Hey man...it's Heyman! This is the best thing that's happened
to RAW since Taker's return. JR didn't fuck up his announcing
once and the disgusted look on his face everytime Paul E. said
anything was priceless.
Looks like I'll have to change "JR's Weekly Verbal Fuck-Ups" to
"Heyman's Weekly Words of Wisdom."
This week's:
1) Calling Rikishi & Haku "The children of the jungle."
2) Mentioning Limp Bizkit and adding "If King was here he'd be
talking about Hank Williams."
Major FuckWad Awards to Debra and Trish (the role models of
dysfunctional women)
Debra looks like Dolly Parton on chemo therapy. She has more of
a receeding hairline than anyone in the WWF (even Malenko).
Pretty soon she'll be as bald as her husband.
Trish is proof that some people will do *anything* to be on tv.
Talk about humiliation! Tiger Ali Singh's "500 American
dollars" gimmick was nothing compared to this. One thing has me
confused though. If she was supposed to be a dog, why didn't
she bite Vince in the leg? My dog would have, but then, he's
got more self-esteem than Trish.
MiniWads to:
a) Reek-Gall for being such a suck-up. I hope he remembered to
use a nose condom when he was with Vince....
b) WaaaAngle for his new "evil Kurt" gimmick. It just doesn't
work.
c) Elmer-Benoit-Fudd for his lobotomy act at the announce
table.
d) Planet Ugly, Drano MalenkHo and GayRearO for letting their
"leader" get away. Shit, there was 3 of them and one of *him*
and they just watched him walk off?
e) Jeff HardlyMale for his Easter look. Lavender and yellow
says "Happy Easter!" and it also says "I'm gay and proud!"
f) Kane the big red copy machine for allowing Taker to do all
the work during their "tag" match (as usual).
g) ChrisChang (minus his conjoined twin Edge) for that shirt.
h) The Vince/Trish saga. She's horrible on the mic and if I
close my eyes, I can't tell whether I'm listening to her or
Steph. It's the same whiny voice. Also, we don't need more
Vin-t-v. We see enough of him backstage with his butt-buddy,
Regal. (It must've been a real "blow" to Patterson to be
replaced like that)
i) Debra as Rock's manager. Right before that happened, I was
thinking "Even though I don't like Austin, at least *he's* not
trying to get more air time for his wife, like Lawler was."
I can hear her now...."But Stayuhv, ah wunted to maynage yew,
not Rayuk!"
j) Snow/Show match...Al's little midget buddies should've came
down to help. (maybe they did and I didn't notice, due to
Show's ass blocking everything else out) Is it my imagination,
or is that man getting fatter? If they have another match
together Al should dress up as Captain Ahab and just harpoon
the great "Wight" whale.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of nepotism)
FuckWad of the Week Award: March 12, 2001
Due to HHH, we were robbed out of seeing Taker deflate the
human balloon, Big Pork (the other "wight" meat). Moose-face,
you're our FuckWad of the Week award recipient!
I don't care how good of a match you can put on or how evil you
can act: I can't get past that nose. I've never seen a human
nose that big. Well, at least the whiney fat-assed t.v."wife"
wasn't there too. Seeing her screeching at Taker and trying to
"slap" him would've been more than I could take. I *do* have my
limits for shit-t.v. you know.....
I won't rehash the many ways Taker is so much better than HHH
(aka Mr. Moose). Just-ahhh come up here-ahhh and get-ahhh your
award-ahhhh. And please consider donating some of that nose to
people who don't have one (like Michael Jackson).
As usual, the big red copy-machine showed up *after* the
incident. He couldn't catch HHH who had only about a 5 foot
head start. Kane kouldn't katch him?? (*hisss*) When HHH
disappeared through the curtain, that was enough to konfuse
Kane. ("Duh...where'd he go?") So the ever helpful "brother"
tried to lift the motorcycle off of Taker, until Shamu waddled
out and attacked. This kaused Kane to DROP the fuckin' bike
back onto Taker (who put his acting talent to good use, roaring
in pain and frustration).
When Taker told HHH: "You better just finish me now, bitch," I
wanted to chant "Maximus! Maximus!" Hey, it reminded me of the
scene near the end of the movie, where Maximus killed the gay
Emperor.
MiniWads to:
a) X-Pac: for his usual shitty ring work. So now Albert has
joined them? Will X-Crap shave his head so they can be Da
Baldies?
b) Benoit: for wemoving wacky Wadicals one at a time. ("Be vewy
vewy quiet...I'm hunting Wadicals...") They didn't know he was
right around the corner?? How could anybody attack Saturn from
the side? Planet-Ugly could look straight ahead and STILL see
what's happening off to the side.
c) Regal: for his Night-of-the-Living-Dead look. Too bad it was
only on half his face. If he's looking for brains to eat, he's
shit outta luck, with none in the audience and only Taker's in
the WWF roster...
d) Lillian Diarreah: for suffering from J.R.itis as she
announced D'Von as "weighing in at THREE hundred twenty
pounds."
e) Vince & Trish: Some people will do *anything* to get
air-time on the show.
f) Kurt (Turd Dangle): for his evil persona. Who wouldn't be
scared of a 5'5" square-headed man with no ears, no neck and
(pretty soon) no hair?
g) Shane (aka Porky Pig): He's been on the Big Show diet. The
one where you don't lose ANY weight at all. The Billion Dollar
Butt Plug beat up the old man which was somewhat entertaining.
h) RTC: I "c" they all had sleeveless shirts on except for
Steven. Must be a sign that Spring is near. When I heard
Lillian say "a weight of one thousand pounds" I though Big Show
had joined up with them.
i) JR: for his single solitary verbal fuck-up. He said: "Look
at Val Venis almost beheading the Intercontinental title."
j) XFL: JR preaches (more like "begs") for fan support. Who
gives a shit? I tune into RAW to watch wrestling, not football.
k) Big Show: for those jiggly thighs (sadistic camera man!)that
we were treated to a close-up of (urrp) as he waddled off to
Sea World for his next gig.
l) JR (again!): for talking about the main event during the
Hare-lip/Raven match. Heyman tried to snap his porcine pal out
of it, to no avail. Aren't the announcers supposed to talk
about what's going on in the ring at the moment?
m) Rock: for sweating like a toilet tank on a humid day. The
match w/Angle was too long. When Angle started twisting Rock's
foot, we all knew what would happen next. That's raht...Daybruh
baygged Kuruht to stohyup but he did the sayum thang to her,
branging Stayuhv down to the rang to hep his wiuhf.
n) Austin: for demonstrating his "grace" in the ring after he
stunnered Rock and proceeded to trip over him, nearly falling
head first into the turnbuckle. h-yuk!
Good stuff:
1) Seeing Heyman announcing again
2) RAW starting with a match instead of a monologue
3) No Steph
4) Jericho's comments to Regal: "Pompous, spineless Ass-clown"
5) The Wrestlemania commercial showing Taker tombstoning Nash
6) sign: "Justin Toxicated"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of scenes like this:
"Oiving, put on channel 21! There's a goy on with a bigger
shnoz than you, even...")
FuckWad of the Week Award: March 19, 2001
Give the new writer a raise - he deserves it! I think a raise
is in order for the cameraman too...the one who captured the
"Fuck You, Rock" sign on video.
The FuckWad of the Week Award goes to the McEgo family. If we
*have to* see Shane vs. Vince, can't they do it on RAW? Why
save it for Wrestlemania? I'm not paying $40 to see a 10 minute
Taker match and a 30 minute McMahon match. (*hissss*)
A few days ago, God (disguised as the Fed-Ex man) rang my
doorbell and left me the Ten McCommahonments. He told me to
share them with you so here they are:
I. Vince and/or Steph must be on tv each week.
II. The XFL must be hyped on WWF programming each week.
III. Shane must be at least behind the scenes (if not on tv)
each week.
IV. Linda must be at least mentioned each week.
V. McMahons must do all booking.
VI. McMahons must be in matches, especially at Wrestlemania.
VII. McMahons must get a belt at least 2 or 3 times per year.
VIII. McMahons must ignore their talented *real* wrestlers,
while promoting themselves first.
IX. McMahons must have fat asses and fat egos.
X. McMahons must collect wrestlers like a spoiled kid collects
PokeMon cards.
MiniWads to:
a) Big (pork) Show: To view the "Wight family photo-album" see http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/
Either his head is getting smaller or his body is getting
bigger.
b) Steph: for the crimping-iron disaster on her head and that
screeeeechy voice. A sweaty palm sliding on a wooden bannister
or a fork scraping a plate are music to my ears compared to
that voice!
And when are her shoes gonna have a party and invite the hem of
her pants down?
c) Rhino: aka Cro-Magnon man, for being the "missing link."
d) Whoever wrote Taker's dialogue when Regal gave him the
restraining order. "You ratted me out...you dropped the dime on
me...etc." sounds too much like the dialogue from a cheesy
prison movie.
e) Rock: for ruining Tazz's match, just to get mic time.
f) Kane: For *not* throwing Steph off the balcony. We all knew
it was a dummy but still...he coulda thrown it down to the
floor below and regal could've got that horrified, disgusted
look on his rubber face. Other than that, Kane actually did a
*good* job last night. He should follow Taker's instructions
more often.
(What's the difference between Steph's acting ability and a
dummy?
Nothing!)
g) Chyna: for her outfit (and thank you for not talking!) Those
little bulges of flesh on her back clearly said "You need a
bigger size!" Did you see her feet? We're talking size 15 EE
here.
h) XFL: Why can't WWF understand that all wrestling fans are
NOT football fans?
i) Debra: for looking more and more like Sable each week.
j) The Wrestlemania commercial that aired near the end of the
show: All but one group of people looked like they were on
welfare. Get real, Vince. If most of your fans are poor why the
fuck does all your merchandise cost so much? Lower the prices
so all your impoverished fans can afford the stuff!
k) The final match: Angle & Benoit & Regal (oh my)/ Whiner &
Midget & Scrub (oh my)
Good Stuff:
1) All of Taker t.v. (except for the dialogue previously
mentioned) The little tongue-click was a nice touch too.....
2) Raven winning the Hardcore belt back (and Kane had something
to do with this....amazing)
3) Jericho making Pee-Tea for Regal
4) Ivory ripping Chyna's cardboard head off
5) Heyman doing a JR immitation
6) Little Spike Dudley!
7) JR didn't even fuck up his lines once.
Signs:
1) "Marry me, Lita!" (held up by a woman)
2) "Fuck You, Rock" (held up by ?....Tazz maybe?)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the Ten McCommahonments)
FuckWad of the Week Award: March 26, 2001
WWF+WCW= An ego for Vince the size of a third world country.
Vin-the-chin ASSumes that if we watch WWF, we must also watch
WCW (not to mention XFL, too). Plastic-hair just doesn't get
it, does he? I wonder if his shrivelled old dick was getting
stiff while he talked about his new toy, WCW? Only Trish 'wood'
know for sure.
If you're living with abandoned remodeling projects, like me,
send all your spackling compound to Vince. Hopefully, he'll use
it to fill in that big empty hole (Not the one on his
chin...the one in his head)
Full size FuckWads to Vince and the following:
1) Cur Tangle - for telling BenWaaah "I can make you squeal."
Just what we need...a remake of "Deliverance."
2) The Big Red Copy machine - for his karaoke kommercial. Well,
now I can't say that Kane copies *everything* Taker does. Any
wrestler can do a commercial, but how many can act in a tv
show? I mean a worth-watching show, like Poltergeist, not that
lame-ass drivel that so many others have "starred" in.
3) Kane again - for his grocery store commercial. More on that
at the end of this column.
4) The old-fart Battle Royale scheduled for Wrestlemania. Now
we can put those "it's an April Fool's joke" theories to rest.
5) Ronald McJericho - for his disguise as an ass-clown. We knew
it wasn't really Doink...he has major responsibilities (like
running that clown-skool near me)
6) Vince again - for that camera shot of his giant paw on
Trish's knee (I feel sick...)
7) Vince yet again - for his lame attempt at humiliating every
WCW guy who used to work for WWF. Well, we know who'll be
unemployed now!
8) Rhino/Rhyno (Wino?) - he's short, he's ugly, and he can't
talk worth shit. I just described Trish!
9) Vince for the last time (this week) - for being on 2
channels at once.
10) The RAW audience - I'm ashamed that I used to live in
Cleveland. Those audience members weren't *real* Clevelanders.
If they were, they'da rioted due to spending money to see a
wrestling show and ending up sitting through an hour of Doctor
Evil and Mini-Me McMahon.
11) Shane (Mini-Me) - for looking like an overweight version of
the gay emperor in "Gladiator."
12) AssStain - for tripping and almost falling into the ring
when he tried to get through the ropes for his match. This is a
weekly occurence! Did you notice how many beers he had at the
end? I counted 8 (he probably had 8 *before* this, too)
13) Triple Nose - for ruining Taker's match.
14) Rockstin - for using a stunner on Austin. We're so
impressed that he knows another non-wrestling move besides the
People's Elbow.
Well, as usual, the Taker interview was good, except for the
line "skank old lady." True, Steph is a skank, but compared to
Mrs. Taker...(The truth ain't always pretty, is it?)
Now, back to the Kane grocery store commercial. What was in his
shopping cart? Pork rinds? Lard? Tampax? E-mail me
(egzakto@charter.net) and tell me what *you* think was in
Kane's Kart and I'll put it in a future column. (and I won't
mention your name if you ask me not to...)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of a total McMahon
monopoly...) Back to FuckWads Archives
Want to e-mail Cenny? Use egzakto@charter.net Back to the Crypt
