Austin's back...he's grown some hair, dyed it black, lost
weight, and got quite a tan. He also borrowed one of those
gaudy gay-ass shirts from the Rock. Wait! That *is* the Rock.
He's become so Austinized, I was fooled for a minute there. The
entire program deserves a big shiny FuckWad of the Week Award,
except for the too-brief Taker segment (*hisss*) So, what does
Undertaker have that the rest don't? (Besides new ink on his
throat) Even when he was champ, he didn't need to monopolize
each show, being the first one out and the last one out too.
Here's a FuckWad for Rock-stin. Taker didn't need FatBoy Shane
to speak for him, unlike Benwaaah. Another Fuckwad, for the
Kanadian Krapper. Listening to him is almost as bad as
listening to Patterson! Taker doesn't gain 10 pounds a week,
like Shane and Steph. I thought people like the McHams have
personal chefs. Maybe it's time to find one who knows how to
prepare lo-fat foods. Here's 2 FuckWads for the chubby children
of Vince! Undertaker doesn't get all excited while viewing
Rikishi's ass, like Road Dogg. Dogg was beside himself, wanting
to pinch those dimpled cheeks. He finally couldn't restrain
himself anymore, and had to run out and grab himself a handful.
Here's a FuckWad for the man (?) known as Road Dogg. Now we see
Stevie and the Censors (sounds like a bar band). Why is Bull
wearing a child-sized tie? JR asks "Who ARE these people?"
Uh...wrestlers with no gimmick? Easier to lump all 3 together
than to come up with 3 new gimmicks. FuckWads to the 3
tie-wearing, gimmickless wrestlers! And a FuckWad to JR too. He
made more mistakes announcing last night's show than he ever
has. Too much bbq sauce, maybe? Tazz was right to want to kick
JR's pudgy ass. Lawler had to make the save?? Ah'm not frum
Memphis and Ah doan lahk Lawler. Ah doan wanna see him in a
feud with Tazz. A FuckWad to the "King" (smirk) for thinking he
can still be a wrestler. What is he, almost 50? His career
would just be taking off if he went to WCW. A 6-man match?
Where are the 6 men? Well...there's Albert and Chyna. FuckWads
to all! One for "Little Hulio" for needing the protection of
his big mama/ One for Big Chy for *still* being involved in
this gimmick/ One each for the Dancing Queens (If my
grandfather had lived to see "The Worm" he woulda died
laughing)/ One for Al for being a part of all this/ One for
Testes for being a waste of air-time/ One for Val because he
sucks no matter what gimmick they put him into/ and speaking of
sucking...(How else would somebody like HER be on tv?)...one
for Trish. Time for the mute-button! We're treated to the high,
whiney voice of SteFATnie. She's developed Mideon arms: tiny in
the wrist and flabby on top. What's that stuck to HHH's
forehead? A post-it note with Steph's lines printed on it? A
FuckWad to Bullwinkle! The Rock vs BenOYt match was guarenteed
to have interference from the be-deep-be-deep-be-billion dollar
butt puh-puh-plug, Porky. Well, for a fat guy, he can still run
pretty fast. I was glad to see Jericho come out wearing Steph's
pants. They look better on him. So what's with all the
commercials during the Tazz segment? Why don't they ever break
for commercials when Steph is on?? Shmo with his 2 little
blondes, Edge & Christian vs Acolytes and Matt Hardy. What? No
Jeff?? I'm shocked...It was great to see Taker chase the "Pork
Beast" (credit: Miguel) up the ramp. Too bad Shane didn't miss
the ledge and fall! Taker proceeds to kick Shamu's winded ass
and choke him with a chain. Why can't we see more of that kind
of entertainment? The great "wight" whale plunges to his death
(wishful thinking). Shmo has a whole room full of FuckWads by
now, but I'm sure he can find room for one more. The show ended
with Deja Doo-doo or "Hey, I've see this shit before." Just
like Austin, Rock comes down to the announce table to see who
his opponent will be for Bummer Slam (aka I-wasted-30$) And,
like Austin, Rock is left wondering who won, so he has a
tantrum in the rng, putting a lame move on Turd Dangle (here's
a FuckWad for him) and Triple Noze. He forgot to pour a beer on
himself. Maybe next week... Cenny (Hoping to rid the Wrestling
World of Austin clones...)
FuckWad of the Week Award: August 14, 2000
RAW is assorted pieces of pork (fat included). Today's special:
Kane (includes animal by-products)
This week's FuckWad Award goes to the Masked One, El Lame-o,
also known as He-who-sucks. Walk, don't ride (since you looked
about as good on that bike as a turd on a buffet) and come get
your award, Kane.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The Undertaker possesses 4,000,000,000 things YOU don't:
(but I'll only list 4)
1) Talent
2) Huge pops from the crowd
3) The ability to ride a motorcycle (Maybe you should've taken
a couple lessons from him *before* attempting to ride up the
ramp. That was fuckin' pitiful!)
4) He's willing to make himself look bad in order to make YOU
look good.
So take your FuckWad of the Week award and go back to the
buffet. I hear they're serving your favorite...dog-shit pie.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
MiniWads to......
a) Jericho: for his foil shirts. And what ever happened to
Curtis "Happy" Hughes?
b) Trish: you'd think a hairstylist working for the WWF could
actually
DO something with that rat-chewed hair. Shave it off...go to an
Aveda salon...but do something with it!
c) HHH & Steph: We're all sick of your problems. If I had to
choose between him and Angle, I'd uh...I'd go to Adult World
and buy a "fake" ...it would have a better personality than
those 2!
d) Stevie & the Censors: Hopefully, they'll let Kane join them.
e) Shane: for hitting Taker with a chair. Quit trying to be a
wrestler, already!
f) Michael Cole: If people aren't registered voters, Cole sure
as shit isn't going to influence them to vote.
g) Linda: She's got "republican" written all over her, so why
was she at a democratic convention?
h) Lawler: No shirt! Argghhhh!! The horror, the horror....
i) Road Dogg: He got hair! Since when? ("Maybe he's a chia
pet": credit Emily)
j) Val: Why is he in his underwear? Ugh...
k) Benoit: Either quit smiling or wear your prosthetic tooth.
You look like a Kane fan!
l) Vince: Ewww, he's baaack. Go home and take your fat-ass
wannabe wrestler kids with you.
*************************************************
Good stuff:
1) ApA out drinking with Taka & Funaki. Funaki didn't puke from
too much saki. He puked because he saw Lawler without a shirt.
2) Chyna for having her entire chest covered, for once.
3) Foley announcing the table, ladder, chair match for the ppv.
Too bad the Dudleys will get screwed again.
4) Taker mouthing the word "mother-fucker" to Kane
5) Taker's darkened facial hair. Looks good, big man. Sometimes
dye is a good thing, but not in Trish's case!
6) Tazz wearing JR's hat
7) X-Pac laughing as Road Dogg's face disappeared into
Rikishi's ass
8) Joe...I like troublemakers.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of He-who-sucks...)
FuckWad of the Week Award: August 21, 2000
RAW is....ugly shirts and no Taker (*hisss*)
This week's FuckWad Award goes to whoever wrote the script for
last night's show. Even dim wrestling fans (those who write
"ston clod rulz!" or "wer is paul bar?") could've done a better
job.
The first quarter of the show is always the same lately, with
at least 10 minutes of boring talk by Rock, Angle, HHH, Foley
and at least one McMahon...each one interrupting the last one,
until they've all had their say. There *are* other people in
the WWF, ya know. A newcomer to wrestling would think these
were the only people in the WWF!
MiniWads to:
a) Tazz: for getting punked out yet again by a middle aged,
overweight has-been.
b) Lawler: for thinking he can wear spandex (Notice how he gets
huge pops from the "Suthun" fans)
c) Whoever'z rezponzible for uzing "z" inztead of "s" (Hardyz,
Dudleyz, Ztupid Zpelling...)
d) Jeff Hardy: for wearing the mysterious shrinking shirt in
his match, calling attention to his "holocaust-survivor" look
e) Val(erie) Venis: for being the only wrestler without a
costume
f) Trish: for having the most damaged hair I've ever seen (her
picture is used as a *don't* in Cosmetology school) AND for
wearing kane-shoes
g) Whoever decided that we need to see the ending of the match
we just saw...again! (After several minutes of commercials)
h) Pete & Rodney: Why are they back? Ugh...
i) Chyna: for being "the thpokethperthon for the World'th
Thtrongetht Fat Burner"...guaranteed to make you lose 5 pounds
and then regain 15!
j) Saturn: for being the only guy who can walk down the ramp
looking straight ahead and *still* be able to see the crowd on
both sides.
k) Shane: for getting the Hardcore belt. What an
accomplishment! It *only* took the help of 4 other guys. Now I
suppose he'll keep the belt as long as his sister kept hers.
What does the Undertaker possess that none of the above do?
The sense to stay home rather than be a part of this lame show.
Good Stuff:
1) Seeing Lita get the belt.
2) Seeing the Road Dogg/X-Pac love affair possibly come to an
end
3) Sign in the crowd: "Benoit the Canadian Candy-Ass"
4) Seeing the Acolytes bounce Kurt around the ring
5) Mick Foley to HHH: "It's unfortunate that your ears aren't
as big as your nose."
Cenny
"rikishi" means "wrestler" in Japanese...and "Kane" means
"He-who-sucks" in *every* language!
***************************************************
8-28-00 Summer Slam: Weebles Wobble But They Don't
Fall Down
...unless they're in a ladder match, or the boss's son!
I was happy this morning, thinking about last night's
Undertaker/Kane match. The bell never rang? I didn't even
notice at the time. I was too busy laughing at Kane's new
clothes (the gay-Diesel look); the fact that he got busted
open; and...seeing his so-called moves amount to nothing under
the onslaught of Taker.
Every event deserves a FuckWad (some more than others):
The first couple minutes of the show had me wondering if this
was opera, a Fellini film, or what. I could sit here and write
comments about Freddie (Kruger) Blassie and name a few operas,
but other than naming some, I know as much about opera as Kane
knows about putting on a decent match, so I won't waste time.
I'll just say it was a "different" way to begin a ppv. Hmmmm. I
*did* like the "S" that looked like the Tall Man's throwing
stars (from Phantasm). Whenever someone came out on the ramp, I
was hoping we'd see that lethal flying "S" cut the person in
half (except for the people I like, of course)
1) Stevie & the Censors vs Dancing Queens and RiKeister (with
Hi):
Why don't the RTC put their neck-ties to good use and use them
to strangle their opponents? It would be entertaining to see
the Dancing Queens try to dance their way out of that! A
FuckWad to the RTC for not thinking of that, and FuckWads to
their opponents because their whole routine is getting boring.
2) Romeo (Road Dogg) vs Juliette (X-Pac):
A big FuckWad to Roadie for the impressive snot bubble he was
working on until it popped on X's match-stick arm. Awww. And no
matter who won, we *knew* they'd end up fighting. The anal-rape
scene was disturbing but not unexpected. Now that they've split
up, who gets custody of Billy?
3) Big Chy & Little Ed vs Ugly Val & Uglier Trish: Val deserves
a FuckWad for still wearing his underwear to the ring. I hated
his old gimmick with the towel and the idiotic "Big Valbowski"
comments, but this one's just as bad. Val, the generic
wrestler, packaged in plain ol' white with a little black
thrown in for contrast. And I guess the hair transplant didn't
work, so he shaved it all off. I wath imprethed theeing Chyna
gorilla-preth Trish (but I noticed her shaking under all that
weight). So now Wonder Woman is the IC (I-Theee) Champ.
4) Da Mood iz about to change: And it can't happen zoon enough.
Tazz az JR was funny. Tazz choking out Lawler waz funny. JR
hitting Tazz with a fake glazz jar was NOT funny. Pig-face, the
Patron Saint of BBQ sauce, should stick to announcing. Seeing
that fat slob Lawler shirtless with his ass encased in spandex
(like packaged Lard) was a little hard on the eyes too.
FuckWads for the announcers, who don't belong in the ring.
5) Blackman vs Shane McHam: It was great seeing Blackman put a
trash can over the billion-dollar butt-plug and do a little
drumming on it. Even the interference of Albert and Taste(less)
couldn't stop the little guy from Pennsylvania (no wonder I
like him!). To cover up the fact that he can't wrestle, Shane
decided to take a huge fall to impress the crowd. The
stuntman-approved air bag coupled with Shane's considerable fat
saved him from any real harm. I'm sitting here humming
"Spoonman" because it rhymes with Blackman. Sing along,
now....Blackman/Put Shane in a garbage can/Save me/From
McMahons on tv/Blackman/Take the boss's son's fat
hand/Blackman/ Hit him with a frying pan/
6) Ben(wah) & Jerry(co) in an "I Scream" match: Well, not
really, but here's a FuckWad for Benwah for wearing pants made
from Kane's old shirt. I also wish everyone in the crowd
would've chipped in 10 cents to buy BenGay a new tooth!
7) T-L-C Match: Suddenly, Shane's big bump didn't look so
impressive anymore. These guys (I mean Dudleys and Hardys)
didn't have air bags to fall on to. They just had tables,
floors, etc. In these 3-way matches, Edge & Christian seem to
do the least amount of work and they STILL end up with the
belts. FuckWads to them both!
8) Kat the Rat vs Terri the Dog: Fuckwads to both for wasting
our time with this silly match. Poor Al Snow, having to be
involved in this. He deserves better treatment. I didn't watch
it, so I don't know what happened. And the people who'd
actually care about this so-called match don't read my column
anyway.
9) The Gem of the night: Undertaker vs Lame. Where was the
burn-scarred arm? The hideous face was there, but it was
covered with stringy hair and smeared eye make-up. It looked
like....Glen Jacobs! Gasp! I've already mentioned Kane's new
shirt (smirk). We all saw the crowd on its feet when UT came
out on a white motorcycle. So there was no "real" match? It was
still a good event, although Kane will come out tonight (with a
paper bag over his head) and demand a rematch. I loved it when
Taker asked the crowd if he should unmask Kane. And seeing that
ripped piece of mask dangling off to the side was a real Kodak
moment! When Taker first started ripping off the mask, I
thought maybe he'd just rip Kane's face off and hold up the
remains. I really hope Big Shmo was watching at home. See,
Shmo...this is how it's done!
Somehow, I think this match was better than it would've been
with Show instead of Kane. Taker would've done all the work and
Show would be wheezing and ready to fall over when
suddenly...Kane would do a run-in, hit Show with a chair, and
cost Taker the match. So, I'm glad it didn't work out that way.
A big FuckWad to Kane for pretty much everything he did (and
wore).
10) Main Event time: Turd Dangle and Bullwinkle battled for
awhile while Raukstin sat on the can and finished reading a
magazine article...Finally, he decided to join them. I was glad
Angle didn't get the belt although I'm sure he'll be a 3-time
champion before we see Taker get it again. I see the announce
table broke a little too soon when "H" and "A" (ha) were on it.
Rock didn't do much besides roll around and pretend to be in
pain. FuckWads to the most disgustifying man in sports
entertainment and the earless, square headed Angle. I won't
give one to HHH, since he basically carried the match. A big
FuckWad to Shitphony too, because I'm sick of seeing her fat
ass on tv. I thought for sure we'd see Austin or Vince somehow
interfere at the end.
Well, I'm out of Wads. Tonight's show will more than likely be
all last night's losers whining about how they were screwed and
demanding a rematch. zzzzzz
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of masks...)
FuckWad of the Week Award: August 28, 2000
RAW is the same damn matches we saw on the ppv....but wait!
There's more! Near the end of the show was a sight more
horrible than anything I've ever seen. In fact, it ranked right
up there with the top 5 most hideous things I've ever seen.
Yes, I'm talking about a 98% naked (urrrp) Mideon. He deserves
the FuckWad of the Week award.
Jiggle on up here, Mid, and get your award!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) Better ink (for the most part)
2) A body that would actually look good wearing that little,
uh, pouch
3) Huge pops from the crowd, including standing ovations. I'm
sure a lot of people stood up when you came to the ring last
night, but it was for one of two reasons:
They wanted to at least get out into the aisle before throwing
up (a few lucky ones may have made it to the bathroom, first)
OR There were P.E.T.A sheeple...uh, people...in the audience
and they were outraged at seeing a live pig in the ring.
4) He was never a mid-carder. You'll never be anything "butt" a
mid-carder!
If you're set on showing off your body, make sure it's at least
decent looking. Now, take your award and hit the road (and buy
yourself a case of Slim-Fast)
MiniWads to:
a) Trash Skankus...for insisting on the penciled-on eyebrow
look.
b) Turd Dangle...for wearing that big band-aid on his shoulder.
Hiding your third eye? Either that or a bite mark from Steph
(ewww)
c) Triple Noze...for his line: "I'm the King of the underhanded
King."
d) Angle again...for HIS line: "You're damn sure you better be
damn sure."
(It's nice to see that the WWF hired Dan Quayle as a script
writer.)
e) Chyna...for that thing stuck on the bottom of her shoe. I'd
guess it was Billy's gum or Show's snot, but since neither of
them were there, who knows?
f) Eddie Gay-Rear-O...for telling HHH that Chyna "is MY Mommy."
I didn't know it was possible to give birth at age 5
g) Edge & Christian (aka 2 ugly Blondes)...for exploiting
midgets. That mini D-Von was an ugly little fucker.
h) Kane...for the replacement mask, the dorky shirt and the
stupid interview. He plans to beat his "brother" to a bloody
pulp? Bwaahhhaaa. The only thing Kane will beat Taker to is the
buffet table!
i) Rock...For sweating like a typhoon. Kevin (Mr. Mole) Kelly
needed an umbrella.
Good stuff (also known as stuff that didn't suck):
1) Al Snow's "Mr. Frosty" picture on his tights. Wonder if he
plays "Clay Fighter"?
2) Signage: "Tennis is Fake"
"Angle is a Fag"
"You suck" (Talk about an all-purpose sign!)
3) The Kane mask dangling off of Taker's bike.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of fat, ugly, near-naked
men) Back to FuckWads Archives
Want to e-mail Cenny? Use egzakto@charter.net Back to the Crypt
