RAW is...giving losers a chance to get 'over' by excessive use
of the microphone. And we all know it works about as well as
Stacker2 works for Paul Wight or Shane. Loser #1: Val Venis. He
came out and argued with RTC (Really The Crappiest) but we
still hate him as much as before. Loser #2: Kane, trying to do
color commentary with JR. I couldn't even understand what he
was saying, so I played the tape today, using the S.A. (shitty
audio) button. This is what I heard: Kane: You want an
experience, Jim? JR: No...no thank you. Kane: Feed me....Got
pork rinds?....Gimme a case of your bar-b-q sauce.....Got pork
rinds?...Does this new outfit make my ass look big?...Do you
think I should get a tattoo?...I'm hungry... Before I go any
further, I received this e-mail from PETA (aka Pork Entrails
Taste Awesome): "We will not sit by and watch the unethical
treatment of a helpless pig in a wrestling ring! We've been
subjected to this travesty two weeks in a row. Please forward
this to everyone who cares about the treatment of our porcine
pals." Sincerely, Lar Deater Sorry, that's *not* a pig. It's
Mideon! (although with an apple in his mouth, the resemblance
is uncanny...) MiniWads to: a) Steph: for her pink cow shirt.
b) The script writers: for too much fuckin' talking at the
beginning of the show. We dedicated fans stayed up way late for
this? *hisssss* c) Roley Poley Foley: Yes, I like Mick, but
he's gaining weight and he already has enough health problems
without adding more. d) Test(es): For admitting he "called the
cops" on HHH. e) Whoever decided that Kane and Benwaaah were #1
contenders! f) Goodfella...uh, Goodfather: for getting stuck
with the short tie this time. Can't all 3 of them have the same
sized tie? Or is the length of a tie related to the
circumference of the wearer's neck? (any readers from Corporate
Amerika want to answer that?) g) Bossman: for going from big
bastard to big wimp. Bring back the coffin-stealing,
canine-killing Bossman! h) Whoever is responsible for Tazz
getting such a shitty story-line. (although he was at least
allowed to choke out Lawler) i) Road Dogg & Val V: the new Odd
Couple j) Whoever brought back the "abduction/brainwashing"
angle. Who gives a shit if Val(erie) is kidnapped by the RTC?
It was better when the Acolytes kidnapped Mideon...and Taker
made a better ring-leader than Stevie Richards, even though the
whole Ministry story sucked. Good Stuff: 1) Taker spitting on
Kane (That was worth staying awake for!) 2) Albert yelling
"Shit!" while in the ring with HHH 3) The way Eddie ended up
with the Eye-See belt 4) The Acolytes' Asian cheerleaders, Taka
and Funaki 5) The commercial for the new movie "Urban Legend:
The Final Cut". We need an ugly, masked guy in the WWF. On
second thought, we've already got Kane.... Signs: "Tennis is
STILL Fake" "Rednecks Smell"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling
World of guest announcers that can't talk)
9/11/00
RAW is Really Annoying Wrestling (with a few exceptions)
I felt like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Right
before each thing happened, I *predicted* it would (and so did
everybody else with an IQ higher than a slug's) When Foley came
out and wondered who ran over Thumb-Head, didn't we all just
*know* Rock would come out and yak, followed by Ben-weenie,
Kane, and Undertaker? And then (surprise!) they'd all start
(cough) battling in the ring. We all *knew* Val had joined the
RTC, despite the fact that he'd forgotten his RTC clothes
backstage. We all *knew* Lawler would interfere with Tazz's
match, and we all *knew* Eddie would act like an asshole again.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......
MiniWads this week to:
a) Mideon - Christ, how long will viewers be tortured with his
new look?
b) Ivory - for her skanky costume
c) Big Chy & Little Ed - for their stupid-ass storyline, and
also for Chyna's plug for the upcoming issue of Playboy with
her "picthureth" in it. Well, I guess Vince has to recoup at
least some of the $ he spent on her remodelling job.
d) Val - for forgetting his RTC clothes...although that
would've ruined the "surprise", right? (yawn)
e) That picture of Al Gore that Al Snow brought out. Oh...that
was David Hassel-fuck. What a scary resemblance between the
two!
f) Lawler - for hitting Tazz with the picture of Al Gore. Tazz
hazz had enough. I don't blame him. At least if he went back to
ECW, he wouldn't have to job to flabby 50 year-olds. Sort of
like the Dudleys always having to lose to the Hardys. I call it
shitty treatment of former ECW stars.
g) Test - for his RED pants (A subliminal message by the
WWF...)
h) Steph - for showing us her flabby white gut. If it ain't
firm and flat, keep it covered. Notice how that ugly-ass belt
somehow got caught on her skin? I've seen "Dream Catchers", so
I guess that was a "Fat Catcher." Also, I remember when those
kind of belts were popular, even though they were ugly back
then, too!
i) Benwaah - for telling Kane: "You were probably the last one
picked for kickball." Wrong! Kane WAS the Kickball.
j) Kane - for insisting he was "NEVER picked last." That's
correct...he was never picked at all! Why are 2 of the worst
talkers in the WWF even having a conversation? Also, notice
Taker wasn't whining about fuckin' Kickball.
Good Stuff:
1) Taker chokeslamming Kane right as the show was going off the
air.
2) Al Snow dressed as a native German. Of course, the WWF will
keep this up till he dresses like a representative of every
European country....
3) No McMahons until 45 minutes into the show.
4) Two signs in the crowd: "I Ran Over Austin" & "The Olympics
Are Fake"
And now, a word about subliminal messages:
We noticed that Test had red pants on. I also noticed nearly
every person in the first few rows wearing red. Is this the
WWF's way of trying to push Kane on us? It won't work!
Although, maybe the color red has some special significance to
Arizona. Having never been there, I wouldn't know...
Cenny
(Hoping to RED the Wrestling World of RID)
FuckWad of the Week Award: September 18,2000
I don't know about this move to The Nashville Network. I never
even watched that channel until ECW took up residency there. Ah
thought it wuz jest Nascar and cheesy Country videos. I guess
it *still* is, except now it'll include WWF programming.
Shucks, Ah wonder if they's only showing RAW cuz of Stone Cold?
Finally, a new recipient of the FuckWad of the Week Award,
proudly presented to:
Steven Regal! (Yeah, so he's not really "new", but he's been
gone since before I started this column...)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) A low voice: We have enough whiney voices in the WWF
already, without adding yours!
2) Taker deserves your "old" gimmick ("He's a man...a real
man...")
3) He doesn't agonize over "which fork to use first." Whichever
one he wants to use is fine, and if YOU don't like it, he'll
stick that fork right through your eyes!
4) I can't picture him dining by candlelight with Pat
Patterson...but I *can* picture YOU doing that.
So swish on up 'ere, Steven. 'Ere's yer award, now 'it the
road! Why don't English people pronounce the letter "H"? "
'Unter 'Earst 'Elmsley can be a right Ass-'ole, what?"
Small Awards (aka MiniWads) to:
a) Slutphony: She said, "I've come out tonight to put an end to
something that's been going on for too long." Seeing your fat
ass on tv each week? Listening to your whiney voice? Those
stylish, tasteful clothes you wear? No such luck! (*hissss*)
b) Val Veeta (He's the "cheesiest"): For going against the
grain and wearing white pants instead of black ones. He looks
like a fuckin' house painter with a tie!
c) Crocky Diarreah: For his shirt. Was it mohair? Well, the
hair of the Mo has gotta go!
d) Kane Stain: For saying, "Rock...You're mine!" Awwww, it
must've been the fuzzy shirt that attracted Kane to Rock.
e) Junior "High" X-Pac: For coming out shirtless to attack
Jericho. I thought it was Blackman at first and wondered what
the hell happened to him...he looked awful! Then I realized it
was just the Bone-y Jabrnoni "pretending" to be like Blackman.
f) Mideon: For trying to gross out the people at WWF-NY. Gotta
love those New Yorkers...they see so much bizarre shit on the
streets everyday that nobody even looked at Mideon.
g) Commish Foley: For his lame plea to Al Gore and Georgie Jr.
Does anyone *really* believe they'll show up at RAW or
Smackdown to "debate"? Shit...might as well invite Lieberman
(and his wife, Haddasah....tell me that's *not* her real name!)
h) BenWoos: For coming down to the announce table during the
Taker/Rock match. And of "kourse", Kane wasn't far behind.
Benoit has the gall to ask "What's HE doing here?" What the
fuck are YOU doing there? Neither of you belong there during a
match that doesn't involve you!
i) The Bitch of BBQ sauce, JR: For his Au(stin)gasm..."STONE
COLD!!STONE COLD!! PAY PER VIEW!!" Geez...must be the first
time JR's gotten off since Austin left the show. Was it good
for you or were ya just "faking", JR?
Good Stuff:
1) Signs: "Boycott Metallica" (complete with Napster logo) and
"OJ Hit Austin."
2) HHH's comments about Gay Crybaby Kurt
3) Tazz azz the Ring Announcer. I wish they'd just can Lillian
and give her job to Tazz.
4) Taker shown backstage, prior to his match. Jab, jab,
stretch....spit!
5) Taker's great lines, including "I'm still down with the
devil...and I'll go Medieval on your ass!"
Cenny
(I have a feeling "Unforgiven" will end up being
"UnforgAustin"...)
9-22-00 September ppv: Unfukaustin (Unforgiven)
My definition of "unforgiven" is: Austin's mother, 9 months
before Steve was born, telling her husband, "Don't worry, this
is my "safe" time..."
The FuckWad of the Month Award is presented to: Steve Austin
and his love-slave, JR. I won't go the usual route, listing 4
things Taker has that these two don't. I think it's glaringly
obvious....
JR deserves a big wad (which I'm sure he's getting from Steve),
for constantly mentioning Austin during OPM's. (Other People's
Matches)
Open up those squinty little eyes and take a look at who's in
the ring. Those are the names you should be mentioning. How
would YOU like it if Lawler went on and on about past
announcers? As for Au-stain: when Taker made his come-back on a
ppv, he did it the right way...appearing towards the very end,
so as not to take away from the others on the show. Raven made
his debut (for lack of a better word) during last night's show,
but it was a brief, one-time appearance. One Austin sighting
(at the end of the ppv) would have sufficed. Instead, we were
"treated" to that vision of studliness (urrrp) at...8:30, 8:45,
9:00, 9:19, and 10:13. The last sighting featured that
impressive stunner (on both Blackman and Shane) and the
beer-wasting and finger-flipping soon followed. Anyone who's a
parent looks at Austin pouring beer all over his chin and is
reminded of when their child first drank from a cup...cute if
the drinker is 15 months old but disgusting if the drinker is
an adult (unless of course he has no arms or is severely
retarded...then it's still disgusting, but at least there's a
reason for it) Jesus, I hope Austin doesn't eat the same way he
drinks! And does the BBQ-Bitch, JR, think he's being impartial
when he makes "nice" comments about "talented youngsters" in
his column? I don't hear him bellowing any other name besides
Austin's. I also noticed him whining about Lawler losing to
Tazz (possibly due to Raven's help, but I think Tazz can do it
on hizz own)
But it was "ok" for YOU to hit Tazz with your candy jar awhile
back??
Waddle on up here and get your awards. You can go dancing at
Lucille's (a gay bar where I live)
MiniWads to:
a) The RTC: for winning their match, but at least Stevie got
wood (and I don't mean Stevie Austin getting 2" wood from
JR...)
b) Lawler: for his crayola-colored spandex, calling attention
to his bean-shaped body.
c) X-Pac: for even being on this ppv
d) Steph: for showing her flab-role again. Does she *really*
think she has a good body? I'm twice her age and had 2 kids and
I have less gut!
e) Chyna: for trying to help Eddie. Shoulda just let Rikishi
flatten him.
f) Shane: for wasting several minutes of the show (and my VCR
tape) with his pointless yakking. Blackman: a suspect? C'mon!
g) Benwaaah and Kay(n): for being in the main event and wearing
"matching" black/red outfits. When the fuck will we see a 2-man
main event again?
h) Rock: for hogging the belt again. I guess he'll keep it till
he loses it to Austin (who'll keep it for 2 years!)
Good Stuff: (compared to the rest...)
1) Michael Cole asking Tazz about Austin and Tazz's reply: "Who
cares?"
2) Raven (although coming from ECW he'll get stuck in a shitty
angle for awhile...I guess we'll see him and Tazz vs JR and
Lawler next!)
3) Al Snow representing Italy (Gee, only about 50 more
countries to go)
4) Taker revving his bike and pretending not to hear the
annoying interviewer.
5) Benoit getting the belt AND having to give it back
6) Kane *not* getting the belt
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of rednecks and the
announcers who love them...)
FuckWad of the Week Award: September 25, 2000
Reply
RAW is....888-POP-1090! What the fuck is that? It was mentioned
on every commercial, so it *must be* important. Maybe it's a
redneck phone-sex number (*hissss*)
This FuckWad of the Week award is presented to: Chyna
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He didn't have his entire face reconstructed.
2) He doethen't lithp when he trieth to thay thomething! Too
bad you couldn't have your voice reconstructed, too.
3) Self-respect (or in your case, "thelf rethpect")
4) A penis. Then again, yours was air-brushed out of your
photos, right?
What was the point of that too long speech you gave last night?
The only difference between you and those Hollywood-type women
you look down your reconstructed nose at is the color of your
hair dye. Now take your award and hit the road (and please take
Cheech Marin/Speedy Gonzales with you!)
MiniWads to:
a) Austin - for being Austin. All those months off and you
still can't think of anything new to say?
b) Benwaaaah - for being just another whiney Cry-nadian. We saw
enough of that with Bret.
c) The same damn matches we saw the night before.
d) XPac - for his new shirt. It even has his name on it in case
he forgets who he is.
e) Lawler - for his moaning and jerking off during the Chyna
segment. That must make his girlfriend feel really special. His
copy of the magazine is probably all gummed together by now....
f) Steven Richards - for showing us his underwear (barf)
g) All those red-neck commercials featuring people with the IQ
of a slug. Ah can't wait to see a car that would fail
inspection in the East being driven on 2 wheels. Piss on
CNN...Ah'm watching The Dukes of Hazzard!
Good (?) Stuff:
1) Taker telling Austin, "One day...you and me...we'll both
have to go..." I'm sure that comes as a shock to Austin.
2) Jericho as Steve Corrino (ECW! ECW!)
3) Signs: "X-Suck" & "HBK did it"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the WWF world of everyone named Steve...except
Blackman)
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