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Cenny's FUCKWAD of the Week awards
January 2001-
FuckWad of the Week Award: O1-O1-O1
I have to wait 13 months before I can do that again (O2-O2-O2)
and by *then*, I probably won't even be watching RAW
anymore....but ya never know. I might keep watching just to
catch a glimpse of "shirtless-Taker" again!
RAW was like walking through an art-gallery. You pass through
what seems like acres of crap, until you round a corner and
come face to face with a magnificent work of art that just
takes your breath away.
I thought it was a newbie and my first thought was "Who is
THAT?" When I realized I was looking at Taker (sans shirt) the
image was already gone. (but certainly not forgotten)
My grandmother had an old saying that loses something when
translated to English, but basically states that whatever
happens on the first day of a new year sets the pattern for the
rest of the year. So it looks like 2001 will be an exceptional
year.
As always, visual torture is a part of each week's show. This
included:
1) Raven's head being shoved into a toilet (full of fake pee)
by Tazz (although both of them do a great job in the Hardcore
division)
2) Shirtless Steph (barf)
3) Close-ups of Saturn (and I don't mean the planet, unless
there's a Planet-Ugly)
4) Regal's facial expressions
5) Various wrestlers suffering from skin eruptions(I thought
only teen-agers got zits). I'd like to see guys like Test
"connect the dots" just to see what image those zit-clusters
would form.
Is Kane's head shrinking? It looked smaller than usual.
I saw one good sign: A picture (or as morons like Trish would
say: "pichur")of a toothless hillbilly along with the words:
"Hee Haw Benoit".
I'll end this column with a FuckWad of the Week Award (and the
first Wad of the new year) for....
Steve Austin!
I can't stand Slutphoney and I love seeing her humiliated. But
does Austin have to be her nemesis every single time? And this
whole pour-beer-on-head-squirt-mustard-on-shirt, etc. etc. is
only funny the *first* time. How many times has Taker spit his
chaw on Vince? Once. Would I want to see it done every week?
No. Once again, Stevie is whining about his title shot and how
he keeps getting screwed out of it. Some things never change.
Here's a slightly smaller FuckWad Award for JR. During the
Ministry angle, he'd get outraged whenever Taker went after
Stephanie. ("Damn you, Undertaker! Damn you!") Well, we've all
heard what Taker thought about *that* shitty angle...
But when Austin picks on pig-princess, JR thinks it's great.
Typical redneck reaction: the psychological mind games go right
over their pin-heads, but the visual slapstick (or should I say
"shtick") is thought of as "funny". The 3 Stooges having a pie
fight was funny. Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, and Fatty
Arbuckle were funny. WWF guys throwing food and/or beer on
people is *not* funny. One thing I'd love to see in the WWF is
an impartial announcer. Think it'll ever happen? Naaahh...
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of shirts....on Taker)
FuckWad of the Week Award: January 8, 2001
RAW is: Doofus night at WWF-NY. Bring a geek, get a free drink.
Question of the Week:
Are Kurt Angle's balls as small as his ears?
Minor FuckWads this week to:
a) JR when he said, "Austin has the look of a WWF champion."
Bald? Dim-witted? That explains why Taker never gets the belt.
An extra FuckWad to JR for his unforgetable lines regarding
HHH: "Damn his soul! He cost Austin the title! The bastard!!
The bastard!!!" I was waiting for Ross's head to explode. Maybe
it did, after RAW went off the air.
b) Steph for reminding me of a book my kids had when they were
little: "Saggy Baggy Elephant"
c) Drano MalenkHo for throwing a tray of vomit on Lita.
d) Patterson for walking in on the Rock/Kevin(Mr. Mole) Kelly
interview. I guess he was coming in for a piece of the people's
pie. Later, he was rumored to say this: "Sorry, Doowain - I
wanted to do dat dink wit yoo but I dint know Gevin Gelly was
in dere wit yoo."
e) Rock for telling Gevin Gelly: "Austin and I are going to
have a date." Awwww, how sweet! Don't let Patterson know. He'll
accuse you of "doo-diming" him!
f) Chyna for her interview. Her hair wathn't sthtuck on her eye
thith time, but the glue wath vithible from her falth
eyelasheth.
g) Billy/The One-with-the-receeding-hairline for his shiny
purple shorts.
h) The 3 Wise Men for being part of the Lumberjack match. Did
they remember their gold, frankincense and myrrh? Somebody
should tell them Christmas is over.
i) Christian for wearing a hat made from Kane-kostume-kloth
j) LardMen vs The 3 R's (Kane/Rikishi vs Rock/Refs) for a
totally pointless match...except for Taker's run-in. All these
under-used wrestlers languishing in the back and the writers
put refs in their place instead? *hisssss*
k) Trish for again showing us what happens to over-bleached
hair.
l) Regal for looking like an extra in "Night of the Living
Dead". If he was looking for some brains to eat, he was
shit-outta luck.
m) The whole concept of wwf.com's "tough enough" site. I
haven't seen it because I think wwf.com sucks. Now they'll get
50,000 new hits from pimply prepubescent boys who think they'll
be big stars in the WWF one day (smirk).
Good stuff:
1) Taker in black leather
2) Several people in the crowd wearing "Dead Man Inc" shirts
3) Turd Dangle giving 30 suplexes to Ass-Stain
4) HHH hitting Austin over the head at the end of the show,
causing Austin to bleed and JR to spontaneously combust
(wishful thinking)
5) Edge & Christian's Dudley segment (although they could have
found better actors)
6) Raven's new hair color (must've borrowed it from Taker)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the 3 Wise Men)
FuckWad of the Week Award: January 15, 2001
This week's FuckWad Award is presented to the backstage
camera-man. You know the one...he handled it as well as any
first-time user: sway forward; sway backward; sway left; sway
right. I haven't been so nauseated since that disastrous
deep-sea fishing trip I took back in July of '99.
The Rock gets a large Wad too (no, not from Patterson - at
least, not *this* time) for trying to incorporate Martin Luther
King in his speech. Is he planning to quote Washington and
Lincoln next month, too?
MiniWads to:
a) Chyna - for "accthepting Ivory'th challength." That match
will be about as exciting as Taker vs. X-Pac.
b) JR - for his line: "Austin got a royal screwing from the
male member." Huh? Isn't a "male member" what's usually used in
a screwing? Also, good ol' JR fucked up his lines again by
referring to Ivory as Lita. Duh...
c) Steph - for her nappy hair. Gee, crimping irons were big
back in, uh, 1988!
d) Kurt - for more of his "waaahhhh-fuckin'-waaaahhh" mic work.
Donkey Kong? Does anybody even play that anymore?
e) Trish - for her mic work, and for that stupid pink cowboy
hat.
f) Test - for his theme music (which sounds a lot like "Hisss"
"Hisss" "Hisss") The only thing hardcore about him is his zits.
Damn...those are some big ones!
g) Kane - for chokeslamming his own partner.
h) Benoit - Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wacky wabid
wolverine wascals! He really does look like Elmer Fudd. Also,
standing on that ladder made him *at least* 6 feet tall.
i) The spanking match and Lawler's reaction to it (barf!)
j) Scotty Potty - I HATE the fuckin' "Worm"! So does everybody
else with an IQ higher than a slug's.
k) Austin/Angle/Austin/HHH/Austin/McMahon, etc. - I was almost
ready to ease up on "ston-clod" a little bit. He seemed willing
to take a back seat to some of the other guys when he first
returned. That lasted for about one show. Now he's back to
bitching, moaning, main-event status.
l) Taka & Funaki - The dubbed mic work was funny the first
time. "Indeed" was never funny! Let these 2 little fellas talk
by themselves. Japanese/Engrish would be much more
entertaining.
Also, why are Taka's feet so tiny?
m) Vince - for his constant plugging of the XFL. By now,
everyone's heard about it and everyone is sick of hearing about
it. They'll either watch or they won't.
n) Everybody who voted Republican. As of Saturday, we'll have a
mentally-challenged little man with no neck, twitching and
squinting on camera along with his side-kick, the little tubby
doofus that twiddles his thumbs. We're stuck with them for 4
loooong years.
Good stuff:
There wasn't any...except for Taker.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of incompetent camera-men
and the same matches with the same people, week after week...)
FuckWad of the Month Award: Soiled Stumble
(aka Royal Rumble)
Is *anyone* surprised that Stone CLOD won the Rumble? I'm more
surprised that Kane lasted so long. I'm almost ready to believe
those 'net rumors that Glenn Jacobs is no longer the man behind
the mask.
In addition to winning the Soiled Stumble, Austin HAD to
interfer in the HHH/Angle match, fucking up HHH's chance of
winning (*hissss*) So the FuckWad of the Month Main Award goes
to Steve Austin. (and he can share it with his pudgy boyfriend,
JR)
I have nothing negative to say about the first 2 matches. I'm
really happy to see the Dudleys with the belts, but all 4 men
put on a good match. Same with the Benoit/Jericho ladder-match.
I was glad to see Elmer Fudd lose the belt, but they both did a
great job.
I knew the Chyna/Ivory match would be lame. Chyna winning the
Women's belt would be like Taker winning the Light-Heavyweight
(Lightweight?) belt. I figured she'd lose due to interference
by Richards. JR & King did an adequate acting job selling the
"paralythed" Chyna, till later when they were concerned about
Steph & Trish (after their "brutal" match...) but they never
mentioned Chyna again.
The HHH/Angle match would've been much better without the bald
redneck, because HHH would've taken the belt from Waaaaaangle.
FuckWads for Steph & Trish for their
battle-of-the-flabby-skanks. There should've been a trough full
of "Take the Day Off" (liquid make-up remover) and they
should've taken turns pushing each other's faces into it.
Wouldn't it be entertaining to see Trish's drawn-on eyebrows
melt right off her face?
I'd like to see a new stipulation to the Royal Rumble. Each
contestant must be a (male) WWF wrestler who's been competing
throughout most, if not all, of the previous year. (This rule
wouldn't apply to Taker, of course) No actors, no McMahons, no
women, no washed-up has-beens....it just might work!
Anorexic-Hardy came out first, followed by Bullshit Bull. #3
was the better-fed Hardy. I was hoping we'd see the first 2
double-team Matt. Then Jeff would make an announcement that he
and Bull have been dating for awhile and wanted to take their
love out of the closet. Awwwww.
Faarooq was foouurth followed by Drew Carey. WTF? The fat woman
with the Trish-makeup (that's on Drew's show) would've been a
better choice!
Kane was next, followed by Raven. Al Snow was #8 and I'm happy
to see he grew his facial hair back! #9 was "Sabretooth Saturn
from Planet-Ugly". Notice he has tusks now. Scary! Blackman
came out next and the ring was littered by hardcore props. When
Raven threw a full garbage can into the ring, scattering food
scraps everywhere, Kane took a renewed interest in the match.
"Buffet? Where's the plates? Where does the line form?"
Junior Lawler was next, and thank God his dad wasn't a
competitor this year! Although Honky-Tonk Man has the same body
shape as Jerry Lawler (ugh)...Kane actually did a good thing,
busting the paste-board guitar over Elvis's head.
Rock was #13 and did about as well in the ring as the next guy,
Goodfather, but because *he* is The Rock, he stayed in a lot
longer. Poor Tazz was out as soon as he was in. #16 was
Bradshaw, followed by pierced-Albert. Then the big Holly came
in. There were enough guys in there fighting to give Rock a
chance to catch a nap in the corner. Nestle Quik was next but
he was too little and skinny to keep up with the bigger guys.
White Supremacist Val was #20. Miss Manners (Regal) followed
and next was Test...(right after JR announced: "there's no
pimples or submissions...")
Bossman was supposed to be next, but he was crying in the back
over Bull leaving him for Jeff Hardy, so Big Show (who's still
a Shmo) came out instead. Where's all the weight-loss we've
been hearing about?? Oh...in his head. It did look a litle
smaller. New ink, too...zzzzzzzz.
The biggest was followed by the littlest, Crash Holly. The
littlest was followed by the best: Undertaker. French-fry-head
Scotty came out and was disposed of pretty quickly. Then
AwwStain, Billy Gunn, and some fat Samoan guy with an afro came
out. Haku? Haiku? Achoo? whatever... And of course Rikishi
"brought up the rear." (and ended up knocking Taker out of the
ring) *hissss*
There were still about 5 guys in the ring, when JR started
bellowing "Austin has won the Rumble!!!" King reminded JR that
it wasn't over yet. I enjoyed seeing HHH come out and bust
Austin open. JR shit himself over this, of course, and King
pointed out that Austin had done the same thing earlier to HHH.
JR made excuses for his baldheaded bitch by saying, "Well, that
was different. Austin was provoked." Huh??
This was the first ppv I've seen since Unforgiven, back in
September. Austin & JR got FuckWad Awards back then, too. Do I
see a pattern here?
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of "gay redneck lovers")
FuckWad of the Week Award: January 22, 2001
A Haiku For Haku
*****************
Hideous Afro
Just what we need on t.v.
Lame, stupid gimmick
************************
I've decided to quit giving WaaaaaAngle a weekly FuckWad Award,
and just give it to Austin (& JR) each week instead.
Deja DooDoo aka I've seen this shit before. AssStain appears
minutes before the show ends. JR marks out, wets himself, and
bellows: "Stone Cold!! Stone Cold!! Austin is going to
Wrestlemania!!!" I'm surprised JR doesn't say "Austin WINS at
Wrestlemania!!" since we all know that's what'll happen, just
as we all knew he'd win the Rumble too.
WWF is turning to shit right before our very eyes. Now we have
to sit through Steph vs Trish matches? Ugh! If Daddy's little
princess wants to "wrestle" (smirk) why not bring back Luna? At
least we'd see a McMahon getting their ass kicked. No wonder
all those young male losers entered the "Tough Enough" contest.
They'd all be better in the ring than Steph or Trish!
Seriously, that was pitiful. If those boys are the future of
WWF, say good-bye to televised wrestling...
Instead of Drew Carey, WWF should've got Gallagher. Remember
him? He was the funny, balding old hippy that busted open
watermelons on stage with his trusty sledgehammer. Sometimes
he'd wear a rollerskate on one foot and a big spring on the
other. He could've busted Austin's head open like a melon. That
would be entertaining.
Ever notice how big Michael Cole's ears are? He should "lend an
ear" to Kurt.
Test is now the You-Row Pee-On champ. What's with the single
black armband? And who is "Morley"?
Seeing Elmer Benoit Fudd in the ring with Big Shmo reminded me
of some kid with his big fat redneck Dad. I'll say one
non-insulting thing about Show. I didn't notice him wheezing
and gasping for air after 30 seconds in the ring, so I guess
that means he really *has* improved. But if he lost weight
(where?), why is he still called "the 500 pound" Big Show?
Why are so many viewers falling for the paralythed-Chyna work?
WWF fucked up by showing it to us in slo-mo last night. We
clearly saw Chyna's head miss Ivory by at least a foot. And if
Chyna HAD collided with her opponent's face, Ivory would look
like Shawn Stasiak now - with a squished-in nose. Ewwww.
Haku-Meng is the poster child for do-it-yourself home perms.
This is what results when you drink too many beers and forget
to time the solution. Not that I'd know anything about that...
It's always good to see Taker-T.V., but I don't like where this
is headed. Another "joining" of the "brothers" as they battle
the 2 fat Samoan guys week after week after we...zzzzzzz
Another good thing about last night's show was the Raven/Snow
hardcore match.
Two more strange-but-true observations before I go:
1) Did you notice D-Lo's curly-toed clown shoes? Poor guy -
stuck in "The 3 Wise Men" gimmick...
2) Ronald McDonald's son was seated right behind the announce
table! Then again, with that hair, he mighta been Haku's son.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of columns like this one. It
reminds me too much of JR's column. Psssst...hey you! Wanna buy
some BBQ sauce? It's a secret family recipe. Only $25 a
bottle...)
FuckWad of the Week Award: January 29, 2001
Eenie Meenie Minee Mo
Give the Shmo a big low blow
If he hollers, let him go
Give the belt to Jericho
There were a few entertaining scenes on last night's RAW. The
best one was the deranged, bleeding Taker in his post-match
interview. The runner-up was the Waaaangle pizza commercial.
That reminded me of the good old days, when a 10 hour acid
trip, complete with singing and dancing pizzas (just like
Kurt's kommercial!) could be had for a measly $2.
Kurt was back in his hometown last night. He was the Hometown
Homo.
FuckWads this week to the following:
a) Big Show: for coming out and attcking Rock. Why didn't the
Great Wight Whale, Moby Paul, just grab Rock and stuff him in
his mouth, instead? The "people's meal" would've caused a 250
pound weight gain and we would've been rid of both of them.
b) Christian: for his fuzzy glasses that matched his fuzzy
shirt.
c) Tak & Funak: for taking Edge and "Chlistian's prace". When
are these 2 little guys gonna get some respect? Hopefully, when
Tajiri joins them!
d) The new batch of "Tough Enough" applicants. The last guy
they showed might have potential. He either did a great Owen
imitation, or it really *was* Owen. Maybe he faked his death -
just like Elvis.
e) The long, pointless sign-the-contract angle. The only good
part was seeing Austin get his ass kicked. I'm surprised he
"allowed" it. And JR didn't shit himself as much as usual. It
was more of a low-key shit-himself. Hmmmm.
f) The Hardys: how did these 2 little guys battle 4 big guys
and still end up winning?
g) The guy behind the announce table: for the Viking hat. As
some whiney know-it-all pointed out to me a couple years ago,
Vikings did *not* wear hats with horns on them. I'm so glad she
set me straight, so I can pass that important piece of
knowledge on. (snort)
h) JR: for his commentary during the Hardcore match. "Raven's
hands slapped the sign. I don't think his head did..." Well,
duh. We all know their heads don't really bounce off of solid
objects, but it's one of those things the announcer is NOT
supposed to call attention to.
i) The "mystery woman": for always helping Raven get away. I
keep hoping it's *not* Tori, but we all know it probably is.
(ugh)
j) Haku: for too many damn head-butts. And that hair has gotta
go. It's about as current as Steph's look!
k) Kane: for taking so long to get involved. Waiting till
Taker's been double-teamed for awhile and THEN shuffling over
and joining in is being real helpful...
l) Rock: for always having to win the match, whether it's
2-way, 3-way, 4-way, high-way, free-way, or no-way!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Afros, Low-blows, Big
Shows and
D-Los....) Back to FuckWads Archives
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