7/3/00- RAW
RAW is: rabid wolverine run-ins ruining wrestlers already-ruined faces.
Or, as Taka and Funaki would say: "LAW is labid lolveline lun-ins luining lestlers alleady- luined faces."
The FuckLad of the leek alard goes to......
Chris Benoit!
Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) The teeth we can see are all intact. Whether each and every one is real or not is irrelevant. At least there's no empty gaping holes. Vince really has his priorities in order, huh? Fake tits are more important than fake teeth. (*hissss*)
2) Good mic skills. C'mon Wolvie! If you want to be over with the fans, learn to talk.
3) A well-proportioned body. Ok, so all those chicken-fried steaks are starting to take their toll, but he still looks great. You, on the other hand, look like you've been repeatedly hit over the head with a sledgehammer, causing the "little-wide-man-with-no-neck" look.
4) He's smart enough to know that words on a pice if clothing look entirely different when stretched over a body part. (So "Crippler" really *does* look like "Crapper")
You wrecked Chyna's plastic face, so now she'll look like BriskHo in drag again! Chyna had this to say: "Thith thurgery wath expenthive and thtrethfull and Chrith methed it up!!"
The Rock's face was messed up to begin with. If his nose got any wider and flatter, it would disappear all together. So, take your FuckWad Award (in your foaming, rabid, toothless mouth) and go back to the forest...
MiniWads to:
a) HHH - He said, "I want Jericho's ass", "I didn't blow anything",and "Tonight, Rikishi is Jericho." Make up your mind, already!
b) Rock - That shirt had to be about the ugliest thing I've ever seen. Even worse than close-ups of Trish and Benoit's faces!
c) Shane - For being a fat wuss and complaining about his parents'ego. What about YOUR ego, wuss-boy?
d) JR - for calling the Florida crowd "rednecks". Didn't we just go over this a week or two ago? Who's the one wearing the cowboy hat? Duh.....
e) Rikishi - for his high-risk move that almost ended in tragedy. We almost saw him puncture his colon on HHH's lethal nose!
f) Jeff (I-got-no-Hard-ee) and Val (Balls-so-big-&-dick-so-small) - for taking up tv time. Jeff, get a shirt that fits, and that's not transparent! Why do guys with scrawny, hairless chests insist on showing it off? And the "amazing technicolor dream-hair" has gotta go. Val just plain sucks. I guess it was nice of JR to give his shrunken cowboy hat to Trish for her pin-head. Too bad Lita has to be seen with these people. She should've left with Tazz.
g) Patterson - for trying to talk Commissioner Foley out of putting Shane in a match, with these words: "He can't do dat dink!"
h) Road Dogg - for calling Jericho "Y-2-Gay". Wrong blonde! I think you mean Billy Gunn. (See, I can make fun of Mr. Butt even when he'snot on the show!)
i) King Kurt the No-neck - for hitting Taker with the dildo, uh, scepter.
j) Kane - for copying Undertaker's moves clear down to the fist raisedin the air. Even Bull has his own original moves!
k) MalenkHo - please stop talking! (or at least stop gargling with Drano) He was evenly matched, height-wise, with PeeWee Holly. But...if he gets evenly matched, head-wise, he'll have to wait for Big Shmo to return.
l) Brooklyn Brawler - WTF? Oh, I get it....it's Kane, unmasked!
m) Another one for Angle - did anybody else see him pick his nose and wipe it on the ring rope? Good thing GoldDust isn't here anymore!
n) Godfather with Hi (the plural of Ho) and Test with Ho (Trish) -for being 2 large, worthless competitors. Bunny-boy had his glasses on, coming down to the ring. Must not be eating enough carrots. Well,now Test sees what Trish *really* looks like!
o) Stevie Richards - for looking like those annoying Mormons who go door to door, bothering people. Also, for forgetting to put a Ho-Bagover Trish's head!
Good stuff:
1) Sign: "Benoit sucks, eh"
2) Vinceless tv! (He's still at home trying to get his pencil-dickto work...)
3) ApA helping Jericho kick DX's ass
4) Slutphony and HHH leaving, after Noze has a tantrum and throws foodall over the walls and floor. Although...it *was* thoughtful of him to remember to slop the hogs. Dinner is served, Midian!
5) Edge in a Kane mask
_______________________
Next Monday, when you're all sitting on your recliners, in air-conditioned comfort, watching RAW on your big-screen tv's, I'll be camping somewhere in Maryland, maybe being disemboweled by the Blair Witch....There'll be a special-guest Columnist filling in for me, so be sure to stop by! I'll be back (with or without my intestines)
the following week.
Cenny
(Guest Fuckwad)
7/10/00
Welcome to this week's Fuckwad awards. I am not Cenny. If you want to complement me you can send email to harleykins98@hotmail.com, if you want to complain why don't you just go ahead and send them to Cenny. I know she'd really appreciate it.
First an overview of the show, then the awards. I'll skip over alot of the boring stuff. I can't skip it all otherwise the only thing left would be of Taker. Besides if you wanted a play by play you can get that at rajah.com.
First match - Too Corny vs Testicle and Apeman vs Jailbate (the hardys)
Not sure who won since that cute little Leprechaun on the Lucky Charms box came out and whacked somebody, think it was test. My only concern was why did Rikishi come out with T&A...On rewatching the tape I realized my mistake it was Trash, who from now on will be called Sable2 by me, I mistook her face for Rikishi's ass, sorry.
Second match - Road Dick vs Chris Jericho
Jericho won (there was nothing exciting about this match)
Third match for IC title - Sable2-Lame-Val Venis
First Sable2 came out...Oh wait I did it again it was just a close up of Rikishi's ass.
Val Venis kept title due to dq
Steph came out fresh from her makeover at Ronald MacDonald's telling Jericho she wanted to make up. I guess she wanted to share her knew application techniques. Jericho told her how he wanted to wrap his arms around her curvacious female form. Let me translate that for you all it means "I would wrap my arms around you if they would fit around your big fat ass"
Fourth match - Edge&Christian vs Acolytes
It wound up being just Edge vs Bradshaw due to the fact that Christian was allegedly sick.
Edge wins due (so he cheated, he still won)
Lita vs Sable2
I was going to make another Rikishi ass comment, but I figured it would be pretty redundant.
So anyways Lita had to take on Steph's ass, oops just Sable2.
They never said who won, but since Sable2 didn't stand a chance to begin with I'm guessing Lita. Stevie Richards came out and did his "I'm a staight man but cannot stand the sight of a half naked woman" act.
XPuke vs HHH
Whoever won this match it sure wasn't Jericho. Oh and next time Chris don't make the blood packet so obvious.
Benwaaaaaah vs Rock
Rock by dq
On with the awards
Mini awards, and there's alot, go to:
Benwaaah and Tubby for not admitting their undying love for one another. We all can see it won't you two just admit it, have sex and get it over with.
Benwaaah again for the comment "I hope Mick Foley gets dissentary so he can talk out of both ends like the rock" Get it right dipshit, the Rock shits out of both ends not talks. And for grabbing the Rock's shorts during their match and sneaking a peak. Thank you ever so much I now know that the Rock shaves even that.
Matt Hardy for obviously hording the food while he and Jeff were growing up. Do you not care how undernourished your poor brother is? How about your fans? Do you care that they have to look at the little anorexic boy?
Jeff Hardy for rainbow hair, nail polish, and the wimpy belt. I'm just curious, did his mom get drunk the night he was conceived and make it with a parrot?
HHH for continually whining about "wanting Jericho's ass" Why don't you just ask him? It won't hurt. At least you'll know if he feels the same as you. They must have resolved things because later on he said "Jericho's ass is mine" I'm glad my advice helped.
Jericho for wearing bigger platforms than lame and for telling HHH he's going to give him all the action he wants. It may have been repulsive to watch but at least they made a love connection.
Edge for not coming up with a good excuse not to wrestle like his brother (so it wasn't a good excuse but at least he had one)
Val Venis are you going for that white surpremist look?
Rikishi for having bigger boobs than Miss Kitties
Lita for ripping off Sable2's clothes. Thank God for Stevie Richards and his bag.
XPuke for showing us his super cool kicks. He's just trying to get attention because they used his legs for closeups in the Great Chicken Run. He thinks he's a big star now. He gets another just for breathing.
The King for complaining about Jericho sticking his tongue way down Steph's throat. Like I'm sure that's the worse thing she's had down her throat. Haven't you heard Vince has testicles the size of grapefruits. (yeah I know tasteless, don't say you haven't all thought that at least once)
JR for calling Benwaaah a Wolverine, I'm pretty sure Wolverine's have necks.
Sable2 for having to look at her in at least 5 different segments. Now do you know why I'm calling her Sable2. She's fake, she's ugly and she's taking up valuable time that Taker could be on.
Queen Angle,he's a jackass, it's true, it's true. You know he did look right at home on that moped. Too bad he couldn't have taken the dive with it.
And the Fuckwad of the week award goes to:
The Crew backstage for not moving out of the way fast enough when Taker came through on his bike. He wound up with several sheets of paper on his hand. My God he could have gotten a papercut. I guess working behind the scenes at WWF is like working at DMV if you move slow and have a below average IQ you are hired. Take your Fuckwad award and stick your heads back up your asses where they belong.
Good things:
Taker telling Queen Angle he's going to shove his teeth so far down his throat he can chew his own ass off for pissing him off.
Any time Lita smacks Sable2.
Jericho calling Steph Roadkill. I guess she's been hanging around DX so long her and Road Dogg are starting to look alike.
That's it for this week, yeah it wasn't as good as Cenny's but she's a much better bitch than I am. I strive to one day be as bitchy as she. Laters people.
7/17/00 RAW
I'm back (with all the body parts I left with) and want to start this week's column by saying Thank Youz to our special-guest columnist. Hopefully, we'll be reading more of her observations soon.
The Fuh-Kwad of the Week Award goes to:
Steven Richards (along with whatever "writer" put him in this oh-so-stupid storyline!)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He has no problem with seeing other people have a good time. The pimply 14-year-old boys in the audience are there for one reason: To see Hi (plural of Ho)
2) He doesn't dress like a geek
3) He doesn't look like Stephanie's twin brother, although that was before Steve's haircut. Now, he just looks like John Travolta.
4) He doesn't change his gimmick as often as Jeff Hardy changes his hair-color.
Duh...we *know* Steve-O is just poking fun at those PTC sheeple....uh, people.....but it's already been done. Remember the sign-guy, backin November?
So take your FuckWad Award and hit the road, Steve!
I've got a shelf full of MiniWads, sagging about as much as Mae Young's shrivelled tits, so let's unload them to the following deserving "talents":
a) Kane: for making such a BF deal out of his 2 fans, Ann Arky and Kay Oss. And how the fuck did he go from sounding like Malenko to using big words like "anarchy"?
b) Benoit, Edge, Christian & Shane: Canadians + Porky = Canadian Bacon! Edge & Chris sound like Bill & Ted. They're having an excellent adventure with Wolverine and Porky Pig.
c) Jeff Hardy: Please, get your boney ass over to "Hardee's" and eat till you hear your arteries snap shut! The half red/half blonde look reminded me of Steve Corino on the ECW ppv, after his head got busted open. I'm starting to wonder about those arm covers Jeff wears, too. Are they hiding something, besides those matchstick arms?
d) Trish Stratus (aka Fish Stinkus): for knocking Lita off the ladder and through a table with her big plastic mammaries. Also, for wearing the stupid, shrunken hats. Are they glued to her head?
e) Bull: for borrowing other people's clothes. First he dresses like Bossman, then like Stevie Richards. Who's he gonna dress like next? Stephanie?
f) Road Dogg: For his Elvis impersonation. He's fat, he's a redneck,and he shakes his pudgy hips. Works for me...(urp)
g) Rock: For his foriegn movie debut. When he was backstage yelling, "Ben-Wah!!", I was looking for subtitles on the bottom of the screen.
h) King & JR: For their annoying yammering
i) Little Deano: for still gargling with Drano
j) Big Chy: for picking on Midgetlenko. Neither of them could be a light-heavyweight, due to her chest and his head.
k) Val Venis: Is he more hideous with or without hair? I can't decide.
l) Kevin Kelly: for looking like a mole...or a groundhog. I'm not going to the big Groundhog day party in February to see Kevin Kelly!
^^^^^^^^^
Good stuff:
1) Taker's rant about Kurt. Too bad it had to be cut short by all those others!
2) Vince taking my advice and creating a dental-plan. Lookit Benoit! He got tooth!
3) Ffaarrooqq making his boobs dance while walking backstage with Bradshaw& Rock.
4) Rock smacking Benoit's head with a chair. Too bad it wasn't a barbed-wire bat. We could've seen "ben-wah ball" (heh)
5) Signs: "Long live the mullet" and "Benoit U suck it" (He sucks the mullet? Kinky...)
6) Saturn & Terri: Finally! A little ugly man paired up with a little ugly woman.
7) Tazz and his "Just anothah victim" speech
8) Test as butt-floss for Rikishi
9) Kaintai dlinking at WWF-NY. ("Too much saki...urrrrrp..so solly,balf on cheap melchandise just rike Clash Horry...")
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Internet Nazi Stormtroopers and censorship...)
Fully Loaded 7/23/00-
FuckWad of the Month
July ppv: Fully Loaded, Bloated and Floated
What a great show. No Vince, Road Dogg, X-Pac, Kane, Godfather....It
doesn't get much better than this. Now if we could just get rid of
most of the rest of them, including announcers and interviewers, it would
be perfect.
The show began with A.T.&T. vs Har-Har-Har-dees & Lita. Somebody forgot to tell Trish (aka Skankus Horribulus) to wear black pants. At least she didn't have a kid-sized cowboy hat on (to go with her kid-sized brain) Trish also needs to cut back on the feed. She's looking a little bloated. The first FuckWad of the Month award is for you, Miss Piggy. Waddle on up here and get it and then you can celebrate by pushing your snout into a bag of crispy pork-rinds! We've heard about Chyna being some kind of role-model, but what about Lita? Pay attention, Vince. The crowd is solidly behind her even though she doesn't have sleazy outfits, too much make-up and tits the size of Bessie the cow (Remeber "B.B."?) And she can do more in the ring than cartwheelsand low-blows....
The second match featured Tazz and Al Snow. Since I like both of them, I don't have an award for this match, although Tazz will get hislater in this column.
The between-events entertainment was better than usual. I enjoyed seeing Kurt run for his life while being pursued by a pissed-off, bike-riding Taker. Christian puking in the bathroom was entertainment at it's finest! I thought maybe Christian had been stuck in a small, poorly ventilated room with Road Dogg and X-Pac. The overwhelming odors of deep-fried food, old bong water and b.o. were just too much for a wuss like Christian. And check out HHH's new shirt. It's...it's...every bit as ugly as his old shirt...but not quite as ugly as Steph's clothes!
Match #3 featured little Ed with big Chy and Lump(erry) Saturn with wrinkled Terri. She's starting to look more like a Shar-Pei eachday.
Saturn deserves a Phuh-Quad of the Month Award for his "adjustments." Don't you know you're supposed to fix your cup *before* coming to the ring? And if once wasn't enough, he did it again! Big Chy broke the cardboard announce table easily enough. She just bumped into it and it disintegrated.
More between-match mayhem....Foley catches Christian faking. Awww, too bad. The Taker interview was enjoyable, as always, especiallywhen he called Queen Kurt "you little bitch." If the foo shits, wearit, Kurt.
In the 4th inning, Edge & Christian face Bradshaw & Faarooq. I never heard Bradshaw talk so much. Faarooq shoulda had his turn on the stick too. "Well, I'll be damned...."
We saw Bonzo, the dog-faced Bossman, and his "date" at WWF-NY and morefootage of Taker chasing Angle.
Time for the 5th match and Tazz's very first FuckWad award, due tohis interference that caused Val Vein-less the win (*hisss*) We saw the Horror-in-Pink again, but this time she was in black. Val got busted up pretty good and I was impressed with Rikishi's climbing ability. Trash tried to interfere once, but Lita came out and kicked her ass. Rikishi was doing fine till he decided to do a Snuka-move, leaping off the top of the cage onto Val. One problem, though. When the hands and lower arms are used to break the fall of 400+ pounds, the hands and lower arms get broken. (Ouch) While trying to leave the cage, Rikishi's head was greeted with Tazz's boom-box. Ok, so he borrowed it and "forgot" to remove his cd of Samoan elevator music. No need to get so upset, Tazz. So c'mere and get ya FuckWad Award and I hope dis is da lastone for youze.
Backstage, we see Taker pause by the "Safety-Pride" sign. You know, the one that says "We've gone for ____days without an accident." (I always wondered whose job it was to change that little number every day and how they felt when it was some kind of record, like 1000 days, then some guy gets his arm ripped off in a machine and they've gotta start all over again...) Taker erases the number and kontinues on his Kurt kwest. (Don't tell those OSHA guys, now...)
I saw a very stupid commercial for Summer Slam. Chyna is running on a beach towards a grotesque fat slob, jiggling his way towards her. She clotheslines him, knocking him to the sand in a quivering jello-like heap of flesh (urppp) So good to see Billy Gunn again!
Finally, the match I was waiting for! Kurt komes out, sportinghis "Magic Eye" outfit. If we stared at the pattern long enough, would a picture suddenly pop out? I don't know anybody who'd volunteer for the job of Angle-staring except maybe for the man down the street (Hi, Pierce!) Taker surprised Kurt at ringside and proceeded to kick his ass all over the outside of the ring before rolling him into the ring to resume putting the hurt on him (whew!) Kurt wanted to fight with someone his own size, so he attacked Taker's leg (which is still bigger than Kurt). Taker sold Kurt's lame attempts, same as always, flopping around on his back like he'd been hooked, before finally bouncing Kurt around like a basketball and winning the match. Kurt deserves a big FuckWad of the Month Award, not only for his annoying behavior leading up to this match, but for the Magic-Eye tights.
Match #7 was better than I expected. E-C-fuckin-W! WasHHH bleeding for real? Well, judging by Steph's reaction, I'd say...yes. We all know she can't act her way out of a paper bag. At the end of the match, when she ran up to Triple Juice and laid her hand on his blood covered surface, she got this look on her lobotomized face like, "Oh shit...it's real!" Her hand started shaking as she tried to wipe it off on HHH's chest, but there was no clean surface to wipe it on. Her face had a look of revulsion and shock that would be hard for a real actress to pull off, never mind a McMahon. I think Jericho (the tin-foil goat-boy) shoulda won. And where's he been hiding those foil shirtslately?
The end is near: Rock vs Benoit for the heavy-woit belt. First, a FuckWad of the Month award to Shane Alfonso. All he needs is a whistle to blow on while he spazzes out. Once again, a Canadian gets screwed out of a title (nyah-nyah Bret!) I was waiting for the crowd to riot, seeing Raukstin lose to the Canadian Crappler. How the fuck could the belt go to someone who can't even talk? It's supposed to go to someone who can't *stop* talking (except when UT gets it, of course) Then again, if BenWah ever gets the belt, Shane can act as "the mouthpiece" (ugh). Good Ol' Mick saved the day (At least it wasn't Austin doing a "walk-in"...he can't do a "run-in"!) The match continued, and Rock won. Oh well...better a bulgey-eyed winner than a bulgey-necked one.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Magic Eye pictures...)
7/24/00 RAW
Shamu has escaped from SeaWorld and is beached back at the WWF. My very first FuckWad of the Week Award recipient has once again been chosen.
Flop on up here, Big Show, but watch out for that one-legged man withthe harpoon....
The Undertaker possesses 4 (more like 4000) things YOU don't:
1) After a long absence, he was still over as a solo act. You'vegot to be part of a group (well...even when you're alone, you're a group)
2) The only thing he wants to do with Shane's fat ass is kick it. You, on the other hand, refer to it as your "billion-dollar butt plug."
3) He's got a slight gut, he knows it, we know it, and nobody cares.You're STILL trying to hold yours in. Give it up! You're notkidding anybody....
4) He's got new entrance music. You've got...bwaahhaaha...the same one you left with. If Billy Gunn gets a new theme when he returns, you'll be the only one with Doofus-music!
Now, take your FuckWad of the Week Award and roll on out of here.
(Pssst, Captain Ahab....he's over there...go ask him for an autograph, and have your harpoon ready...smirk)
------------------------------
(4 additional reasons from Sabretooth)
1) Undertaker doesn't need some kind of girdle belt to hold in his fat.
2) Undertaker doesn't come in with a "No Gimmick Needed" shirt and then ends up with Stevie Richard's "change my gimmick every day" act.
3) Undertaker doesn't claim to be the biggest, because there were people in the WWF bigger than both Taker AND Big Slob.
4) Undertaker, even at his WORST doesn't get winded 2 minutes into the match.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MiniWads this week to:
a) Benoit: for his Bret Hart imitation, bitching and whining about"being screwed."
b) Road Dogg: for saying "I want Blackman on his back!"
c) X-Pac: for trying to do commentary on the above match
d) The twin Ho's (Hi) with the Godfather: If they're the twins reportedly signed by the WWF, they look like they're about 12. Lawler will wantto date both of them!
e) Kurt Angle (aka Turd Dangle): for being too much of a pussy to faceUT alone.
f) HHH: for those hideous close-ups on the Titantron. All heneeds is a set of antlers...
g) Kane: for acting all big & bad, demanding a match from Foley,only to wimp-out in the ring.
h) The McMahon siblings: for being a fat-assed brother/sister tag-team
i) Whoever writes the RAW script for the night after a ppv. Why do we have to see the same matches we just saw the previous night? Can't we just continue with the story-lines?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Good Stuff:
1) Mick Foley (to Shane): "The only thing that never changes is yourdad's hairstyle!"
2) If Bull Buchanan is responsible for getting rid of the Godfather/Hogimmick, all I can say is...You rule, ya big oaf! Now can we puhleeze see Godfather as "Candyman"? (minus the bees, of course...)
3) Sign: "Kurt's 3 I's: Ignorance, Ineptitude, I got my ass kickedby the Undertaker"
4) Seeing Kane playing hopscotch up the ramp
5) All the commercials for Allegheny Mountain Wrestling Federation. It's a wrestling school in Tyrone, PA. (near me!) Want more info? Go to: http://www.amwfwrestling.com
(It's taught by Doink the Clown, but don't hold that against them!)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of billion-dollar butt plugs and"wight" whales...)
7/31/00
FuckWad of the Week Award: July 31, 2000
It's Hot, Humid and I'm Hung-over (ewww, Triple H!)so this week's column will be as short as a McMahon's dick (not that I'd
know anything about THAT...ask Pat Patterson or 80% of the roster...)
MiniWads to the following:
a)X-Pac: For playing "fetch the stick" with Jim Dotson ("Get it, Jim! Good dog!")
b)Steph: For asking HHH to imagine *her* bent over in front of Angle.
I'm sure HHH would rather imagine *himself* bent over in front of Angle.
c)HHH: For admitting that he's been obsessed with Jericho. Get over it already, Bullwinkle!
d)Val(erie) Venis: Is his hair shrinking or is his head growing?
e)Rock: For fighting with HHH yet again...zzzzzzzz
f)The "save the Ho's" chants: Most of us would rather sit through a Kane interview than see the Hi.
g)Edge & Christian: I liked them better when they didn't talk (and I didn't like them much then, either!)
h)Linda McMahon: For being shown at the Republican National Convention
(along with Rock-stin) Do we care? And the words "Republican"
and "wrestling fan" go together about as well as the following:
sexy/Road Dogg
talented/Kane
intelligent/Trish
Well, you get the idea...
i) The view at the end of the show. If I wanted to see a hideously unattractive man laying on top of a slutty-looking
woman I'd rent a porno film! (or look in my neighbor's window...)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of shitty shows...and I'm sure the Plumber's Union wants to get rid of shit from "Show" too)
Don't complain to me...you should know by now never to eat anything while reading one of my columns!
See ya
soon...........................................................
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Want to e-mail Cenny? Use egzakto@charter.net Back to the Crypt
