FuckWad of the Week Award: October 2, 2000
RAW is....lackadaisical.
That's the first time I ever heard Austin use a word with more
than 6 letters, and I was so impressed, I just had to use it
too. It means "lacking interest" which is very appropriate when
used with the words "Steve Austin." Let's all make a sentence
using this big word! Ready?
Steve Austin is the most lackadaisical character in the WWF.
But even without him, the show still sucks (except for Taker).
Once again, "ston clod", as his loving fans refer to him, is
our FuckWad of the Week, sharing the honor with Billy Gunn.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't, Bill:
1) He doesn't look like Nicole Bass. YOU do (especially from
the back)
2) He doesn't have squinty little slit-eyes.
3) He doesn't have bleached and permed hair, which will
probably lead to baldness.
4) He wasn't "picked up at the airport by the Brooklyn
Brawler." Shame on you! Brwler is Patterson's boyfriend.
How many beers were thrown to Austin before he started missing
them and dropping them? Six? Eight? After 8 in a row, he
staggered out of the ring and stumbled up the ramp. Then he
supposedly left the arena, and I hope he wasn't driving...Also,
who is the Official Beer Thrower? I'm sure there's lots of kids
who want to grow up to have that important job.
MiniWads to...
a) The Rock & Steph - for ugliest shirts.
b) Jeff Hardy - for second ugliest shirt
c) Whoever decided that the first half-hour of the show had to
be all talk (mostly with people who can't talk!)
d) Benoit & Kane - for graduating from The Pat Patterson School
of Public Speaking.
e) Whoever cut to commercial break during Tazz & Raven's
entrances.
f) X-Pac - for being teamed with Tazz & Raven.
g) Bull Buchanan (aka Irving Buchanstien)- for the beanie on
his head.
Shalom! Happy New Year, Bull...
h) The Lita & Tackie (uh, Jackie) match (zzzzzzzzzz)
i) Whoever bleeped out the word "off" when Foley said "pissed
off."
j) Val - for wearing a dark tie with all white clothes. Where's
the white tie?
k) JR's line - "Is he alright my ass." Say what??
Slightly better stuff:
1) Rikishi sitting on Kane
2) Rock telling Benoit & Kane to go off together so Benoit can
show Kane his little penis. I bet Kane's is littler!
3) The Pep Boys commercial with the talking moose. (What's the
plural of "moose"? Meese?)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of lackadaisical
programming)
******************************************************
I can't guarantee one this week.....
Last night I was hanging out with Hector Olivera, talking about
pipe
organs (or as he puts it: "Pie Porgans") I got home in time to
catch the end of RAW...Rikishi?? WTF?? I think he's covering
for somebody else, myself. Anyway, my new career as a piano
tuner is getting in the way of watching WWF and/or playing
on-line. It looks like I might have to "choose" here........so
I choose (gasp) pianos!! (I know, I know....I suck)
Anyway, if I have time, I'll still write a WAD, but it probably
won't be weekly anymore. (But ya never know.......)
FuckWad of the Week Award: October 12,2000
(Smackdown)
Call me picky, but I always thought a "weekly" column should be
written weekly. Since I missed out on RAW (and from the looks
of it, I didn't miss much) I'll do this week's column on
Smackdown.
Looks like my fellow columnist at "Pass the Crayon" is more
observant than most. She knew that Edge & Christian were trying
to be "putties" (yes, those are supposed to be T's and *not*
S's......) And since she's brought up the whole old Power
Rangers thing, I think Steph would make a good Rita Repulsa.
I've been saying X-Pac stole his so called moves from the Power
Rangers for the last couple years. Chyna too. *hisssss*
No major FuckWad this week, unless I decide to make Steve
Austin the weekly recipient. In fact, I won't even give any
MiniWads out this week. I'll try to return to the old format
next week, but for now, I'd just like to make some
observations......
Is JR looking more and more like a pig each week, or am I
imagining it?
Was Austin *really* just sitting in the truck waiting to mow
down Rikishi...or was he sitting there pouting because viewers
are as interested in HIM as they are in Mae Young and her
shrivelled tits.
Did you notice when he tried to bully the Dancing Queens there
was dead silence when he punched Junior Lawler? Yes,
Steve-o...your fans have abandoned you. Even your biggest fan
in this town, the village idiot who always used to wear a
"3:16" shirt, along with those nifty suspenders, has been seen
lately wearing a NASCAR shirt!
And who the hell wrote Too Cool's dialogue? Does anyone
*really* talk like that?
Also...notice that Val has finally got himself a white tie
instead of a black one. But he STILL sucks...and he must be
doing a damn good job with it too, to be put in a main-event! I
never hear of anyone missing his old gimmick, either.
As for the missing Taker...all those "reliable" newsboards have
him re-injured,in the groin, in the hands and fingers, as well
as suffering from gall-stones (smirk....yeah, right) If anyone
who reads this has a lot of time on their hands, do me a favor
and send an email to one of those columnists. telling them you
have it on good authority that Taker has the Ebola virus...then
sit back and wait to see how long it takes them to report THAT!
Can WWF programming get much worse? I guess I'll have to force
myself to watch on Monday, and see.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of pig-faced men...)
FuckWad of the Week Award: October 16, 2000
The only good things I saw last night (and yes, I watched it
all) were: the clip of Taker at Universal Studios, and the
Dudleys getting a bigger pop than Austin. I also saw one good
sign: "Forget Chyna, Eddie....Marry ME!" The good thing about
it was, it was held up by a man.
I have several MiniWads to give out this week, and to make up
for last week's column, I'll go from "A" to "Z".
a) Eddie Gay-Rear-O: for being unable (or unwilling) to choose
between Chyna and Billy. Must be tough to decide between a
woman who looks like a man and a man who looks like a woman.
b) R-ugh-kishi: For his stumbling interview. Ever hear of
"practice"?
c) Prince Encephalitis (Albert): For his large head, that keeps
growing each week.
d) Bra-shaw: For his "Sabu" immitation, pointing skyward. And
here's another one for kissing Trish!
e) Steve-al Regal: For his "nothing says GAY like the color I'm
wearing" ring attire.
f) BenWuss: For *still* trying to talk, and for still being
afraid to see a dentist (DDS doesn't really stand for Dey Died
Screaming, ya know) Get that tooth replaced already! But I *do*
want to thank you for wearing a shirt.
g) Kane: For that oh-so-cool move in the ring, where he jumped
up in the air and landed flat on his back. Did he really expect
HHH to be laying there waiting?
h) Awwwwstin: For admitting that he has pictures of Rikishi all
over his house, even in the bathroom.
i) JR/pig-face: For marking out over Austin.
j) Billy Gunn: One little push from "behind" by Eddie, and
Billy rolled almost the whole way down the ramp...talk about
over-selling a move! Either that or he was excited about the
new Limp Bizkit cd and decided to "keep rollin', rollin',
rollin' rollin'..."
k) The Mini-GoldDusts/Putties/Whatever the fuck they're
supposed to be: Their costumes absolutely suck!
l) Mideon: I'm starting a clothing drive for him. Maybe the
people who do those weight-loss commercials (where they hold up
the size 80 pants they "used to" wear) can send those clothes
to the WWF (and be sure to mark them "For Mideon" or Steph
might think they're for her!)
m) Val Green-pus: For going back to the black tie. Maybe
Affirmative Action told him he had to have at least one
non-white item?
n) Kurt (Turd) Dangle: I never realized what a fat ass this guy
has. No wonder he's #1 contender...from the back he looks like
a McMahon!
o) Chris Fairy-Co: For the black & gold pants that he and Eddie
both wore. Now that we aren't seeing much of Bull & Bossman,
are these guys the new "Killer B's"?
p) X-Crap: Why all the tv exposure? This guy sucks!
q) Rikishi (again): For trying to run over Austin a second time
and MISSING!
r) Steph: For showing us more of her ugly cheap-ass wardrobe.
She looked like a shiny grape!
s) The stupid camera angles, that made her and HHH look like
they had 2 foot long hands (I haven't seen hands like that
since back in 1977, when I ingested the "4-way" windowpane
without sharing it with 3 other people and....never mind)
t) The idiotic commercials. If I see one more homosexual with a
fake British accent saying he's got "pop" I'll puke!
u) Lillian Garcia: She sucks as a ring announcer. Too bad Jerry
Garcia isn't still around. He'da made a great announcer!
v) All those itty-bitty refs. Isn't there any tall ones? Or do
they purposely use midgets to make the short wrestlers look
"big"? Maybe striped shirts only come in size "small"...
w) Austin again: For his Dean-Malenko voice, which is what
happens when he deprives his vocal chords of beer.
x) Austin yet again (did you think I'd only pick on him ONE
time?):
For his line, "I ain't doing none of that Lucha Libre crap!"
You "ain't" doing it because your fat ass doesn't know how!
y) The Rock: For his clothes, his eyebrow, his lame wrestling
moves. his boring catch-phrases....
z) That stupid "TNN" logo on the bottom of my tv screen!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of worthless people.....)
10-23-00
It's True...It's True...WWF has sunk to new
lows!
No, I didn't see last night's ppv, but I've heard and read
enough about it to feel able to comment on it. Turd Dangle: New
champ?
"No Mercy" should be re-named "Lawd hab Mercy!"
No, I don't think the Rock should've kept the belt.
But....Kurt? The guy looks like he's about 5'5". He has a
square head, no ears, and a fat ass. Well, okay, there's been
other "funny-looking" Title holders. Austin and Rock come to
mind, along with a few others. But how long has Kurt been there
compared to some of the other guys? He's had like every belt
plus winning KOTR (not that that means much, but still!)
Here's a match from last night that I'm oh-so-sorry to have
missed: Regal vs Mideon. And I hear Mideon stripped again.
(just thinking about it is making me queasy)
When will we see the WWF return to its' former glory? Or is
this the beginning of the end?
Well, just like viewing a hideous accident...(like the time the
runaway heavy equipment plowed into a couple of people and
there were severed limbs on the highway) regarding tonight's
RAW, I don't really want to see it. I know I'll be disgusted,
but I just HAVE to look!!
(Besides that, maybe Taker will return tonight)
*****************************************
The following is a public service announcement, created for no
special reason, except that I felt like it......
Ya know, I need to say it, even if it means pissing some people
off (wouldn't be the first time, huh?): The title is:
There's Something About Mrs. C.
Sadly, there's still people in denial about her existence. Yes,
she followed him around the tour of Universal Studios, and yes,
it's the same person that was photographed with him at the
Boxing match in...Vegas? (I'm no boxing fan, so I can't
remember) "But Cenny! It's just a coincidence that she'd be
photographed in both places...they don't even know each other!"
yeah...yeah.....
No, I'm not jealous. I think marriage is a wonderful thing, and
I'm happily married myself. But I feel the need to comment on
her appearance. Why? Well, why not?
1) The only people who look good with their hair dyed blonde
are those whose hair was blonde in the first place. How about a
nice dark auburn? And how about spending a little money and
going to a good salon (key word: good). Whatever products
you're using on your hair are wreaking all kinds of havoc.
(receeding hairline, dry brittle ends, etc) Here's a tip...if
you walk into a salon and smell chemicals, walk right out
again. If it smells like eucalyptus or something equally
nose-pleasing, you're in the right place. Now, look at your
stylist. If it's a gay man or a woman with beautiful hair,
you're on the right track. If it's a woman with a "Grand Ole
Opry" hairstyle, a mullet, or something equally horrible, go
elsewhere!
2)Now as far as cosmetics...only buy them from upscale
department stores. Your face will thank you. And remember,
tanning causes premature wrinkles. Not only that, but people
with tans look like George Hamilton...and why anyone would want
to look like George is beyond me!
3)One more thing: bare midriffs are ok for 5 year olds, 15 year
olds and a few 25 year olds. Anyone over 30 should be shot for
showing stomach skin, even if they're thin. Next time, consider
a black tunic top with a wide black leather belt over top.
It'll call attention to a small waist, but it won't say
"trailer park" like the bare skin does.
Back tomorrow with more fashion tips! Nah...just kidding. Back
tomorrow with a FuckWad of the Week column.
FuckWad of the Week Award: October 23, 2000
Looking back over almost a year and a half of FuckWads, I
realized Kurt was the winner only twice. So, in addition to his
3 "I's" he can now have 3 "F's".
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He doesn't cry. The only man I ever saw cry on tv more than
you was Michael Landon (and I'd cry too if I went from a cool
show like "Bonanza" to something cheesy like "Little House on
the Prarie"!)
2) He doesn't have a whiney-voiced skank accompaning him to the
ring (at least, not yet...)
3) He looks like a Heavyweight champion. You just look like a
box!
4) He worked hard for years to get where he is today, which is
as it should be. Of course, refusing to date JR or Patterson
might have something to do with it too...
Come get your FuckWad, Kurt, and quit that crying!
MiniWads to:
a) JR & King for their commentary early in the show.
JR: "Road Dogg will meet Benoit later."
King: "Bra & Panties!! Bra & Panties!!"
Ugh! Roadie's or Benoit's?
b) BenWaaah for his new, even uglier outfit.
c) MalenkHo for coming to the ring while Benoit had Dogg in the
"squish-yo-face" move. Why was Deano there? To make Benoit look
"tall"?
d) Kane for his tantrum after Jericho (I miss the tin-foil)
spilled coffee on him.
e) Re-Gall for his ring attire and snotty voice.
f) Steph McHam for the hideous hair style. It looked like a
tumbleweed balanced on her head. And that whiney voice...I'd
rather listen to a crying baby! On second thought, I don't
really want to listen to Angle.
g) Turd Dangle for his paper blizzard. Ah pitties da Foo who
had to clean it all up (*hisssss*)
h) Roley-Poley-Foley for telling Angle he had to defend his
belt in a triple-threat match. Hmmmmm, would that be against
HHH and Rock? It is?? I'm psychic! Call me now at the Psychic
Hotline...only $10 per minute.
i) Chyna for kicking the 2 Ho's asses. Why, Chy? They did you a
favor and this is how you show gratitude?
j) Rikishi for both opening and closing the show. I thought
only McMahons could do that. Well, with that ass, I guess he's
a McMahon. I noticed a wedding ring too. There's a Mrs.
Rikishi??
k) Austin for doing his famous "end of the show run-in"
consisting of a stunner followed by several beers.
Good Stuff:
1) Signs: (Tooth shaped sign) "Hey Chris, lose something?" &
The "Mr. Ass" sign held up by a male midget. (Malenko's
brother?)
2) Ivory joining the RTC. She looks the part and is the only
woman in the WWF with a normal sounding voice.
3) Tazz and Raven actually winning a match for a change
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of box-shaped belt holders)
10/27/00
I Scream, You scream, We all scream but I'm
smarter......
I've been a little surprised at the reasoning of some
Undertaker fans lately. They get upset when people (like me)
say that his wife is ugly. These very same people, who think a
"true" fan must have nothing but good things to say about
everything in Taker's life are the same ones that think it's
"icky" that he chews tobacco. It's Beechnut Wintergreen, not
Red Man! He might not have good taste in women, but he's got
good taste in chew.
So let me get this straight.....
I thought I was a Stephen King fan, having read and enjoyed
most of his books. I read a couple of his wife's so-called
novels and thought they were awful. So I guess I can't call
myself a Stephen King fan anymore.
I always liked the Beatles, and thought John Lennon did the
best solo stuff, so it would make sense to call myself a Lennon
fan. I loathed and detested Yoko Ono. I considered her a
talentless ugly little monkey-type person. So, I guess I can't
be a John Lennon fan anymore.
I thought Carter was a decent president, all things considered.
But I thought his daughter Amy was ugly and his brother Billy
was a disgrace. So I guess I can't like Jimmy any more.
I've always been an Eastwood fan, but when he was hooked up
with Sondra Locke I said "Ewwwwww!" So I guess I can't like
Clint anymore.
What about Sonny and Cher? She was the talented one in that
duo, not him. But I guess by making fun of Sonny, I can't
admire Cher's singing voice or her acting ability anymore.
Some people ask, "Why are looks important?" Well, would those
very same people drool over Undertaker if he were 5'5", 300
pounds, sporting straggly Bozo-the-Clown/Hulk Hogan hair,
rotten teeth and an enormous nose? Ooops, I just described some
of their husbands! No wonder they can't find humor in anything.
FuckWad of the Week Award: October 30, 2000
Reply
The internet shmuks were right! Taker came back with a new
gimmick: The knitted cap gimmick. Those things have been around
forever, but everytime I see one, I think of Heather from The
Blair Witch and her snot-spewing camera close-ups. Now a
close-up of Taker (minus the snot) would've been nice...
I have many MiniWads to mandate:
a) Chyna: For announcing, "Eddie, I'm over you." (yeah, by
about 6 inches) and "Thith ith the biggetht challengeth in
life." (finding clothes that fit?)
b) Miss Kitty aka The Kat aka Lawler's wife who's young enough
to be his daughter: For dressing like Chyna and coming out with
Eddie. Well, at least she's closer to his height than Big Chy.
c) Billy Gunn: He's the real Slim Shady! Also, he looks more
like The Grinch than Jim Carey does.
d) Kurt Angle: For looking like Tim Conway
e) Artie See (RTC): For still not going away. And now that
Ivory joined (and is the only one with any mic skills) they'll
never go away!
f) The guy in the audience during the Pee Wee Holly/Tin-foil
Test match wearing the Egyptian head cover. He looked like Yul
Brynner in The 10 Commandments ("Mo-Zez...")
g) Snot drippin' Slime suckin' Steph: Was she *really* sick?
h) Austin: Up and about only hours after his frontal lobotomy!
i) Rikishi: For being "accent confused." One night he talks
like Faarooq, the next night he talks like an "Islander". Sort
of like Dan Severn, who talked in his high lispy faggot voice
one night, and an Irish accent the following night.
j) Foley: For appointing Dumb-bra as his Lt. Commish. Just
don't let her talk...please!!!
k) HHH: For not letting Edge and Christian have their birthday
party.
l) JR: For bellowing "The carnage!! The carnage!!" Well, it's
still better than hearing him with an Au(stin)gasm: "Stone
Cold!! Stone Cold!!"
m) Rock: For being involved in the Thumb Head Hit & Run and
screwing it up.
Good stuff:
1) Taker's return and his line to Regal: "Ah think yew talk
funny."
2) Christian to Edge: "You were so totally born today!"
3) The footage from Smackdown showing Austin get whacked on the
head with a wrench. Didn't that make an ear-pleasing sound?
4) No more "Mr. Ass." Does that include the cheesy theme music,
too?
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of people who talk funny...)
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