June 2000-
6/05 RAW-
June 7th of last year saw Paul, the Patron Saint of canned pasta, chokeslam
Undertaker through the ring...and this column was born. Thank you
to all my loyal readers for your support; Sabretooth for giving the Wads
a home on your site; and the WWF, for giving me so many people to make
fun of!
I haven't read my email or checked a Taker message board since last night's show, but I'm sure to find the usual: "He chews snuff"/"Does not"/ "Does too"/ etc.
But here's the *real* story:
HHH started the yak-fest, followed by Vince (yawn), then "The American Fat Ass" (Shane), then Rock (zzzz) and finally "The Masked Marvel" (It's a marvel he's lasted this long...) Kane. Taker figured he'd have at least 30 minutes before he had to come out, so he got a movie-theater sized box of Milk Duds to kill the time with. Patterson came up behind him and had this to say: "I bechoo can't eat dat dink allat wunce, UnnerDaker." So, just to prove that he *could too* Taker poured the whole box of Milk Duds in his mouth. Then, since Pat was standing a little too close to him, Taker took a couple steps to the right and found himself...outside on the ramp. This explains why he had to talk with his mouth full. So now you know the real story, and remember, if you read it here, it's true.
This week's One-Year-Anniversary Phuh-Quad goes to:
The Rock!
Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He's not a phlegm machine
2) He doesn't slap Vince (He punches him or tries to run himdown, like a real man)
3) He doesn't have just one little token tattoo (A bull? How appropriate...)
4) His shirts are made from manly materials like leather or denim,not gay-ass silk!
So, Raukstin, take your FuckWad of the Week award, wade through those phlegm puddles, and hit the road!
MiniWads this week to:
a) Val, Al, Skank and Test: For being a V-A-S-T waste of air-time.
b) Brisco: For having any belt, let alone the Hardcore one.
c) The Doofus Group-hug: HHH was "sorry", Vinnie was "sorry" and I was sorry I watched it!
d) X-Pac: for the no-shirt/overalls look. There's only a handful of men that can pull that look off....and you're NOT one of them!
e) Kane: for talking
f) HHH: For interferring in the Tribble Tret match
g) Godfather & Malenk-ho: for being paired together
h) Chyna: For her Power Ranger moves. Cartwheels! Imprethive!
i) JR: For calling Buchanan a "Young Phenom" (*hisssss*)
Good Stuff:
1) Seeing Trish's face disappear inside Rikishi's ass (It just blendedright in!)
2) Brisco as "undie-head"
3) Dudleys showing Angle to a table
4) The break-up of the "Killer B'z" (awww, too bad...)
5) Slutphanie finally agreeing to defend "her" belt
6) Vince & company (aka So-What and the 7 Dorks) getting swept out of the ring by Taker
Cenny
(Hoping to celebrate a second year of FuckWads...)
6-12 RAW:
With Austin, Big Show and Billy Gunn all MIA, that's 3 less people to award
this week's FuckWad to. (And they're all very deserving....when they're on tv!)
So no big winner this time. Wait until KOTR though....
MiniWads this week to the following:
a) Linda(I'm Princess Di's mother) McMahon: For putting her husband and son in a match, both on the show *and* at the ppv. (Will we ever get away from wrestling-wannabe McMahons?)
b) Stephanie: For "winning" against Lita again. Why don't they just let the bitch keep the belt, and give belts to Vince and Shane too?
And while they're at it, why not just get rid of all the real wrestlers and just have the McMahons run the show each week? In fact, why not just call it the Fat-ass Rich White People Named McMahon Federation?
c) Kurt (I got no neck) Angle: for causing Lita to lose to Shitphanie(Don't get me started again....) It'll be great to see the end of the McMahon-Helmsley angle, but now we'll have to see the McMahon-Angle angle!
d) Bat Battahsuhn: (Yes, he's "new"...just got here from Calcutta...)
For fucking up the photo-op of a lifetime (smirk): Kane un-masked!
e) TurdDogg and XCrap: For interfering in the Dudley/McMahon match
f) Tori: For trying to jump on Buh-Buh and fucking up. If you can't do it right, don't even do it (that advice applies to others too, including the man in the plastic mask and platform shoes...)
Good stuff:
No "Little Ed/Big Chy" sighting
Seeing Taker chase the killer "B" (bzzzzzzz)
PeeWee getting the Holly belt back from BriskHo
Seeing Kane get smacked around and unmasked by the Homo-brigade
(Why didn't they just take his mask with them? Or maybe they did, but he has a whole bunch of spares)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of bad angles, no angles and kurt angles)
6-19
RAW is CHAW
Another "Geek of the Ring" has come and gone. Is anyone surprised at the outcome? I am...I thought Vince or Shane would end up with the belt and also somehow become King of the Ring. (and also tag-team champs,Hardcore winner, etc)
In keeping with last year's tradition, the new king is FuckWad of the Month and King Kurt shares the honor with DX. After all, you can't have de eggs without de bacon...
The Undertaker posseses 4 things YOU don't, Kurt:
1) He dresses like a man, not like a clown.
2) His shadow isn't a perfect square, like yours.
3) His ears didn't stop growing at birth, like yours did.
4) He doesn't insult the audience. Careful, you might piss off your fans....all 3 of them.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't, DX:
1) He comes to the ring alone and stays till the match is over.
2) He doesn't need to hide behind HHH's nose or Vince's ass, both of which throw more shade than a 100-year-old Oak.
3) He doesn't wear phlegm-green,
4) He doesn't steal quotes from Miss Gay Georgia ("Two tears in a bucket...") I hear Roadie was first runner up!
MiniWads to the following:
a) Benwaaaah - Why are Canadians such poor losers? So you lost to Rikishi...big fuckin' deal. Is that any reason to smack him with a chair? I'm surprised the chair didn't bounce back and hit YOU!
b) Chyna - for looking like a dominatrikth and having her hair pulled by Val No-Penis. "Venith wath pulling the crimpth right out of my hair! He almotht made it thtraight!" She could've pulled Val's hair too, but the transplant would've come out.
c) Eddie Gayrearo - So he cut his hair...he still looks like he's about 14.
d) Trish - for being on the show at all, let alone 3 times.
e) Bull Pukecanan - for his hair. Looks like he's wearing a snatch on his head.
f) Edge & Christian - for getting the tag-team belts. zzzzzzzzzz
g) The crowd at the ppv - for marking out over Scotty and his worm. If that's a wrestling move, Trish and Mideon will appear in People magazine's "50 most beautiful people" issue!
h) BriskHo - for asking Patterson if he wants crotchless panties. (barf!)
i) "Pad" Patterson - seeing him in drag reminded me of women who are loyal Wal-Mart shoppers, big Stone Cold fans, Nascar fans, and country music fans. Brisco in drag looked like Chyna before her plastic surgery. Patterson told his opponent, "Get on top of me and we'll count: Wun, Do, Dree..." Maybe one day we'll see him do a commercial for Dampax Dampons.
j) The main event and all competitors (except Taker, of course!)
To Vince & Shane - for trying to be wrestlers. My favorite line of the night was Taker telling Shane to "meet Mr. Turnbuckle." (whap!) The jump from the ring apron onto the table was great too.
To Kane - for attacking Taker. Duh....wrong team! Undertaker's right, you're no brain surgeon! Seeing Kane in the ring with Taker and HHH (and even Rock) made it obvious just how shitty his so-called wrestling skills really are...
To HHH - for acting upset because he lost. Boo-fuckin-hoo, Bullwinkle. You had that belt longer than anybody lately. It's about time you lost it!
To Rock - for acting like he did it all on his own. Without Taker's help, HHH would *still* have the belt. (*hissss*)
Of course, after RAW, he probably WILL......
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of evening gown matches...) 6/26/00- RAW
I enjoyed seeing Taker offer Kane his chew. (Remember, if you don't
have enough for everybody, don't bring it out!) I would've enjoyed
it more if Kane had accepted the offer and tried to stuff it through the
little slit in his mask (and later tried to spit it out through the slit...)
No big winner this week, but a few MiniWads to the following:
a) Vince: (sporting a fresh dye job) for calling himself a "genetic jackhammer." (more like a genetic mutation!) He "knows what Linda wants." So do I, Vinnie. She wants to trade her beady eyed, chicken necked, fat assed, helmet-haired husband in for a *real* man (like Undertaker). Another baby? I think it's about 10 years toolate...
b) Steph: for trying to stop "Daddy" from leaving and for notgoing with him!
c) Shane: for being too much of a wuss to show up. He wasat home, injured. Awwww, I guess he didn't like Taker's introductionto Mr. Turnbuckle, along with Mr. Table, Mr. Fist, etc.
d) Tazz: for hitting the beanbag (Rikishi) with a chair. You should have hit the squish-faced Kanadian Krapper instead!
e) HHH: for still pouting about losing the belt. Maybe he can tag-team with Michael Cole and they can be Bullwinkle andRocky....
f) King Kurt: for looking like the live entertainment at a gay bar. Wonder what he *really* does with the scepter?
g) Rock: for sweating all over the ring (and the ramp, and the hallways,etc.)
h) The MalenkHo/Lawler match: what was the point of this? Hearing Lawler is bad enough, but seeing his short, dumpy body in the ring??
Same with Midget Malenko. More bimbi in their underwear..zzzzzzzz
Who even watched this? (besides teen-age boys and loser older men..)
i) Edge & Christian: For whining. Well, UT took care of that. Christian looked a little silly doing push-ups on Kane's shoulders. (...we're *supposed to* believe that Kane was doing allthe work...)
j) The Final match: I sat there making hideous body combinations in my mind. Imagine HHH's nose, Kurt's ears and square head, andRock's bulging eyes..all on one face!
Good stuff:
1) HBK's announcement about the new commissioner.
2) Seeing Mick Foley again (even with the buzz-cut)
3) Bradshaw and Faarooq as #1 contenders for the tag-team belts.
4) Jericho's comments about Steph and road-kill.
5) The crowd reaction to Taker.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of genetic mutations...)
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