It's about time RAW started the *right* way. I was expecting
the usual 20 minute snore-alogue, but they saved that till the
end. We were deprived of the rope walk though, thanks to Turd
Dangle. Wonder what kind of damage Kurt thinks he can inflict,
kicking Taker with his child-sized foot?
The earless, square-headed midget receives his usual weekly
FuckWad along with MiniWads to the following:
a) DayBra: for the camera close-up of those old wrinkled hands.
I thought I saw a few liver spots hiding in the wrinkles, too.
b) Har-har-deez: for removing their shirts in the ring to the
squealing delight of the 10-year-old girls in the arena.
c) Roadie & K-Kwik(Krush? Krunch? whatever): for looking like 2
of the "Little Rascals." Tell me "K" doesn't remind us of
"Buckwheat"! And Roadie can be "Spanky" (uh, "Skanky" maybe?)
d) Drano MalenkHo: If his head was any bigger, he'd topple
over. Think of the strain on his neck, carrying that
Wight-sized head around all day.
e) Benwuss & HardSnore Holly: for their not-so-subtle message
from The American Dental Association. See kids...this is what
happens when you don't floss. You get periodontal disease,
resulting in tooth loss. OR, when you have an extreme over-bite
and your parents won't get you braces, you grow up to look like
Bob Holly. Scary, isn't it?
f) King & JR: for being so pro-republican. They constantly
dissed Gore, so they should've given equal diss-time to Bush.
(*hisss*)
g) Vince: for the close-up of his profile. Gobble, gobble,
turkey-man! And didn't his hair look like it was made of
plastic?
h) Kevin Kelley: for being another very strange looking man
(and I use the term "man" very lightly)
i) Rock: for the lame immitations of his 5 ppv opponents
j) Kane: for his inability to leave Jericho alone.
k) Chyna: is it my imagination, or is her chest growing again?
l) "The one" Billy Gunn: He's "the one" who looks most like a
Dr. Seuss character.
m) RTC: I think Vince has made his point. Now can we find new
gimmicks for these people? (or get rid of them)
n) Dudleys: for dressing like "Artie See" members.
o) Vince (again): for telling Rock, "You're the most
intelligent of all the superstars." So, is that why Rock
repeats the same catch phrases each week?
p) ReekGall: for bullying those little Hollys
q) The re-make of "Sweet Home Alabama". It sucks!
r) HHH & Rikishi & Angle: for attacking Taker backstage. (Who
gives a shit about Rock & Austin?) Want a horrible visual?
Picture a man with Angle's height, ears, and head-shape. Now
attach a HHH nose and Rikishi's ass. Now picture him naked.
(barf...)
s) Austin: for no special reason, but I couldn't leave him out!
Good Stuff:
1) Taker giving Vince the "last ride", although it's too bad he
had to do it *after* Rock and Austin.
2) Taker spitting on Vince's jacket. If he spit on Vince's
hair, it would've slid right off. (the spit....not the hair)
3) Foley's rebuttal to Vince
4) Edge & Christain making fun of Buckwheat & Spanky.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of 6-man ppv main event
matches. What's next, 8-man Hell in a Cell?)
FuckWad of the Week Award: December 11, 2000
RAW is: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (aka A break from the
usual format)
The Good:
1) Taker's backstage speech
2) Signs: "Kurt - You better watch out. You better not cry."
and
"You're a mean one, Mr. Vince"
3) Edge calling Rock "Freddy McFriendless"
4) The return of the Acolytes
5) Al Snow & Raven's Hardcore match
6) The music for the Armageddon ad
7) Seeing Vince get the Mandible Claw
8) Mick tearing up his resignation (I still think he should've
stuck it up Vince's ass...)
9) Female "EMT"'s that look like real ones (and not like BB)
The Bad:
1) Taker's brief appearance backstage being the only appearance
of the night
2) Hearing Patterson talk: "Do you dink Mig Foley will rezine
donight?"
3) Vince trting to make Foley resign ("I wouldn't do dat
dink!")
4) JR & King talking about Rikishi and Lawler's annoying voice:
"Ruptured spleen!! Ruptured spleen!!" Meanwhile, the average
fan watching at home scratches his balding head and says:
"Ain't the spleen part of the shoulder?"
I'm surprised Rikishi didn't just bounce out of the truck.
Seriously, I admire him for being able to climb to the top of
the cell in the first place. Think it's easy? Try climbing a
chain-link fence. Now try climbing it with 200 pounds strapped
on your ass.
5) The clean-shaven Al Snow. Grow it back, Al! You look like
you should join the RTC.
6) Chyna on the mic: "It'th thafe to thay thome people don't
like the way I dreth or undreth..."
7) The woman at WWF N.Y. (with the penciled on eyebrows)who
said Taker should retire. That proved what I've always
suspected...
No eyebrows = No brains.
8) Lawler bringing out the XFL Cheerleaders. So that's where
Godfather's Ho's went!
9) Vince constantly referring to "mickfoley" and his fat ass.
Vince and family must not have any rear-view mirrors.
10) Austin coming out at the end to deliver "stunners". I'm
sure "mickfoley" could have handled it fine on his own.
11) JR marking out at the end ( and calling RAW "Smackdown")
The Ugly:
1) Kurt Angle with his Band-ade covered head
2) The Rock's shirt
3) Billy's shiny mauve shorts (What? No lips?)
4) Lawler in spandex (Lawler in anything)
5) Close-ups of Vinnie's face. I'm still trying to decide if he
looks more like a turkey or a lizard
6) Regal's facial expressions
7) The palm tree on top of Road Dogg's head
Cenny
FuckWad of the Week award: December 18, 2000
RAW is....live from the Bi-Lo Center! Where I live, Bi-Lo is a
grocery store. They're having a special this week on no-talent,
so-called wrestlers: Buy one/Get one free.
Once again taking a break from the usual format, I present to
you questions regarding this week's RAW. But first, I need to
award Kurt his weekly FuckWad, along with one for Vince (the
turkey-lizard look-a-like)
1) How does Vince manage to keep dye on his plastic hair?
2) Why were we tortured with the McMahon Family Photo Album?
3) Why did this video horror segue into audio torture with the
arrival of Steph (in her Klassic K-Mart Klothes)?
4) Why do flabby women wear short, tight skirts and sleeveless
tops?
5) If someone in her early 20's looks like that *now*...what
will she look like in 20 more years?
6) Why are Kurt's ears so low on his head, and why haven't they
grown since his birth?
7) When will Jeff Hardy's weight go above 100 pounds and why
does he wear ugly tops that call attention to his anorexic
body?
8) Why does he have white in his shoes and belt? Throw in a
green leisure suit and he'd have a "full Cleveland."
9) Why does Debra always touch the side of her hair? Checking
to see if the extensions are still there?
10) Why are the Dudleys being punished by being paired with
"The Nun: Billy Gunn"?
11) Why was there a sign in the front row that read: "Boobs"?
12) Why does People magazine publish a "Dorkiest People of the
Year" issue and who would buy it?
13) Why did Vince slap Mick backstage? I thought only gay men
and Englishmen "slapped" each other.
14) Why does Saturn wear those ugly knee-pads and why is Saturn
so ugly?
15) Why did the "little people" all attack Jericho? Yeah, he's
little too, but at least he has a neck and his head is in
proportion to his body. (I just answered my own question)
16) Why did Trish suck-up to Vince? (Art immitating life?)
17) Why did Regal get new ink on his lower arm and why is it so
small?
18) Why does Austin waste beer?
19) Why did Vince fire Mickfoley?
20) Who thought Steph would align herself with "Dad"? (Don't
all raise your hands at once. We only get 5 minutes of sun
every 10 days this time of year and you might block it out!)
21) Is Jackie the third Acolyte? As long as she keeps kicking
Trish's ass, I don't mind.
Enough questions...time for comments:
Rock and Taker, Tag team champs? Well, at least Taker did a
great job in the ring, walking the top rope, dominating Edge &
Christian (mostly at the same time), etc.
It's that time of year for "Best of/Worst of" columns. My vote
for the best weekly column (besides this one) is "The Limey
Bastard" over at wrestlingsucks. The Lime possesses 4 things
90% of other weekly columnists don't:
1) originality
2) humor
3) heavy use of crude comments and subject matter
4) good spelling skills
My vote for worst weekly column is any written by 16 year-olds
who like to constantly point out that they're experts when it
comes to wrestling because, "I've been watching for 10 years."
I don't know about the reast of you, but *I* am impressed
(barf)
So, until next time, keep the tree watered, hang that stocking,
spin the dreidel, and light the menorrah, but above all, enjoy
your holiday.
Cenny
(Hoping to award some major FuckWads soon....when's Big Show
coming back?) The 2000 FuckWad Review
I wasn't going to do a year-end column because there's so many
out there, but since I have a little free time right now, I
decided to "throw one up"... (urrrrrp, barf) There's good
things that happened in the WWF this year too:
1) Tazz debuts at The Royal Rumble.
2) The Dudleys prove that silicon *can* break wood as they put
the first of many bimbi through a table.
3) Cactus Jack returns.
4) Bradshaw and Faarooq start the ApA.
5) HHH & Cactus Jack do Hell-in-a-Cell.
6) Lita arrives on tv.
7) Albert starts wearing a shirt.
8) Backlash features a cool promo with a sling blade (and Carl
says: "mmmmmm, ah love them french-frah'd taters.")
9) Undertaker returns at Judgement Day.
10) HBK returns, briefly.
11) Little Joe C makes a guest appearance.
12) We celebrate one year of FuckWads in June.
13) Taker chews on tv (gasp!)
14) Sales of Beech-Nut Wintergreen go up
15) Foley becomes the new commissioner.
16) Taker unmasks Kane at SummerSlam, and decorates his ride
with what's left of the mask, the following night.
17) "I'm still down with the devil and I will go medieval on
your ass."
18) Raven returns to WWF
19) Taker pays tribute to Yokozuna by wearing a Yoko shirt on
RAW.
Year end FuckWads to......
1) Paul Bearer for returning in February with Kane.
2) Little men with big heads and no necks (aka The Radicalz)for
invading the WWF
3) JR for causing mental anguish to those cute little sharp
toothed, long-clawed animals, by calling Ben-waaaah a
"wolverine".
4) Mae Young for hundreds of "lost" condoms (some dating back
to 1940!), coming out in one big hand-shaped clump.
5) Bull Buchanan for showing us the result of an Austin/Bossman
child.
6) Wrestlemania for 12 hours (and $50) of mostly lame
programming that we've all seen before.
7) Austin for his brief return, fat and out of shape, but
*still* able to give JR major wood.
8) Pat Patterson for his stained underwear ("I wouldn't do dat
dink!")
9) Turd Dangle for winning Queen of the Ring.
10)The RTC for *still* being around, 5 months after they
debuted.
11)Kane for *trying* to ride Taker's bike
12)Mideon for his lack of clothes
13) WWF for moving from the USA network to TNN (y'all got pop?)
14) Rikishi for saying he ran over Austin and he did it for the
Rock
15) Billy for leaving Mr. Ass "behind" and becoming "The Nun:
Billy Gunn"
16) RoadDogg for getting a new love interest (K-Kwikee)and
trying to rap
17)Lawler for still trying to compete (and wearing spandex)
18) The McMahons for too much air time and yet another "family
saga" that nobody wants to see.
Cenny
FuckWad of the Week Award: December 25, 2000
RAW is Rednecks And Whales (and that was just the audience)
I'll begin the FuckWads with the Ho (Ho Ho), Steph, for opening
the show. I guess Santa didn't bring her a voice coach and some
flab-concealing clothes for Christmas. Too bad...
Edge & Christian get awards for their fugly hats. And did you
notice that Steph is bigger around than Edge?
What's worse than Angle? Several Angles! FuckWads to the entire
inbred, box-shaped clan. JR made sense (for once) with his
line, "Get the barf bag!" I think Taka & Funaki should've sang
instead. "Lalking in a Linter Londerrand" would've sounded
better. Christian gets an award for having hiz kazoo too cloze
to the mic - although that was probably a good thing.
Thankfully, they were interrupted by Jericho and his funny
insults. This was followed by a crowd shot of a huge mongoloid
holding a sign: "I Want Wood" (entertainment at it's finest!)
More awards for short men with no necks - Benwaah & Malenkho.
Dean-o deserves a second award for wearing those Kane panties.
The costume department must've got a good deal on black
material with little red flame patterns. Their opponents, the
Har-har-D's get awards too. Matt, for his new 'do and Jeff for
wearing another sheer shirt that shrinks before our very eyes.
He's the only anorexic Southern boy I've ever seen. He needs
deep-fried bacon and he needs it now!
My Xmas dinner was threatening to make a comeback, so I left
the room for awhile. I returned to see...Ston Clod & Little
Mikey. Ewwww, I came back too soon!
Big-Overbite Holly vs Raven vs Blackman for the Hardcore belt.
No awards here, except for B.O. Holly.
I saw "How the GUNN-Rinch Stole Christmas" a few nights ago.
Everybody in the movie looked like Billy Gunn and they all had
"Edge" teeth. I high-ly recommend this movie, but twist a few
up before you go. It'll get you through the cheesy
"little-girl-singing" parts. They showed a trailer for "Mummy
II" before the movie.. I saw the Rock (zzzz) and some little
kids in the theatre started crying at the skeletons. (No, Jeff
Hardy is *not* in this movie)
Ah, here comes Mr. Reek-Gall. I don't remember seeing him at my
house, so how did he know what went on there? All the menfolk
is fond of burping after a good feed. But being high-class
hicks, we don't fart at the table. (Only if the dog is there,
so we can blame him. I think he's on to us, though) In some
cultures, loiud belching after a meal is a sign of respect to
the host. Ask any WWII vet (if you can find one who's still
alive) that served in North Africa.
FuckWads for our 2 competitors, Kane & Austin. The 600 pound
woman in the front row (wearing red...oy!) talked to her
companion throughout the match. I'm shocked. You'd think she'd
be either of these men's biggest fan.
JR gets a 'Wad here for getting all indignant when Regal grabs
a chair and tries to hit Austin. But when Austin uses the chair
on Regal (and Kane) that's just swell and dandy with JR
(*hisss*)
A great Taker/Little Mikey interview follows. Shitty things
always follow good things, so we see the Kat segment next. I'm
sure Lawler couldn't wait to get home...and put on that outfit
himself.
Once again, I was distracted by my family, so I missed the
whole Vince/Trish/Steph thing. (Thank you, family!) Trish as
the new Mrs. McHam? Naaah, too predictable. Well, I don't have
to see it to make fun of it.
Test & Bert vs The Dancing Queens. Awards for all! The crowd
chants, "Worm! Worm!" They really want to see that pointless
move! Why??
Next up, Jericho & Dudleys vs the Born Again Draftsman
(Angle/Edge/Christian) Fire up the grill! Jericho's got his
foil shirt on. But throw some Angles on the fire instead.
FuckWads to the inbred Angle family! Attack of the box-people.
Ewwww. I forgot to look at their ears. Do they have any? Or is
it just Kurt that got shortchanged? Well, at least one Angle
got wood.
Now we see Bull & GUT Father vs ApA (along with Jackie, falling
out of her top. Why doesn't she fall on her face whenever she
stands up?) FuckWads to all of Artie-See!
Ugh, a fake interview with JR & Chyna. She didn't lithp ath
much ath uthual. God, JR's a blimp! Look...Chyna hath a pieth
of hair thtuck to the corner of her eye. Everytime she blinkth,
the pieth of hair bobth up and down. Lookth like she moved it
out of the way when the camera wath on fat-tho Roth.
Ewww, a Rock & Mr. Mole segment (zzzz)
They saved the best for last. Good thing, or I'da been asleep
by now.
Ref: "What are you doing?"
Taker: "I'm kicking his ass. Whaddaya THINK I'm doing?"
Taker has a kleenex sticking out of his back pocket. He also
looks a little pink. Where'd he find sun at this time of year?
Not where I live! Interesting Bow & Arrow submission hold. Then
Fatkishi has to come down and ruin everything. His outfit would
provide enough material to cover several rooms of furniture and
have enough left over for matching curtains. Here's a FuckWad
for Biggy Smells, the Samoan gangsta.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of fat people wearing red...)
Better hide the BeechNut, Taker...
The nicotene nazis are at it again! Does anyone find it ironic
that the very people who would jeer the PTC for trying to
"decide for me" think it's within their rights to tell adults
who choose to use tobacco products that it's *not* ok? The only
non-tobacco user that has any right to say that is one whose
personal health habits are perfect in every way. So that
excludes the following:
1) anyone who drinks alcohol, coffee, tea or soda
2) anyone who smokes reefer
3) anyone who uses any drugs at all (including Prozac, diet
pills, or any of those New Age, feel-good, untested products
like St. John's Wort)
4) anyone whose diet includes unhealthful amounts of saturated
fat and sodium
5) anyone who is overweight
6) anyone who doesn't visit doctors and dentists on a reagular
basis
In other words....
all people, since everyone falls into at least one of the above
categories. There's a small, but special, group of adults that
decide what's right for THEMSELVES but never try to decide
what's right for OTHERS. I have great respect for them. The
real heros are the ones who smoked 2 packs a day for 40 years
and one day they just quit. BUT...they never ever get preachy
with those of us who have no desire to quit smoking. I love you
guys! Then there's the ones who paid by enduring chemo and
learning how to talk with an artificial voice-box or half a
tongue and THEY don't preach about "evil tobacco" to anybody.
Those people are truly special.
As far as the rest of them, all I can say is Fuck Off. When I'm
dying from lung cancer, and Taker has half his face surgically
removed, then you can say "I told you so!" That is, if you're
not already dead from heart disease or cancer due to your own
health choices. So grab another Big Mac, suck down another
Pepsi, Budweiser or Starbucks, twist up another doobie, or
swallow another handful of pills. Some of us have no desire to
be the Healthiest Corpse in the cemetary!
Linda *was* the only McMahon I liked....
until she turned into Hillary Clinton.
Vince has an interview in an upcoming issue of "Playboy". In
it, he claims he's been faithful to his wife...for the last 6
years. Uh, what about the other 25 or so years? And why would
Linda just sit by and put up with it? I asked myself the same
thing about Hillary when all the Bill-dirt was everywhere in
the media. Why would any woman put up with that, but
especially, why would a well-educated woman who could easily
support herself put up with it? Does the title mean more than
her self-respect? Is being MRS. Clinton or MRS. McMahon soooo
important that these women are willing to be emotionaly hurt
and publicly humiliated just to keep that title? They aren't
the first celebrities to be in this situation, and they won't
be the last. It nauseates me to hear that either of them are
roll models. Roll models for WHO? Dysfunctional people?
(*hissss*)
I award a special FuckWad to Linda (and one to Hillary). The
husbands are scumbags and the wives are idiots to look the
other way and stay in their comfortable, prestigious lives,
rather than make their own lives and maintain their dignity and Back to FuckWads Archives
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