It's been too long since the Genetic Embarassment was honored
with a FuckWad, so put another coat of Armor-All on your hair,
Vince. You're this week's winner!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) His hair isn't water repellant
2) He'd never let Austin grab the mic away from him.
3) He doesn't dress like a used-car salesman.
4) He'd be safe walking through the woods right now. (Go ahead,
compare a picture of a turkey to Vince. Can you tell the
difference? I can't)
The only good thing you did was to take your whiney-ass
daughter with you when you left the show. Now can you please
keep her off the show? And keep the Political speeches off the
show, too. I've been voting for 20 years and YOU had nothing to
do with it!
MiniWads to:
a) Steph: Just when I thought her clothes couldn't get any
uglier, she proved that yes, they can!
b) Trish: For wearing pants made from Reynolds Wrap. Throw her
on the grill! Wait...doesn't melting plastic give off toxic
fumes?
c) Too Gay: For their new tune. They still suck, especially now
that Rikishi isn't a part of their act anymore.
d) The Skankicles: For all coming out together. One at a time
is tolerable (barely), but to see a whole group of unattractive
midgets, walking down the ramp on stubby legs and tiny feet is
just too much!
e) Billy Gee: Sounds too much like "Billy Jean" to me. Can we
expect to see Michael Jackson with him next week?
f) Pork-Father: For gaining even more weight! Looks like he'll
be a guest at the fat farm soon.
g) King Hog-ler: For competing. Why does his body remind me of
a kidney bean? Why does he wear spandex? And why did he
announce that he was NOT voting for Gore? (Why am I not
surprised?) Way to go, asshole! Now, all the sheeple that
registered just because the WWF told them to and have no fuckin
clue who to vote for, will listen to you.
h) JR: For telling Tazz, "I don't know why you're here." Well,
I don't know why YOU'RE here, JR. You constantly fuck up your
lines and can't be impartial. Most of us don't give a shit
about Austin OR your BBQ sauce!
i) Al Snow: For helping Lawler in the ring.
j) Day-Bra: For being shown in Noo YoWuk. Why must she talk??
k) Rikishi: For his Hannibal Lector mask
l) Road Dogg: For his hairstyle...weirder than usual.
Good Stuff:
1) Taker paying tribute to Yokozuna by wearing a Yoko shirt.
Notice how the announcers ignored that? (And nobody else did
it?)
2) The huge roar of the crowd during his entrance and when he
left.
(Was Austin's or Rock's pop that loud? No!)
3) Pee Wee Holly's "sister". She showed some actual ability in
the ring and she kicked Trish's ass. I like her already.
4) Seeing Kane with his new mask...the steel step mask!
5) Seeing Austin busted open.
6) Seeing Rock flattened backstage
7) Hearing JR shit himself over that "bully" HHH, beating up on
JR's girlfriend, Steve. (Good job, HHH, but what's with the
single black glove?)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the announcers)
And if you read this column, it proves you're a thinking person so getout there and vote!
FuckWad of the Week Award: November 13, 2000
RAW is dWARf
Seems like all the "little people" were on this week's show:
Angle; Radicals; Crash Holly; the refs....
And *no* McMahons! I'm shocked.
This week's FuckWad Award is presented to 2 men who haven't
graced our tv screens in a long time: Bob (I'm a-scared of
dentists) Holly and Tiger Ali Singh (aka Irving Goldstien)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU two don't:
1) The crowd went nuts when he returned from his long absence.
2) He came back with a different look.
3) He doesn't wear a towel on his head.
4) He doesn't have a midget look-a-like "cousin".
Tiger Ali Suck: I'll give you 500 American dollars if you go
away.
Bob ("I've-got-a-bigger-overbite-than-the-Simpsons")Holly:
Weren't you one of the Eminem clones at the MTV video awards?
Both of you, take your awards and go away! (Far away)
MiniWads to:
a) Kurt (got-no-ears) Angle: for his line, "I am whoever I say
I am." Another Eminem wannabe! Maybe Brisco could be persuaded
to donate part of his excess ears to you? Also, notice that Pee
Wee Holly is the same height as Kurt? I didn't know midgets
could hold "the" belt.
b) Test & Albert: for their "ApA" shirts. A Pair of Assholes?
c) Kane: for forgetting his lifts. Test was taller then him in
the ring. Also, for poor sportsmanship. Throwing poor little
Jericho through the glass was uncalled for!
d) The U.V.C.'s (Unattractive Vertically Challenged): We had to
sit through their horrible mic-work, but at least Foley came
out and interrupted just when Drano Malenko started gargling on
the mic.
e) Whoever was in charge of the ventilation system at that
arena: Looked like the fog was rolling in on the former ECW
guys. The crowd missed out on one of the best matches of the
night. Can't we do the fog-thing when a McMahon or Austin comes
out? Well, whaddaya expect for Ohio? (Yes, I grew up in
Cleveland...)
f) The "One" Billy Gunn: Good thing there's only one! New look,
new music, same ugly shorts with fuckin' lips on them. (ugh)
g) DayBra: For tawkin' back-stayuj with the Hayardees and
Lite-a. Her accent makes Matt & Jeff sound like they're from
the North!
h) AwwStain: he looked hung-over and sounded different too. Not
enough beers? Too many, maybe? He said, "Something ain't
right." Yeah...you!
i) Valerie the No-Humor man: for interference in the "Artie
See" match.
j) The Hardlees and Lita: for the matching shirts. And why does
Jeff's always rip into shreds? Oh...a public service
announcement about anorexia.
k) O-Kay O'Krush: The "Rappin Restler"/"Wrappin Wrestler". So
he's Roadie's new "partner" (hyar). Maybe he can teach the
white boy some rhythem.
l) The last match: so predictable! The lone woman gets beat on
by the opponents. Austin wanders around outside of the ring,
flipping off Saturn. For how little he did, he still HAD to be
the one to do the pinning in the ring, just so he could get his
hand raised by the ref. Then it was beer time...zzzzzzzz.
m) Rikishi: So now his gimmick is "fat gangsta"? Can we call
him Biggy Smalls? (or Biggy SmElls)
n) Rockstin: It's getting harder all the time to tell him apart
from Austin.
o) HHH: For missing the target again! Shit, he could've run
over Rock the "right" way.
Good Stuff:
1) Taker cleaning out the ring. Too many blondes in there...
2) Taker's ring attire. At least he doesn't wear the same stuff
all the time, like *some* people (cough - Austin)
3) Jericho & Blackman showing that quick little guys are better
than big slow ones.
4) Sign (held up while Benoit was talking): "What are you
talking a-boot?"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of midgets...)
And hoping "Snot-Diver Series" will end with a *real* man
getting the belt!
FuckWad of the Week Award: November 20, 2000
11/20/00
Another SnotDiver Series has come and gone. I didn't see it,
but I read about it and saw screen caps. Where? If you work for
the WWF, the answer is: None of your fuckin' business. If you
*don't* work for the WWF, you probably already know of at least
one site that so thoughtfully provides these pictures for our
viewing pleasure.
There's nothing more to say concerning Taker's screw-job at the
pudgy little hands of Kryin' Kurt and his ugly brother. The
Angle brothers deserve a huge FuckWad for both the ppv and this
week's RAW. (Although it was nice to see Taker get revenge on
the Block-head brothers) It was also nice to see him back to
normal, clothes-wise. Those beige ugly-ass pants he wore at the
ppv just didn't look right on him.
I've got a slightly different format this week, just to take-r
a break from the same old same old. With Thanksgiving just a
couple days away, everybody knows that old song, "Over the
River and Through the Woods (to Grandmother's House We Go)". If
you don't know it, just ask anybody over 30 to sing it to
you...
Under the ring and through the ropes
the Angle brothers go.
They got no ears
They both are queers
Kurt is Vince's Ho (oh)
Under the ring and through the ropes
Kurt's actions really blow
He uses his kin
to get the pin
because he's Vince's Ho.
MiniWads this week for...
a) ShitPhoney: for opening the show with a long, whiney
monologue. "We've been trying to have a baby." So, she's been
at the stockyards being artificially inseminated along with the
other heifers? If HHH had really been in that car the whole
time, Steph would be known as "The Fatty married to the Flatty"
(thanks, Nate!)
b) Earl the Ref: For insisting he couldn't do the count because
"it wasn't Angle." Ah...but it WAS Angle, it just wasn't KURT
Angle, so it should still count!
c) Rikishi: for his new, uh, king-sized bedspread he wore to
the ring.
d) JR: For his weekly announcing fuck-up, calling Jericho
"Benoit", getting confused because they're both named "Chris".
Hmmmm, an honest mistake. Kind of like calling Taker "Mark
Henry" because they both have the same first name.
e) Road Dogg: For his new 'do. It reminded me of one of my
dog's chew toys.
f) Billy (the "one") Gunn: For the gold shorts. Lose the lips
already! Better yet, cut them out and glue them to your face to
make up for your own lack of lips.
Trash Skankus: For interfering in the Ivory/Molly match.
Good (or otherwise entertaining) stuff:
1) When Taker's shirt flap flew up and covered his face (and he
didn't even hesitate to keep going, even though he couldn't
see!)
2) Austin's comments to Steph. I never thought I'd see the day
when I actually liked something he had to say.
3) Benoit's comments to Austin, about not having any wrestling
moves. I don't like him either, but it was a good line.
4) Signs: "Hell yeah, HHH is dead" and "Benoit: Toothless &
Brainless"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of bad Angles, especially
Kurt and Eric!)
FuckWad of the Week Award: November 27, 2000
I've decided to give Kurt Angle his very own weekly FuckWad.
I'd also like to invite him to next year's annual tattoo
convention in his hometown of Pittsburgh. (Halloween weekend,
Kurt!) Seems like he gets a stiffy out of acting like an
asshole around big, inked men. So here's an opportunity for him
to take on a couple hundred big, inked men. I'm sure the 90% of
attendees who like and respect Undertaker would *love* to meet
Kurt! Maybe he could even invite them all over to his house for
dinner?
Kurt wants Kane to kome over for Kristmas.....how sweet (gag)
I saw one good sign on last night's show: "Taco Bell gave me
Latino Heat" Ok, so it wasn't that good, but it reminded me of
visits from everyone's friend "Bernie Asshole" the day after
eating at a Mexican restaraunt. And speaking of Assholes...this
FuckWad of the Week award is presented to Kane.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) His character has gone through a few modifications, but
Undertaker has been a huge part of the WWF for the past 10
years. Kan we say that about Kane? If he lasts for 10 years as
Kane (or as any other lame-ass character) pigs will fly and
chickens will grow lips!
2) He's not only kept his intelligent and dedicated fans, he's
made new ones. Kan we say that about Kane?
3) He's had a wide variety of ring attire, most of which looked
good on him (even the Ministry robe). You're still in red &
black (checkers, anyone?)
4) When UT is shown backstage, enroute to the ring, we see him
jabbing and sparring, not just plodding along bumping into
things, like you.
(one more)
5) If Taker opened a Family Fitness center, there'd be a 2 year
waiting list just to join. How's *your* business?
Now take your FuckWad award and hit the road! You've already
been manipulated by 2 men (Chyna and Tori) and 2 women (X-Pac
and Kurt)
MiniWads to:
a) Al Snow: for shaving off his facial hair.
b) Austin: for thinking a couple of simple holds that most KIDS
can do make him a "technical" wrestler.
c) JR: for perpetuating the above myth
d) The Doof-eye (plural of "doofus"): that do the booking. They
heard us complain because the title-holder couldn't wrestle.
They scratch their balding heads in confusion and say this:
"But we thought the fans want a champ that actually knows how
to wrestle so we gave them Kurt Angle and they're *still*
complaining!"
e) HHH: for forgetting to stop at a bathroom and pee before
entering the ring
f) Edge & Christian: for hanging out with Angle
g) Malenk-Ho: for trying to hit on Lita. Looks like he's
suffering from lawler-itis, going after a woman young enough to
be his daughter!
h) Foley: for passing up a great opportunity to shove Sock-O
down Kurt's throat. You'd think Kurt would be tired of having
something else jammed down his throat. What? Here's a hint: it
rhymes with "sick" and is attached to a man whose name rhymes
with "rinse".
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the Big Red Lummox) Back to FuckWads Archives
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