Maybe it should be retitled, "He Who Gets Slapped." (referring
to an old Lon Chaney silent classic...strange movie!)
Well, this years' Wrestlemania was certainly better than the
last two. Today is "everybody who watched gives their opinion
on the show" day, so here's mine:
Wasn't somebody supposed to sing the National Anthem?
Jericho/Regal: was ok, but nothing special. I predicted Jericho
as the winner.
ApA & Tazz/RTC: was kinda short. I predicted ApA/Tazz as the
winners.
Hardcore match: I thought Raven did an outstanding job. I was
hoping he'd keep the belt, but predicted Kane would win (due to
all the exposure he's getting lately with his "fat-pill"
commercials) Big Shmo was pretty useless, but I expected that.
There was some observation at my house about the resemblance in
the face between Paul Wight and Shane McMahon. Hmmmm, so Shmo
is Vinnie's love child. That explains everything....(who's the
mom? Mae Young?)
Eddie/Test match: I completely forgot about this one. Not being
a fan of either of them, I didn't pay much attention to it. I
would've predicted Eddie as the winner, though.
Angle/Benoit: I predicted Benwaah as the winner. I was a little
surprised that Waangle won. I *wasn't* surprised to see him
cry, though. Ugh.
Chyna/Ivory: I'm glad this one didn't drag on and on. What the
fuck was Chyna wearing? That head piece had tacky written all
over it. I predicted Big Chy to win the match, but thought
Ivory would somehow keep the belt. Now that Chyna hath it,
who'th gonna take it from her?
(who cares?)
The Clash of the Egos: I predicted Shane would win, and Linda,
Trish and Foley would all kick Vince's ass. I was hoping to see
at least a Mandible Claw from Mick, though. Shane did an
adequate job, but then, look who his opponent was. If I was one
of those "unused" midcarders hanging out in the back because
there was no room on the card for me (due to the McFatAss
family) I'd be pretty pissed off right now. If they found a
spot for Planet Ugly and MalenkHo (even if it *was* just a
run-in)they should've found a way to get some of those other
guys in there too. Was Steph trying to do a re-wiring job
before the show? That hair was fugly!
TLC match: I predicted the Duds to win this one (and they're
the most deserving) but as usual...The gaynadians get the belts
again. Zzzzzzz.
It was good to see Little Spike in there. I still think Rhino
sucks.
Gimmick battle: There's something pathetic in seeing a bunch of
fat-gut balding has-beens trying to wrestle. Look at guys like
Freddie Blassi and Killer Kowalski. They're even older than
these so called competitors, but they're in much better
physical shape. Maybe THEY should've been in it. Fifteen or
twenty years from now, who will we see (out of the current
roster) humiliating themselves in the ring in a match like
this? I didn't make any predictions on this one, although I
guess I would've gone with Chyna's brother, Slaughter...
Austin/Rock: I predicted Rock to win and then lose the belt at
the next ppv, or sooner. I should've known Austin would win,
but (gasp) now he's in cahoots with Vince! (does anyone care?)
I was a little surprised at JR's reaction. You'd think he'd be
cumming in his pants seeing his bald baby as champ again, but
he seemed almost....disappointed. I heard a lot of boo's from
the crowd everytime Rock got the upper hand and also noticed
several "Rocky Sucks" signs, so I guess his star is fading. I
also thought Dumbra would somehow get involved, but I guess
Stayuhv a-told her not to.
Taker/HHH: This was the best match of the night. (No, I'm not
biased...heh) I predicted Taker to win, but there were times
when I wasn't sure how it would end up. The high-point of the
match was when Taker grabbed ahold of Aardvark and tossed him
over the top of that little fenced in platform. It was like a
mini Hell in a Cell. If HHH had won, I'd be going postal right
now. Is Taker now the #1 contender? Probably not.
I didn't notice any really good signs in the crowd. I also
thought Motorhead sucked. Why couldn't we have Limp Bizkit
there instead?
At least we didn't have to sit through any T&A strip-matches,
or watch X-Crap and Billy Butt in the ring.
Cenny
(Hoping to adjust to daylight saving time...zzzzzzz)
PhuhQuad of the Week Award: April 2, 2001
This show sucked for a "day-after-Wrestlemania" one. I only
watched 3/4th's of it, turning it off after the Jericho vs
Crybaby & AssClown match. I read about what I missed - doesn't
sound like I missed much. Oooh, a cage match with Rock &
Austin! HHH came down and helped destroy Rock! Looks like
Carl's favorite ppv, Backlash, aka Sling Blade ("Ah love them
french frah'd taters...") will feature a 3-way main event
consisting of Rock, Austin and HHH (with Vince as the special
guest ref, maybe?) Wow...maybe Taker will team up with Kane to
take on the RTC or Rikishi & Haku! Good, I can save myself $30.
I'll be dignified this week and award PhuhQuads instead of the
usual FuckWads.
The first one goes to Steph. She needs mic time like I need my
husband to morph into Howard Finkle (or Pat Patterson!)That
whiney voice makes the strongest stomachs ripple and churn,
producing projectile vomiting. Talk about being in
denial...can't she hear how awful she sounds? And that lame
strap match! I guess we should be thankful that Vince only has
2 kids instead of 4 or 5. Oh wait...he *does* have 5, counting
Big Show.
The second award goes to Vince. I got really excited when he
came down to the ring carrying that box. I pictured Brad Pitt
in the movie "7" whining, "What's in the box??" I was so sure
Vinnie's box contained a severed head. The big question was,
whose? I was thinking Lawler's maybe, or Linda's or even
Hogan's. Maybe Ted Turner's or HBK's even! What a let-down to
see a cowboy hat (yeehaw). Do people *really* wear those
things? Around here, men of good fashion sense wear ball caps
with important messages embroidered on the front, like "Tire
Hill Rod & Gun Club."
I was actually glad to see Rock come out and interrupt Vince.
Third award goes to the midget wrestlers (aka Little Men with
Big Heads), Eddie, Duh-ean and Pear-y. Planet Ugly gets an
extra award for that stupid hat. Droz is the only guy that
could look cool in a hat like that.
Test gets an award for that big glob of phlegm he spit out at
the top of the ramp. Classy!
Steph already got her award, but here's one for Trish. I forgot
all about her hideous silver-glitter platform boots that she
wore at Wrestlemania. A clip from the ppv reminded me of that
unfortunate oversight. And we can't forget Lillian. That was
almost funny when Steph used her as a shield, then threw Ms.
Diarreah onto Trish. Lillian's outfit reminded me of Barbie
doll clothes.
Here's an award for Rhino too. He's "over 6 feet tall" as much
as Chyna is petite. I noticed Rhi is no taller than Crash Holly
(like about 5'2")
JR gets an award for snapping at Heyman when he snarled, "Why
don't you shut up and kiss my ass!" Tsk, tsk...JR never talked
that way to Lawler. He deserves a second award for this
statement: "Perhaps the most dominant competitor in the WWF
today is Kane..."
JR's weekly verbal fuck-up makes a triumphant return this week.
During the Jericho/Angle & Regal match, Benoit came running
down to the ring. JR excitedly announced, "Here comes Chris
Jericho! He's coming to help Chris Jericho...uh..." That was
about the time I quit watching. Too much McMahon air-time, too.
Austin gets a big Wad (from Vince? No wonder JR is so upset...)
for his long rambling speech. He needs to stick to "Oh hell
yeah." In a way, I enjoyed watching him confuse the shit out of
the sheeple in the audience. They didn't know whether to cheer
him or boo him. A few brave souls "got it" and started the
"Asshole" chant, but they quickly fizzled out, victims of "peer
disapproval". The people sitting around them said things such
as:"Whut the fuck's wrong with yew, Billy Bob? That there's
Stone Cold! Y'all gotta cheer fer him or Ah'll wup yor ass..."
One more wad, for the PhD in the audience proudly displaying
his sign: "Im here an your not"
Good stuff:
1)Seeing Taker, even if he *did* just run in to help Xerox, the
big red copy machine.
2) Seeing Bradshaw toss a few midgets around.
3) Seeing all the Deadman Inc. shirts in the crowd, even though
half of them are just waiting for a new Austin shirt to debut.
4) Paul Heyman plugging Stacker II and then telling JR:
"Hey...YOU oughta try some!"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of shows that are so boring,
my tv turned itself off....)
Don't forget to email me and tell me what *you* think is in
kane's shopping cart. I've already received a few emails, and
will be writing a column about it soon!
Price check on Aisle 6...What's *really* in
Kane's shopping cart
Thank you for your responses! And now, a look into Kane's kart:
1) Nail polish; bras (size 58DDD); gardening supplies; Viagra;
Magazines: "Modern Bride" and "Glamour"; coloring book; one of
those crappy toys that you'd put in someone's treat bag for a
birthday party.
(Credit: Emily)
2) He has 2 boxes of Life cereal and says there's a special on
it: Buy *one* Life, get *one* Life free. Sorry pal, only ONE
Life per customer.
(Credit: Nate)
3) Cheese curls; ham hocks; pigs feet; prunes; lots of toilet
paper; assorted mouthwash, toothpaste and floss, so he can play
"dentist."
(Credit: "Don't use my name")
4) One jar of Pond's cold cream - to take off those pesky
racoon eyes when he gets home; one bottle Pert Plus - to get
out that hair crap that gives him "the wet look" ala 1982; two
boxes Luden's throat lozenges - for that sore throat from
desperately trying to sound "deep and raspy" cool/mysterious;
bag from store pharmacy with prescription strength deoderant; 3
packages control-top panty hose, nude, Queen-size; bag from
just-completed trip to Staples - Toner...lots and lots of red
copier toner; case of cheap-ass beer; "Zero" chocolate bars,
10-pack; Pepto Bismol, large bottle; 3 whole roasted chickens
from the deli; one large jar hot 'n' cheesy salsa (for dipping
the chicken); one Penthouse magazine; one sample-sized squeeze
bottle Jergen's lotion for extra dry skin (for choking the
chicken)
(Credit: Speedy)
4) With Easter coming up, I think he had some marshmallow
chicks (purple, of course) and a "Fruit & Nut" chocolate egg.
(Credit: Laura)
5) "Depends"; PokeMon fruit roll-ups and a tube of K-Y jelly.
(Credit: Bruce)
6) A rental from the video department: the movie "Mimic"
(Credit: Steve)
7) Dog treats; hair scrunchies; jock-itch powder; fungus
remover; wart remover; lipstick.
(Credit: Vin-man)
8) Home perming kit; flea & tick shampoo; trash bags;
"Smarties" candy; a pork roast; "Odor Eaters" shoe inserts;
bubble bath.
(Credit: "Annonymous")
FuckWad of the Week Award: April 9, 2001
RAW is......
old school. This week's FuckWad Award is presented to:
Steve Austin!
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He doesn't wear leg braces like some bizarre caricature of a
Cerebral-Palsy poster child. ("Hi, I'm Mark McGuire and this is
my little friend, Steve. Steve can't run and play like other
children because he's a fat out-of-shape redneck with a
drinking problem. Your tax-deductable donation can make a
difference to a bald inbred like Steve...")
2) A normal shaped head. (Maybe it's because Easter is almost
here, but everytime I look at the back of *your* head, I'm
thinking, "egg".)
3) He wasn't involved in a tragic love-triangle with Jim Ross
and Vince McMahon. Who to choose? A man who looks like a
turkey, or a man who looks like a pig...looks like you kicked
the BBQ sauce Queen to the curb and settled for the gobbler. I
asked Patterson what he thought of all this and he said, "I
wouldn't do dat dink wit eider of dem!"
4) Even though both wives have a receeding hairline, Debra's
looks to be farther advanced. ("But thanks to mah eno'mous
collection of 'Dolly Parton' wigs, ah can hide mah big bald
forehead quaht well.")
Now clomp on up here, take your FuckWad, and go pour a few
beers all over your face.
MiniFux to the following:
a) JR: for being a victim of domestic violence at the hands of
Steve Austin.
b) Angle: for his line, "Your olympic hero is feeling a little
bit naked." (ewwww)
c) Kane: for that graceful move, where his shoe got caught in
the ropes, causing him to fall out of the ring (still caught by
the foot), smacking his head on the floor. I gave up platform
shoes awhile back after twisting my ankle on some stairs. Maybe
the big-red-copy-machine should try copying Taker's footwear
(but then he'd be only 6'6")
d) Austin: for telling JR, "That's a purty little cowboy hat
yew got there." I thought his next line would be : "Ah wanna
see yew wearing nuthin' but that there hat, boy."
e) Big Show: For living up to his name. He looks like he's
gained 50 pounds since returning. If he wasn't Vince's son, his
wrestling career would be over!
f) Rhino: For that letter "R" on his back. Reject? Retarded?
Ross's new bitch?
g) Albert & Justin: Sounds like the sons of some snooty Boston
lawyer. I like these two by themselves and I like them
together. But I can't fuckin' stand to see them with X-Pac!
Wonder what they did to deserve a fate like that?
h) Linda: For wanting a divorce. She looked the other way for
years while her sleazy husband was boinking bimbos (bimbi) and
now that he's involved with a man, she wants out?
Good stuff:
1) Taker's powerbomb of Paul (the-other) Wight (meat).
Impressive! Who else could lift all that weight? Of course if
he can lift *that*, then he coulda lifted his ride off his leg,
and lifted HHH (chair and all) off his neck...
2) Taker dropping the "No Dumping Allowed" sign on Shmo, then
later holding it. I guess Big Show is now Big Dump. (Better
call Roto-Rooter...) I still wish we could've seen someone
*else* do a run-in to help Lame, such as Captain Ahab, maybe.
3) Heyman's JR imitation
4) Sign: "Brown Nose 3:16"
5) The possiblitiy of JR going to WCW
6) Raven's refusal of RTC membership
7) Lita kicking Steph's fat ass (even though she "paid" for it
at the hands of Steph's husband, HHH, and future mother-in-law,
Austin)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of big dumps, bald women,
and men with leg braces...)
FuckWad of the Week Award: April 16, 2001
RAW is a Vince info-mercial. But wait! There's more! If you
order now, he'll throw in his "secrets for plastic hair" too.
If anyone knows a normal guy named Vince, e-mail me and tell me
about him. I'm conVINCEd that everyone with that name is a
fat-ass, obnoxious loser. I know 3 Vinces and if I had to
choose between any of them or McMahon, it would be a tough
choice since they all suck.
The following all deserve a FuckWad Award this week:
1) Sable, I mean Debra: Who can tell the difference anymore?
Same hair, same plastic surgery, same annoying voice, same
loser husbands....
2) Austin: Just what every woman wants in a man...loud,
controlling, and abusive. It was funny as shit seeing little
Matt Hardy beating up on Steve, followed by Steve-o's tantrum
to HHH.
3) Rhino: He's one of the very few former ECW'ers I can't
stand.
4) Edge & Christian: Every gay man watching RAW on Monday night
was picturing himself in red or pink, just like E & C.
Christian's tights were the same color as my dog's butt-hole.
Is that supposed to be a subliminal message?
5) Big Holly/Little Holly: Big, for his gay purple shorts
(must've borrowed them from "Mr. Ass") and Little, for his
poorly imitated "Acid Drop". Leave that one to Spike Dudley,
PeeWee. Spike's little too, but at least he's cool.
6) Jeff Hardy: The hairnet makes a real fashion statement. It
says: "I work at Dunkin' Donuts" or "I'm a lunch-lady at the
local school district" or even "I work at Hardy's". Since I
quit watching Smackdown, and only look for the word
"Undertaker" when reading the spoilers, I had no idea that
Ronald McDonald Jr. had the Eye-See belt!
7) X-Pac: The new entrance theme sucks, and he's killing the
careers of Justin & Albert. Can't they get rid of the leech
already?
8) Lawler Junior: Somebody needs to tell him that *nobody*
talks like that in real life.
9) McMahon Junior: Maybe if we're lucky, he'll disappear till
WCW starts up again.
10) Big Show: For adding on to his tiger tat each week. How
much longer till we see the finished picture...the entire front
of a box of "Frosted Flakes". Talk about a "walking billboard".
11) RTC: Ready To Change gimmicks. Maybe they could all be
clowns? Vampires? How about transexuals?
12) Kane: for leaving his lifts back in the locker room. Notice
how much taller Bull was? And Steven was about eye-to-eye with
Xerox. And no, it wasn't the camera angle.
13) BenOYt: For the purple tights, which really called
attention to his little stubby legs.
14) Regal & Angle: Whygle don'tgle theygle move to Vermont and
get married? They're just so...right...for each other.
15) XFL: who gives a shit?
16) Billy OneGun: He seems lost without his boyfriend, Road
Dogg. Here's a FuckWad for Raodie too, even though he's no
longer a part of WWF. I can't believe he "sold" himself on
ebay. Wonder who bought him (and what they plan to do with
him)?
17) The 3 Amigos: Malenko, Guerrero and Saturn-o. I thought
"midget wrestling" was a thing of the past?
18) The Marilyn Manson/ UT&Kane vignette: Seeing Taker is
always a good thing, but seeing him with his red-reject
co-worker and hearing that shitty music was *not* a good thing.
19) Tak & Funak: For spending too much time jumping on "The big
bouncy", causing it to turn into "The Big Shmo." If you've
never had the opportunity to jump on one of those things at a
carnival...do it! It's fun (and you can always pretend you're
jumping on Paul Wight...urp)
I can't get impressed over a double-chokeslam when the people
being slammed are no bigger than the slammer's arms. Now if he
did that with Rikishi and Mark Henry, I'd be impressed.
20) Trish: Check out the w-i-d-e part on her head (along with
the dark roots)
21) Regal (againgal): for banning Matt ret-Hard-y from ringside
as son-of-Ronald was defending his bay-elt. ("T'ain't fair!
Shucks, ah'll jist go an wait in the bayuck. Ah know Austin'll
snik up and woop mah ass....")Doan mahn me, Ah'm fixin' to go
to South Carolina in Jooly, so Ah'm tryin to loose mah
east-coast way of tawkin' and trah to tawk jist lahk a
naytive...(How'm I doing so far?)
22) JR: for his line, "Jeff Hardy's a man. He's not a woman!"
Uh, he's more of a woman than Chyna.
23) Steph: for her ugly-ass outfit.
Good(?) stuff:
uh.....
Seeing Taker was good, but he should've shown up *after* Kane
got his ass kicked.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of purple, pink, and other
gay colors...)
Kane's out shopping again.......
but his favorite store was all out of "original" and
"talented." I think Taker bought the last ones....too bad.
I received a couple more emails from my readers, and yes,
they're *real* people and they *really* did email me.
Anyway, Tracey says in the many items in Kane's kart, she
spotted Preparation H and Ora-Jel. (I have a feeling the Prep-H
is for his gums and the Ora-Jel is for his ass)
Super Saiyan Sephiroth sez this about the contents of Kane's
cart: Issues of Playgirl; Chyna's Playboy issue (Lame, you sick
fuck!); The movie "Copycat"; Massingill Extra Mild; Lady Speed
Stick; Suppositories; Ten bottles of Stacker 2; Long shaped
fruits, veggies, and because he wants his "ass" to feel a
little Greek, a bottle of Olive oil.
Thank you and keep those Kane-kart emails koming!
FuckWad of the Week Award: April 23, 2001
"I'm laughing on the inside...hyuk hyuk!"
I wonder if Kane will still be laughing when he's no longer
attached to Undertaker and has to stand on his own 2
platform-soled feet? Or when he's paired up with somebody like
X-Pac again? Time will tell...
Just for this week, I'm gaining 200 pounds, doffing a black
cowboy hat, pimping BBQ sauce, and squinting my eyes. This
week's column will be somewhat Ross-like just because I'm in a
hurry (and the longer I wait to do this, the more I forget
about what happened on the show).
The new mo-tor-cy-cle looks great! (Why don't people ever say
"motorcycle"? For the same reason nobody says "mathematics",
maybe?)
I can't bitch about the beginning of *this week's* show. All
RAW's should begin and end with Taker.
I wasn't surprised to see thumb-head and the
mother-of-all-noses come out and play musical chairs with Taker
and Lame. Notice Austin's spiffy new leg braces? Red &
black...hmmmmmm.
I think Spike deserves the Hardcore title. If crasholly (aka
PeeWee) could have it for weeks (months?) why can't Spike? I
think only former ECW guys should have it, excluding Rhino,
because he sucks.
So the RTC is losing all their matches now? And Steven will get
even more deranged, and all the members will turn on him, and
the RTC gimmick will *finally* be over. Now maybe OddFather
will be re-created as Candyman! (I keep hoping)
I was watching that segement with Big Shmo, Vince and Steph,
and thinking this bracelet I have on wouldn't even fit one of
Shmo's sausage fingers. I'll never be able to eat sausage
again....ugh!
Steph needs to go back to her K-Mart wardrobe. Her "stereotype
biker chick" image works about as well as a Connecticut snob
look would work for *me*. Then again, look at Michael
"Skank"el. I've seen cleaner, healthier looking street bums! I
wonder if he's Vinnie's neighbor? Maybe it was really a McMahon
golfclub driving balls off Martha's bleached blonde head.....
Austin could clear out a crowded building quicker than someone
yelling "Fire" with his line: "Everybody in this crowd belongs
to Stone Cold."
I'm surprised everybody didn't get up and run out.
Why are the Hardys talking? And what the fuck did Matt say? I
can understand Essa or Taka better!
Jericho's comments to ReekGall were funny. If he never wore
another foil shirt (and if he brought back Curtis "Happy"
Hughes) I might really start to like the little fella.
Shane's been forgetting to take his Stacker II. Is his match
with Show an "all you can eat" match? Now I feel sick
again...just when I started to forget about the "sausage"
comment.....
The 8-man "main event" should've been dubbed "The ONE man, 3
freak, 4 faggot" match.
(I've already got so many people pissed off at me for talking
shit about "their men", I might as well not hold back!)
About Slingblade, I mean "Backlash" (and did you notice the
little spikes they put in the blade this time?):
If Taker and Kane win, who gets "the" belt and who gets the
Eye-See belt? I have an easy solution...just give *all* the
belts to Taker!
Cenny
(Back next week in regular format....)
-----------------------------------------------
I guess I'd better put down my ppv predictions now, even though
I'm not wasting my money on this month's "epic":
SkankHo Steph will "distract" the ref and HHH/Austin will win.
That way, they each keep their belts and get the tag-team belts
too. However, something will happen to piss Austin off, and
he'll turn on HHH.
It'll be a close one with Shane and Show as they eat their way
through table after table of buffet (and they might even eat
Jimmy buffet too!) I predict Shmo's head will explode in the
ring and Shane will be the winner. He's a McMahon, fer
chrissakes...he *can't* lose!
The Angle/Benoit match will put everyone to sleep...zzzzzzzzz
Jericho will defeat AssClown Regal
The Dudleys will win against X-Laxtor.
FuckWad of the Week Award: April 30, 2001
RAW is Waaaah (complete with extensive whining)
This week's FuckWad Award is presented to the fudge-packer
trio: Vinnie; Hogan, uh, Hunter; and Austin. Think of the
unfortunate soul with Austin's bald head, H's nose, and Vince's
beady vulture eyes and chin (including the blow-hole in the
center!) Not a pleasant sight, is it? Now that I've made you
all sick, let's continue...
The Undertaker possesses 4,000,000,000,000 things that *they*
don't, but I'll only list 4:
1) talent
2) self-respect
3) balls
4) heterosexuality
If you three can keep your hands off each other long enough to
accept your award, here it is. Now go back to what you were
doing (and I don't want to know what *that* is!)
MiniWads to:
A) Turd Dangle (Kurt): for whining about his loss the previous
night, whining about Benoit-Fudd stealing his medals, and for
the pink shirt with the words "I'll make you tap out" on it.
Gay male viewers are squealing with excitement and grabbing
their AmEx cards in their baby-soft hands to place an order at
"ShopZone".
B) The Gaynadians (Edge & Christian): for whining about thier
loss. Christine gets an extra wad for his Mohair
(hair-of-the-Mo)sunglasses. Looks like he's been borrowing
accessories from Elton again.
C) Any male wearing purple or pink (including hair-color)
D) The bone-y jabroni (X-Pac): for being constantly shoved in
our faces, while guys like Gangrel have virtually disappeared
from Monday night tv. Watching "Yecch-Pac" in the ring with
Spike made me wonder when the WWF spin-doctors will quit
billing him as over 6 feet tall and weighing more than 200
pounds. These two are practically the same height, and Spike
looks like he weighs more. I saw him up close at an ECW show a
couple years ago and he's about 5'6", so I guess X is about
5'7" and 145 pounds.....
E) SlutPhoney (Steph): for whining about her lumpy face (a
major improvement, I thought). Also, for telling Testes that he
*wished* he'd wake up to her every morning. Nah...he wishes
he'd wake up to Shane every morning. Hey....that explains his
constant undeserved push.
F) Shame (Shane): for hogging valuable air time on a ppv. When
somebody falls 30 feet onto concrete or a table (like Foley),
that's impressive. When the boss's portly son falls onto a
10-foot thick safety mat, that's *not* impressive.
G) Those 2 anorexic, shirtless geeks wearing Haku wigs in the
front row. (Oh...those *weren't* wigs?) There's just something
about that Holocaust survivor look, huh? As I write this, some
other woman, somewhere else on-line, is writing about those
"cute" guys in the front row....barf! I'll never understand how
some women can drool over Taker and then add that some total
scrub is "hot" too....Saturn? Mideon? X-Pac? Hogan? Oy!
H) The 10pm McMahon yak-fest: I seriously thought about taking
my dog for a walk then. Watching him take a shit is more
entertaining than watching McMahons on tv. Didn't Vince say he
was "impotent"? Well, his girlfriends, HHH & Austin will
"stiffen" him up.....
I) Linda: (aka Princess Di at age 55) That theme music is
awful! At first, I thought it was a new gay-tune for
HHH/Austin. She really should dye her eyebrows to match her
hair, or shave them off and draw them on (like Trish & Debra).
The only *good* thing she had to say was that Austin would
defend his title against Taker.
J) AssStain: for whining to Vince about
it....waaaah-fuckin'-waaaah. The "toughest s.o.b. in the WWF"??
Bwaahhaaaaa
K) The wardrobe department: they need new material. Big Holly
had the same lavender tights as Benoit did the night before. I
think they *were* the same ones, since Benwaah's legs are only
about 10" long. The garment district in NYC must've had a "hot"
deal on lavender and pink material. Speaking of new material,
the storyline script writers are in dire need too.
L) Hare-Lip (Test): for being shown backstage practicing for
his tryout with The Rockettes.
M) The Test/HHH match: for not having the stipulation that the
loser gets Steph (and syphillis too!)
N) JR (The bbq-ueen): for marking out during the above match.
O) Trish & Chyna (The battling bimbi): for their match. An
extra wad to Big Chy for taking the mic and saying this to
Lita: "Let'th do it...but don't be thurprithed if your heiney
ith thore the nextht day." Ewww, you da man, Chyna! (and I mean
that literally)And I just realized where that surplus of purple
& pink material is coming from...her new costumes!
P) HHH (Aardvark/AntEater): for relying on his trusty
sledge-hammer to stop Taker from hurting Steve-O.
Q) AwfulStin: for low-blowing Taker. Oooh...impressive move.
Good Stuff:
1) Spike jumping on X-Pac's scrawny stomach. It woulda been
more fun for him to jump on "the big bouncy"...Big Shmo.
2) Jericho assaulting Regal with the garbage can. Talk about a
flimsy can! Next time, better get a Rubbermaid.
3) Lillian Diarreah's interview with Taker.
4) Heyman's line: "Look at Kane, sticking his mashed nose where
it doesn't belong."
5) Taker shadow-boxing backstage.
6) The thunderous pop for Undertaker, followed by a smattering
of weak applause when Austin's name was announced.
7) Seeing Austin "keep rollin', rollin' rollin" down the ramp,
after being slugged by Taker.
8) Seeing Kane get the brunt of the attack from HHH & Austin,
instead of the usual "victim", Taker.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the butt-fuck trio) Back to FuckWads Archives
Want to e-mail Cenny? Use egzakto@charter.net Back to the Crypt
