ring. Then Brisco was shown
giving HHH an "earfull" about Rock. Gasp! Rock was lurking and
listening!
Michael Cole, (son of Old King), was seen interviewing HBK after
Sunday's ppv. Shawn was distressed.
He was upset about the gay man that kept pulling on his ref shirt (when
the match was in the crowd) ultimately pulling it out of HBK's shorts
and ruining the whole carefully put-together "look".
Godfather and Essa vs Saturn and Malenko. I was about as shocked to see
Malenko leave with 2 Ho's as I was to see Taker return on Sunday.
Saturn was able to keep an eye on both his opponents, even when they
were on opposite sides of the ring. Lita turned on Essa, causing Lumpy
Saturn to win.
The Rock came out and started yammering on the mic, insulting HHH, etc.
HHH came out, looking like Bullwinkle. He had a Bret Hart moment when
he announced, "I'm the best there is."
Rock and HHH started fighting in the ring. Wow! That's something we
rarely see! Then Taker appeared on his ride. He met McDX on the ramp,
kicked ass, then rode down the ramp, running over Vince (wishful
thinking...) He circled the ring and rode back up the ramp, chasing the
Toadies. This "new and improved" Taker is a very cool thing, but, since
the writers never know when to quit, we'll be seeing this every week for
the next year.
Why did Monday's show have some of the same matches as the ppv?
Except for Undertaker, it was "boring....boring...boring..."
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the same old same old)
After all those months away, Taker now has to share the spotlight with the Rock. Now that Rock has become Austinized, I guess there's no getting around it. Sharing air-time isn't as bad as doing the j-o-b. And yeah, I smell what the Rock's been cooking: Hamhocks simmered in beer (ugh). Hey, he's now Raukstin.....As if that's not enough, looks like Undertaker will now share the ring with Kane, too. And yes, that *is* as bad as doing the j-o-b, which will probably happen soon enough. (*hissss*)
So clomp on up here in your lifts, big red reject. This FuckWad of the Week's for you!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He tells us, in words, that he wants the belt. He doesn't grab it and hold it up, as if he already has it. Aren't you supposed to be able to talk now? Or did the writers "forget"?
2) He doesn't need to lurk in closets to attack people. Admit it, you just did that so we wouldn't see all your helpers.
3) He's got a cool new entrance. You've got the same flames farting out of the ring-posts. (zzzzzzzz)
4) Taker's had a few other gimmicks in the past, but he was never a dentist. Who would be intimidated by a dentist? Little kids and adults with rotten teeth? Oh, I get it.....your fan base!
Now take your FuckWad and hit the road.
Mini-Wads this week to:
a) Road Dogg: For constantly twisting his chicken-neck around to gawk at Taker. Yes Roadie, that's a *real* man in the ring. You're just a wanna-be.
b) Shane: For still thinking being the boss's son automatically makes him a wrestler. Give it up, porky!
c) HHH: For interfering in Rikishi's match. If that nose would've been used for a butt-cleaning, Rikishi would've died from internal injuries.
d) Hardcore Holly & Chris Benwaaah: For trying to talk on the mic before their IC match (IC they both suck!)
e) Trish Trampus: For removing her Kane-shoe to give one of the Hardyz some Hitz. I woulda liked to see her try to run with one leg 6" shorter than the other one. Well, she does look a lot like Quasimodo. She might as well walk like him too.
f) Killer B Bull: For looking like one of the pin-head girls in "Freaks". ("We accept him, we accept him...one of us, one of us...")
If you haven't seen it, rent it today. You'll be amazed at how many of the freaks resemble current WWF stars.
g) Vince: for trying to smoke a stalk of celery. (Seeing anything dangling out of his mouth makes me sick)
h) Kat & Terri: For pretending to be wrestlers. It's bad enough that Godfather and D'Lo both pretend to be wrestlers.
Good Stuff:
1) Little Joe C telling Edge and Christian to go fuck themselves.
2) Kid Rock's performance. (At least DX didn't come out and "try" to sing this time!)
3) Signs:
"Ruck the Fock"
"Mindi is a shit face" (With a name like Mindi,I'm not surprised)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Road Dogg, now that we've gotten rid of Billy Gunn) Back to FuckWads Archives
Want to e-mail Cenny? Use egzakto@charter.net Back to the Crypt
