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May 2001-
FuckWad of the Week Award: May 7, 2001
This week's FuckWad Award is presented to the security guard
who let that nameless fan sneak past him and try to climb into
the ring. The guard then tried to save face by pulling the
crazed fan off the ring apron and presumably ejecting him from
the arena. I think the wrestler-wannabe should've been allowed
to step through the ropes, just to see what he'd do. Maybe he
wanted Foley's autograph? Maybe he wanted to kill Vince, Steph,
or Regal? Maybe he just wanted to ask Rikishi where he bought
that pink suit? Now we'll never know.....
MiniWads to the following:
a) Mick Foley - for pimping his new book, which comes out
today. What a coincidence that he'd be on RAW last night. Now I
like Mick and I'm sure his second autobiographical tome is just
as good as his first one, but.....he's one of the rare
exceptions: a wrestler who can actually write well, and has
lots of interesting things to say. Unfortunately,
Vinnie-the-chin only sees dollar signs and encourages a bunch
of other wrestlers to write *their* books, most of which are
worse than a cheesy Danielle Steele novel, and just as
over-priced. (cough..Chyna's book...cough)
b) Steph - for that awful, whiney voice, as she berated Rikishi
in the ring.
c) Bradshaw - for not complaining enough to get a new ring
costume. He's another one I actually like, but those "Acolyte"
pants have gotta go!
d) JR - for asking "where in the hell is Angle going?" Now that
question would make sense if RAW was in California last night,
but duh...it was in New York. So we can assume that Waaangle
was headed to WWF-NY for a hot date with Benwah-Fudd.
e) ERC & EHH - Edge/Rhino/Chritian vs Eddie/Hardy/Hardy match.
And trying not to gag at 6 strange looking males in the ring
all at once, I was making noises that sounded a lot like "ERC"
and "EHH".
f) Austin - for ripping Taker's ear at the UK ppv. Don't give
me that "it was an accident" speech....it's AssStain's
responsibility to make sure his polio braces are properly
buckled before a match.
g) Regal/Jericho/cage match - I think Regal should've been left
in there and tossed over the Brooklyn Bridge (hey, they were in
New York....)
h) Austin's interview - yawn.....doesn't even compare to
Taker's! He'll "take Undertaker's skin and take it from his
behind..." Typical redneck response.
i) Chyna - for talking. She liketh to be thpanked. Ewww, that's
more than I wanted to know.
j) Kurt - for being stood-up by his date at WWF-NY. Awww, too
bad.
k) The Austin/Rikishi match - how can a 500 pound man fall
victim to that lame little "stunner"? And why is Rikishi
getting such a big push again?
Good Stuff:
1) The show opening with a Taker recap. Who could ever get
tired of watching him toss Austin through the window or get out
of the driver's seat of the ambulance to kick the gimpy
redneck's ass some more?
2) Sign: "Stone Cold sux Vince" You'd never have seen a sign
like that a couple years ago.
3) Jerry Lynn getting a decent spot in the WWF, instead of
having to job for a year (to guys like X-Crap)
4) The Dudleys finally getting to defeat "X-Factor"
5) No Kane
6) The billion-dollar bitch getting the "stink-face". That's
punishment for those awful vinyl pants (which were too short,
as always) and that too-short top that exposed pudgy waist skin
(urrrp)
7) Taker's little speech, complete with the tongue-click at the
end.
I wonder how Austin-skin boots would hold up, compared to, say,
ostrich-skin ones? I like the Ed Gein-Taker. To learn more
about Ed and his tips on fashion and interior decorating go to:
http://www.houseofhorrors.com/gein.htm
It's back! JR's Weekly Verbal FuckUps:
JR said this (during the ERC/EHH match): "His brother Rhino!
Uh..Rhino took the gore and uh..." Fortunately, we were saved
by Heyman jumping in and covering up.
Cenny
(hoping to rid the Wrestling World of whiney, bald rednecks)
It's Spring concert/Spring musical time. Who cares? Well, when
you work as a piano tuner and accompanist it means you have no
life away from hundreds of pimply adolescents singing their
little hearts out, while their parents beam with pride in the
audience. It means late nights made even later by going out to
drink and complain with other people in the same business. In
short, it means....no RAW.
Judging from the way the WWF's been lately, that's no great
loss. From what I've read about Monday's show, it doesn't sound
like I missed much. Sara in a car accident? Her face mangled?
Uh...wasn't it already mangled?
Is that the best the writers could come up with? Couldn't
Austin send someone to tell Taker that his house burned down or
some crack-head stole his bike? Why bring "the wife" into it?
Ugh!
It's horrible to contemplate, but maybe (and it's not likely,
but we have to look at *every* possibility) Taker is suffering
from Lawleritis, that incurable disease that strikes a man in
the WWF. Symptoms include wanting to bring your "real life"
spouse into the WWF and incorporate her into storylines, even
thought she's not a wrestler and it takes time away from the
*real* wrestlers.
The "non-wrestler skanky woman" role has already been
filled...by Steph(who doesn't appear to be stepping aside any
time soon) but there's always room for another one, as we can
all see by the roster of females in the WWF (with the exception
of Lita and Molly; Even Jackie and Tori are "wrestlers" but
there's no room on tv for them...not really a bad thing)
Other than Taker, or an occasional ECW alumni, I can't get
excited about wrestling anymore. I don't get the "free-p-v"'s
but I *could* buy them if I really wanted to. But they've been
so lame and disappointing lately that I don't want to waste my
money.
I'm not giving it up completely, but I can't guarantee a weekly
column anymore. Actually, if I follow this format, I probably
can! But we just might be seeing an end to the weekly FuckWad
award (since I either can't watch RAW every week or I just
don't want to) Anyway, we'll see what happens.......
Getting back to the Sara/accident angle, I've read scathing
comments from outraged viewers, comparing it to the Owen Hart
incident. Huh? I don't see the connection....maybe I'm missing
something here. Maybe Sara was just "hanging around" the arena
and fell from the ceiling?
Uh-oh, now I'll get illiterate hate mail about my
insensitivity. I'll save that person the trouble of writing it
and write it myself right now: "howcan u say that about
Udertaykrs wife u bich your just jellus"
Don't write to me if you can't spell...I don't speak "dumfuk."
We all know about Taker's injured ear and due to his main event
match at this Sunday's ppv (which I won't be buying) he
probably needs to be careful with his ear until then. But
couldn't the writers come up with something better? Let's
see.....He could get arrested! (been done to death) Uh...he
could be kidnapped! (nah...) What about bringing in Paul
Bearer? (been done)
Isn't that writer still employed by the WWF? I mean the one who
wrote the story-line featuring Bossman stealing Shamu's "dad's
casket" and driving off with it. Now *that* was tasteless and
entertaining as hell. Why not something crazy, sick, and
original? Who's writing the storylines, anyway? Steph? No
wonder the show sucks!
Maybe next month's ppv can have a main event of Debra vs Sara
titled: Balding Bleached Bimbos OR Revenge of the Ring-Rats OR
I Married Me a 'Rassler(who was still in diapers when I
graduated from High School) Just think of the buy-rate!
Cenny
The response to my last column was overwhelming. Even though
I've written back to everyone who wrote to me, I still want to
thank all of you again. I'll keep writing if you keep reading
(and sometimes it won't be all that funny) but it's still
better than 99% of other heel columns out there.....
I was able to sit through 75% of the show. Around 10:30, the
"crayola" match (starring the 2 gay couples: Eddie/Jeff &
Edge/Chris) was hurting my eyes, so I quit watching. The
screaming-green of Jeff's shirt and Chris's pants, along with
the purple hair on Son-of-Ronald (McDonald) was just too
annoying to watch.
All I know about the last half-hour of the show is what I've
read on "newsboards." HHH was injured when he slipped on (pick
one): confetti;
snot; Taker's chew; jism.
HHH injured his (pick one): nose; leg; testicles.
He'll be out of action for (pick one): a week; a month; till
Chyna writes a sequel to her book.
Let's just say this is all true, and Aardvark will be gone for
awhile. Will Taker carry the show? Yep. Will he be rewarded
with a long title-reign? Not a chance!
Here's some Wad-worthy moments from what I *did* see:
1) Austin: For opening the show with a long boring monologue,
refusing to give Taker a rematch. If things had gone the other
way at the ppv, Austin would've come out and demanded a
rematch, whining about being screwed out of the title. The good
thing about all this was hearing the "Austin sucks" chants and
seeing signs like these:
"Stone Cold- Hero to Zero- Loser" and "Stone Cold Sucker."
I was hoping the she-male in the front row would come into the
ring and kick Austin's ass, but no such luck. Jericho was
right...Austin *is* a bigger slut than Stephanie.
2) Benoit: He forgot to tiptoe to the ring, look into the
camera, and whisper "Shhhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting
wednecks."
3) HHH: for all the whining he and his butt-buddy did to Vince.
4) Kurt: for his American Flag outfit and his Olympic
re-enactment. He's got the kind of body where nothing he wears
looks good...especially patterns. Waaaangle has the distinction
of being the Weepiest Man on tv. Even Michael Landon, who cried
every week on "Little House on the Prairie", didn't come close!
5)Big Shmo & Rhino: Hardcore, my ass! Rhino couldn't even toss
a foil garbage can into the ring. Too heavy, maybe? Shmo still
gets winded after 30 seconds of exertion, and the giant sized
pie tins (aka garbage can lids) are lame.
6) Terri: for wasting good beer. I wonder what her daughter
thinks about mom's acting ability? *hisss* We've heard about
the shows "When animals attack", "When swarms attack", etc. So
now the WWF is featuring "When midgets with big heads attack."
Oooh! Scary!!
7) Saturn: for his drag-queen outfit he wore to the ring. I
thought the "eye focusing" scene was hella funny, though. The
odds of Saturn's eyes "focusing" in tandem are about as good as
the odds of Austin performing a craniotomy in front of a dozen
of the world's best brain surgeons, while they look on in
awe....
8) Regal: for being caught on camera, trying to pick up a male
prostitute. Too bad Austin had to ruin the moment, when he came
looking for his bleached, balding grandma, Debra. Then Reekgall
has to imply that *maybe* she was abducted by Taker. Ha! He's
already got himself a bleached, balding ring-rat. Why does he
need another one? Matched set, maybe?
9) X-Pac and his bald girlfriends: No, *not* Sara &
Debra...Albert and Justin! Is it my imagination, or is X
getting even skankier? He looks like a young Arlo Guthrie,
except Arlo has talent. Whoever wrote the X theme deserves a
big FuckWad, too.
10) Shane: for his gay entrance music (must've been the same
composer) and for the little piece of paper stuck to his
forehead. Now that was wad-worthy! So was the "Admiral" look
sported by Angle, when there was a piece of that little paper
stuck to both of his shoulders...one on each side. I pities the
foo who had to clean all that paper up.
11) Mr. and Mrs. "double wahd" deserve a "double wad" for their
conversation. Hearing the Austins talk makes my eye twitch.
"Ah wuz lookin' all over fer yew!"
"Wall, Ah wuz gittin' cawfee."
After the big bad UT left, Steve-O was all macho. "Ah coulda
whupped his ass but Ah din't wanna put yew in daynjer." Awww...
ain't he a thoughtful husband?
Ah think Awstin should git hisself another FuckWad fer his fahn
actin' ability, don' yew?
12) Whoever started the Molly/Spike storyline: She'd make a
great Dudley, but of course the writers will somehow fuck this
up. They'll have Spike join the Hollys and get a buzz-cut, then
we won't be able to tell him and Crash apart...sigh.
13) Vince: for telling Angle "I want to hear that snap,
crackle, and pop!" You've got 2 options here, Vinnie. One: pour
yourself a bowl of Rice Krispies. Two: get "Sara" to walk past
you a few times. That slow-roasted crispy skin will give you
the sounds you're looking for.
Ever see those folk-art dolls with faces made from dried
apples? They're all shrivelled and wrinkled. Well, that's what
too much sun exposure does to a person's face. Hmmm....
Uh-oh, time to write myself a hate-mail for the above comments.
I'll save the "disgusted fan" the trouble of doing it herself,
since she's probably really busy getting ready to go shopping
at WalMart.
"how can u say that about sara u r prolly rinkelled and old an
jelluz. i think u r a big hairy lezbeen to!!!"
There....now she won't have to write me (but I hope she still
does, so I can share it with my readers!)
One more thing...why does Austin keep saying "My name is Stone
Cold Steve Austin..." He needs to add the next line: "...and
I'm an alcoholic." Maybe he's practising for his next AA
meeting.
Cenny
Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of the wife angle and the
kurt angle....
Time to hand out FuckWads:
1) Vince: even though he got a "new" suit jacket, he still
looks like a used-car salesman. The Slammy footage was more
entertaining. "Vinnie Vegas" did his lounge lizard act, along
with Hulk Hogan,who pretended to play a guitar in the
background.
2) JR: for his dumb-ass remark, comparing Vince to Tom Jones.
However, JR did *not* say "Tom". I think he said "Jim"
Jones....
I was hoping to see another Jonestown, as Vince passed out
cyanide-laced cups of KoolAde to the audience and urged them to
"drink up."
3) Howard Finkle: for introducing "The first family of
wrestling...The Harts!" All I saw was about 50 grandchildren
and a couple of adults. I also saw the patriarch, Stu, looking
like he's well into the later stages of Ahlzheimer's.
4) Jericho: for wearing his foil shirt in honor of Memorial Day
(the official start of "grill" season for those of us in colder
climates)
5) X-Pac/Justin: for looking more like brothers than the Hardys
do.
Maybe they *are* brothers, and were separated at birth.
Conjoined twins, maybe?
6) Matt Hardy: for wearing his Freddy Kreuger shirt, but
forgetting the fred-fingers that complete the look. Just think,
with those blades on his fingers, he could've gutted X-Pac, to
the delight of all the viewers (except maybe Pat Patterson)
7) Eddie: for saving his purple-haired girlfriend from Albert.
8) Trish/Terri: Trish tells Terri she doesn't have to "worry
about her, period." Well of course not! Women Terri's age don't
get periods anymore...duh.
9) The "butt-beast" Rhyno: too many reasons to list
10) Saturn: for trying to recycle Droz's old outfits. We also
saw another futile attempt at "eye focusing" after Lance
(Shane's new love) bounced Saturn's bald head off the mat.
11) Shane: for embracing Lance out by the limo (awww)
12) Kane: for being "the voice" in the Ringus Rattus segment. I
was waiting for him to continue by asking her "What's your
favorite scary movie?"
13) The whole HHH injury footage: Yes it's real, and yes, I
admire him for finishing the match but.....
He's not the first wrestler to get hurt and continue his match.
He's also not the first one to be out of action for awhile. Was
that *really* footage of his surgery, or was it just a clip
from the Learning Channel show, "The Operation"?
14) Steph: for her teary-eyed concern while viewing the above
mentioned surgical proceedure on a tv monitor. Does the boss's
daughter attend every wrestler's surgery? Did she attend Big
Show's liposuction? I think not.....
15) Austin: for almost losing his trunks while up on the
turnbuckle (ugh!) and for having to win the match, too.
16) JR (again): for his bellowing and marking out. Here's a
weekly verbal fuck-up from good ol' JR too:
"Benoit!!! He's in his home state!!!"
Duh...the "state" of Canada is even bigger than Texas!
JR also bellowed "Austin is a man who just screwed Benoit!!!"
I think he should go back to just yelling "Stone Cold!!! Stone
Cold!!!".
The best sign of the night (or any night, for that matter) was
"The Rattle-Chicken", showing a photo of Austin's head attached
to a drawing of a chicken. The chicken-words, "bok bok" were
also shown coming from Austin's mouth. Nice!
I was happy to see the "Japanese Buzz Saw", Tajiri, too. I hope
his talent won't be wasted as Regal's "office boy". Well,
that's the writers for ya...although the Spike & Molly angle is
entertaining. (Stupid, but entertaining)
Cenny
Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Ringus Rattus....