Cenny's FUCKWAD of the Week awards

June 2001-

Fuckwad of the Week Award: June 4, 2001

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE FUCKWAD OF THE WEEK COLUMN
e-STAB-lished June 7, 1999
~~celebrating two whole years of Wad-worthy moments in the WWF~~

This week's FuckWad Award is presented to:
Steve Waaaaaustin
Did anyone count how many times he whined, "Mah back is killin' me" ?
What a man! He even made his wife carry his bag, despite her protests
of "Stayuhv, it's hayvee!" Well, no heavier than the 20 pound implants
she lugs around.

MiniWads to the following:
a) JR: for his comment about Edge ("He has pretty hair.") Also, for
raving about Kane's "agility." What's so great about jumping off the
top of the turnbuckle onto the ring? It's not like he copies Jeff
Hardy. The purple-haired homo might be gay, but he's certainly
"agile."

b) The WCW invasion: Hugh who? Who the fuck is Hugh and why should I
care? Just like the WWF assumed everyone was a football fan and would
embrace the XFL (ha!), I guess they assume everyone watched WCW too.

c) Mick Foley: for pimping his book. If it's doing so well on the NYT
Best seller list, why is he shilling it?

d) Jessie Ventura: seeing those matching holes in his and Vince's chin
reminded me of a golf course. Maybe that's their inflation point and
if we poke at it, they'll deflate like a balloon.

e) The Trish/Foley segment: Do we really need to see (again) how
mentally dim she is?

f) Angle: for his shirt. "I make take-out"? "I'm not male"? If he's
going to wear a message shirt, the camera-man needs to get a
full-frontal shot. On second thought, maybe not.

g) The Hollys: for wearing matching shorts made from old X-Pac
costumes. I'm all for recycling, but this is going too far!

h) Big Show: for bellowing like a castrated bull while having his
oversized head squeeeeezed by Benoit. Checking to see if it was ripe,
maybe? I noticed Shmo's hand was between his opponent's legs. Couldn't
he have retaliated by giving the "benwah-balls" a little squeeze in
return?

i) The Bimbi match: That was a "walk-the-dog" moment for me. Too bad
when I came back in, the match wasn't over yet. In fact, I was just in
time to see Sara disrobing in the ring. Oh...that was Saturn. Getting
hard to tell the difference.

j) Chyna: for loaning her bra to Saturn

k) The "big surprise": if Foley was guest-reffing the Austin/Jericho
match (*that* was the surprise??) then why was Earl Hebner in the
ring, too?

l) Regal: for getting involved in the above match. What was the point
of that? And how long will Tajiri be portrayed as a wimp who sucks up
to Regal and is terrified of Angle? He could easily kill either one of
them in a match. Will we ever get to see that?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

We saw more R.R. tv (Ringus Rattus tv)including a dog hosing off
another dog. Let's take a closer look at the dog (the 4-legged one).
I know dogs like a man with dirty fingernails knows cars. Big head, no
neck....it was a malenkhound! Uh, maybe a benoiterrier? Seriously, it
was a mastiff. Ever see one as a puppy? If not, go to:
http://www.sagidogs.com and scroll down to the puppy picture. Now take
a close look at that wrinkled black face on that big head and tell me
who it reminds you of. That's right....Kane. Does this mean Kane is
the stalker? Either him or Rhyno (due to the "animal" reference)
While it's always good to see Taker on tv, his little in-ring speech
was strange. Maybe he could have a "buried alive" match with this
angle? How about a flush-this-script-down-the-toilet match?
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of cross-dressers)

FuckWad of the Week Award: June 11, 2001

RAW is bizarre bald men......
I don't know what the so-called writers have in mind for Planet
Ugly (Saturn) but "You're welcome" is getting as lame as
"Indeed".
Waaaaustin was up to his usual tantrums, and the hug with his
girlfriend, Vince, was especially disturbing. It was a homoment
I wish I would've missed. Also, Steve's demonstration of how to
eat vegetables was enough to turn me against broccoli and
carrots for the rest of my life.
Other wad-worthy moments include:
1) The footage at the beginning of the show. Was there a full
moon Monday night? (The red(neck) moon)
2) Linda: another McMahon packing on the pork. Do they just sit
around and eat all day or what? Also, why do they wear such
ugly clothes?
3) Patterson: for *not* being on the show. I wanted to hear him
talk about the "tribble tret match" ("I wouldn't do dat
dink...")
4) The way Tajiri is being treated. If all former ECW guys have
to go through a "get shit on by everybody else" period, why
didn't Rhyno?
5) Shane: for even suggesting (to Kane)
the-rain-in-Spain-falls-mainly-on-the-plain...uh, for even
suggesting that Angle might be the stalker.
6) Heyman: for telling JR: "Angle looks really good in a tux,
doesn't he?" If I drew tiny ears on a box and dressed it in a
tux we'd get the same result.
7) The "hotel" footage: showing the stalker going through
Billy* Gunn's room. Did we *really* need to see that WalMart
underwear? ewwwww
*note: ever since Road Dogg left, I haven't made fun of Billy.
But please feel free to substitute *any other* name there.
8) The above scene (again): sales must be down for Colgate
toothpaste. Now every time I see it in a store, I'll think of
it as "taker-toothpaste." (and I won't buy it because it's not
my regular brand...) What's with the cheap-ass make-up, too? It
didn't look like Lancome to me....more like Maybelline (ugh!)
7) Saturn: for the close-up of his cellulite-ridden bald head.
Was anyone else thinking about grabbing an orange during the
next commercial break?
8) Whoever decided to put Trish with Blackman. Poor guy....he
must've really pissed off the suits to be punished like that!
9) Recycled X-Pac costumes: now even Molly is wearing the old
"DX" colors.
Stuff that wasn't all that good, but didn't suck, either:
a) The continuing saga of Spike and Molly
b) Angle's comments to Taker re the wife: "I only met her once
and I didn't even like her. I didn't find her attractive..."
c) Sign: "Vince's two sluts: Stephanie and Stone Cold"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Austin's bare ass...)

FuckWad of the Week Award: June 18, 2001

The stalker has been revealed. It's none other than....Mr. T!
("Ah pities da foo who think he da big dog inda yard. Stop yo jibbah-jabbah,foo!")
Just kidding....it's really Pat Patterson!
("Undadagah, I wouldn't do dat dink but I wanna go afder da biggestdick...uh, I mean dog...in da yahd!")
I would've liked it if either of those 2 were the stalker, but no suchluck.
Here's 4 *good* things about DDP:
1) People can't bitch that we've "seen this feud a hundred times already!"
2) People can't bitch about Taker having to "put over a new guy."
Granted, DDP is new to the WWF, but even people like me, who neverfollowed WCW, know who he is.
3) We won't have to suffer through any more "stalker t.v." segments.
4) At least it wasn't Vince!
And now, the 4 *bad* things about DDP:
1) Comments from the 12-year old 'net reporters about that "old man,Taker" fighting with that "older old man, DDP."
2) People bitching because the stalker wasn't "__________"
(insert any of a hundred possibilities here)
3) Sara vs Kim (barf) or the wives tag-teaming with their husbands(gag)
4) Vince (or in this case, Shane) being behind all this.
No matter what, people will complain about this. I'll hold off complaining till I see an actual match between these two.
On to the FuckWads:
a) Whoever was holding up the sign: "Undertaker needs a bath."
They forgot to add "but X-Pac needs one a lot more" For some reason,X-Pac always reminds me of b.o., fried food, and stale bong water.
b) Austin: for trying to sound like HHH in the ring ("Uhhhhhhh!!!")
Either that or he was imitating Big Show's big shit from Smackdown. Also, for showing his "manliness" by beating up on Molly. (If *she's* abimbo, wtf is Debra?)
c) Kane: we know he wanted all those cheap-ass toys for himself, but wouldn't it have made more sense to tip the machine over? I forgot...thisis the WWF. Nothing makes sense there!
d) The whole Ringus Rattus montage, including Taker in the Stratus cowboy hat! Ball caps, doo rags, even a knitted cap...but a cowboy hat? When Sara went in search of the Skill, couldn't she have found another Skill instead? Like *acting* skill?
e) The "218" conspiracy: Lillian Diarreah announces Jeff HardyAND Tajiri as "weighing 218 pounds." I think she means "together".
f) DDP: Those eyes take in more peripheral vision than both Edge and Saturn put together! Maybe it's a thyroid problem...
g) Vince: for the "fairy nice" oufit he was wearing. I saw thatsame shirt in a women's clothing store.
h) X-Pac & Justin: the "denim" twins! Justin looked like hisECW-self, but X-Pac looked like an anorexic Godwin brother.
I quit watching at this point, so I didn't see the main event. Doesn't sound like I missed much, though. Although seeing Austintap out would've been enjoyable!
Who will win KOTR? Who cares? My guess is Edge. Even though he's still part of a tag-team, so was Billy Gunn when he won a couple years ago (and as Billy has proven to us...winning KOTR don't mean shit)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of cowboy hats!)

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