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July 26, 1999
This week's award is presented to...
ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES (or..."Road-Kill-I'm-So-Lame") for trying to help his little spazzed out friend, X-Lax. (*hisssssss*)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things that YOU don't:
1) His hair NEVER looks like something you'd clean the floor with. I bet if YOU stood in a dark janitor's closet, you'd blend right in with all the other string mops!
2) Granted, he represents death and evil, but YOU'RE the one who looks like the "Looney Tunes" buzzard*
(* see "Mad Phat Look-A-Likes)
3) If he was unfortunate enough to find himself standing directly behind Billy Gunn, he'd take "2 Giant steps" backwards rather than do the "un-neutered dog humping dance" that seems to be YOUR "signature move" whenever you'redirectly behind Mr. "I like it up the" Ass.
4) He's got enough class not to spit water out of his mouth! (What are you...a fuckin' camel??)
Ooooooo...a 5th point yet again!
5) His ink looks sexy to women while yours looks like somebody turned a 5 year old loose with a laundry marker (Hey...maybe it was "Harold and the Purple Crayon"!)
So...Mr. "Buzzard", uh...Road-Dogg...Take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the wrestling world of stringy haired silly-looking so-called wrestlers)
August 2, 1999
This week's FuckWad Award is presented to: HHH (aka Horrible Hemorhoidal
Helmsley) for his "in-ring" tantrum directed at the Undertaker. Thank
you, HHH, for being so whiny (*hissss*) What?? If the Undertaker wants
a title shot against Austin he needs to "go through you first"? Bwaahhhaaahhaaa!!!!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things that YOU don't:
1) If he laid on his back on the ground, nobody would mistake HIS nose for a sundial (another body part, sure, but we won't go there right now...)
2) When he talks, he doesn't start each sentence sounding like he hasn'tshit in 5 days! ("Uhhhhhhh!!")
3) The biker-look is right for him. On you, it just looks likea Halloween costume (and you don't even need a mask!)
4) Undertaker would be perfectly safe wandering the Canadian wilderness during Moose season...you would not!
So, HHH, you large-nosed toughguy wannabe....
I suggest that you try more fiber in your diet so you won't have to "Uhhhhh!!" before each thing you say. Take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road! (And I hope you never sneeze near a window...the shattering glass might hurt somebody)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the wrestling world of men with the facial features of a moose)
August 9,
This week's award is presented to:
Jericho (Fairy-Co) for all the hype and "count-down" concerning hisarrival. In all fairness, I've never seen him wrestle, so maybe he actually knows how??
I really hope he does...since he's got absolutly nothing else going for him (*hissss*)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He doesn't have a piece of hair sticking straight up. Did you use the same "hair gel" as the guy in "There's Something About Mary"? If so, you got it from Mr. Ass, right?
2) He looks like a man and not a 12 year old boy (Yeah, I knowI said this one before, but it applies again...)
3) He calmly replies to the "Ranting of the Rock" while you appearready to burst into tears (awwww)
4) He slowly walks around the outside of the ring, rather than skipping like a little girl.
So, Fairy-Co...take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
Oh, and you'll be sharing this week's honor along with a few other recipients...
1) Chyna...for being confused as to her gender ("Guyth..doeth thith penith look real to you?")
2) HHH...for general tantrums
3) Austin...for making his usual "last 2 minutes of the show "appearance. THIS is the champ??? bwaaahhaaahaaaaaa
4) Kane...for his horrible singing ("Su-uh-uh-uh-uk It")
5) Mr. Ass...for showing his hideous ass
I'll stop here before I give one out to everybody!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of "Jerk"-a-holics)
8/16:
This week's award is presented to:
Hard-Bore Bwa-ha-ha-ly and his "verticaly challenged" cousin, PeeWee...and also, Jericho/Fairy-Co for being annoying little shits (*hisssss*) First of all, to the Bwa-ha-ha-lys, Hard-Bore and PeeWee, the Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't:
1) Normal teeth...Are you telling me the WWF doesn't have a dental plan? The women all get "re-done" so why can't some of the men? Also, notice how much Tori and Ivory look alike? Must have the same plastic surgeon!
2) "HardCore match"...as in, Boiler Room, Hell in a Cell, Inferno...need I say more? "HardCore" is NOT jumping up and down on top of a truck. Hell, I've seen better fights at "Vic's Blue Room"!
And to last week's recipient, Fairy-Co, the Undertaker possesses 2
things that YOU don't:
3) He doesn't wear a shirt made out of fuckin' Reynolds Wrap! Somebody fire up the grill and lay this little jerk on it! (Then again, I WOULD like to see Taker in a costume made of, uh, plastic wrap...)
4) He said it better than I ever could, "Peach Fuzz". I've seen more facial hair on pre-pubescent boys!
So, take your FuckWad of the Week Awards and hit the road! And
while we're at it...let's give a "mini" FuckWad Award to Chyna. All the fans who think it's "great" that she's "competing" with men would be the first to bitch if a MAN had the audacity to compete against all the other women! Once again, let's bring up the Dental plan...all that plastic surgery and they couldn't fix your Lithp??? What about hiring a fuckin Voice Coach?? At least Nicole's voice "fits" her appearance.
Well, since everybody's raving about "The Blair Witch Project" (yeah, including me) how about casting Chyna in the main role? She'd say:
"I am tho very thorry thith happened. We're lotht in the woodth and I am tho thcared!"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling world of little jerky men and big ugly women... who sound like little jerky men!)
**If Jericho is the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-ah, I would love to see
Taker punch a hole-ah in the Ayatollah**
Well, I'm pleased with the outcome of this month's ppv.
Undertaker
won (although that "win" includes the Big Shmo too), Austin lost (hooray,
hooray) and Mankind got the belt (what a great surprise!)
The SummerSlam ppv FuckWad of the Month Award is presented to:
Shane McMahon for pretending to be a wrestler (again) *hissss*
Shane-O (if I had to kiss you, I'd rather drink Drane-O)...didn't youlearn your lesson when you battled the Bone-y Jabroni* (aka X-Pac)?
Here we go....The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) His eyes aren't popping out of his head (is that a thyroidcondition or just a genetic mutation?)
2) He doesn't have a whiny, annoying sister (And if he does,at least she's not on tv with him!)
3) He doesn't suffer from "Kirk Douglas Chin Syndrome" (scary, isn't it?)
4) He knows that being a wrestler involves more than jumping off the rope onto a table.
So, "Drane-O", take your FuckWad of the Month Award and hit the road!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of McMahons)
*Re: Bone-y Jabroni....I didn't coin this phrase, but I like it. If you're the originator, email me and I'll give you credit. I'll also give you a quiz to see how many other "phunny phrases" you can come up with, so I'll know if you're REALLY the originator, or just a wannna-be.
Well, once again we see an example of the "One Day Reign", but as long
as the belt wasn't returned to Awwwwww(you suck) Stin.....I can live with
it!
Although there's more deserving recipients, they've already had a turn,
so I present this week's FuckWad of the Week Award to:
Gangrel (GangSmell). Get rid of those "Hardly" Boyz and go back to hanging out with Edge and Christian again. Why are YOU the mentor of people whose moves are so much better than yours?
(*hissssss*)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) Solid color footwear...there's not a person out there
who doesn't think "bowling" when they see your 2-tone shoes!
2) He would NEVER be mistaken for Val Venis. Compare the back view of Gangrel's head to the back view of Val's head. See what I mean?
3) He walks down the ramp instead of coming out of a hole in the ground. (When you appear, does that mean we'll have 6 more weeks of bad acting?)
4) He doesn't dress like a member of a Marimba band (Does Any body look good in a ruffled shirt? Ewwwww)
So, GangSmell...take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of groundhogs in ruffled shirts)
(Ed's note: I seem to remember Cenny saying something about Gangrel looking like a bloated tick. Since that wasn't mentioned, I just thought I'd bring it up)
8/30:
*Anybody know which Zydeco band HHH plays in? We've all seen him
come down the ramp wearing his scrub-board around his neck. That
also explains where Val No-Penis has been lately. (Check out his
wrist action...now there's a dedicated scrub-board player. His hands
move even when he's not with his band!)*
OK, moving on...the FuckWad of the Week Award goes to:
Double J (go away) and his Bimbi (plural of bimbo):" Dumb" and "Dumber"(*hissssss*)
You can tell a lot about a person by checking out their significant other..."Dumb" is Austin's and "Dumber" is Lawler's. 'Nuff said...
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) If he said "Don't piss me off", we'd take him seriously, rather than fall down on the floor laughing our asses off!
2) He looks good with long hair: YOU did not. Actually, he looked good with short hair: YOU do not.
3) Why do men with no dicks call attention to this "oversight of nature" by wearing tight shorts with a design that draws the eye to this unfortunate lack? "Look! Look!" (uh..Where? Where?)
4) He doesn't need to break cheesy plywood guitars over people'sheads. A "real-man" would use the steel steps (or at least a metalchair!)
So, Double J, take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
(and take the Bimbi with you) Ever notice how many words rhyme with "J"? (Double J/Whachoo Say?/You so Gay/go Away/your bimbi's hair looks like Hay/You get Pay/Every Day/ Don't know why they let you Stay/ etc.etc.)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the wrestling world of Bimbi and gimmicks thatpiss ME off...)