|
|
September-
Sept. 6, 1999
If there's one sight more horrible than a woman with facial hair, it's a man with W.C.S. otherwise known as the dreaded Woman's Chest Syndrome. So, this week's award is presented to:
Bradshaw aka "Bra"Shaw, one half of the "Asshole"ites. Now we all know Pat Patterson has a bigger pair, but since he's old (and gay),we'll overlook him and concentrate on Bra-Shaw. instead.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) A shirt (which I wish he'd remove and give to you instead)
2) a "man" chest (and whatta chest it is...muhhhhh)
3) self respect
OK, so it's only 3 things. It was just Labor Day weekend andI'm still suffering from softening of the brain (Let's hear Chyna say "Thtillthuffering from thofening...")
Mini-Fuck Wads also go to the following:
a) HHH: (Did he say "I am the DAME"??) for being unable to win a match without the help of his boyfriend, Chyna.
b) Billy Ass: for showing us that "He got GUM". We'reall very impressed. Now can you puh-leeeze chew it with your lipless mouth closed??
c) Tori and Ivory: for their wonderful "aim". Out of every 10 objects they threw at each other, at least, uh, ONE objecthit the Bimbo target.
d) Jerry Lawler: for screaming "What's That??" when Tori threw a box of Tampax at Ivory. They're cotton cigarettes, ya dumb fuck! Here...light one up.
e) The Rock: For his constant reference to Taker's "MickeyMouse" tattoos. Hey tough guy...I notice YOU only have one, ya bigbaby!
f) Terri Runnels: for her "excellent taste" in men. First Meat and now the Fat-ass Possee...Does she know how to pick 'em or what? (urp...)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of men with bigger tits than me!)
September 13, 1999
This week's award is presented to:
GodFather (Odd-Fodder) for cheesy gimmicks, among other things.
The idiotic script writers sat around and said "We have this big blackman, so what do we do with him? Hey, I know! A big scarey voo-doo character...nah, been there already. Hey! I know...a pimp!" Well, what's a pimp without his ho's? (*hissssss*)
So they find the skankiest women available, looking like they recently gave birth (note the saggy chests and flabby stomachs...hey, Bradshaw would be good in that angle!) They also make sure they recruit women who have never worn shoes with a heel over 1" and don't let them practice walking in these shoes till it's show-time and they wobble down the ramp...
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) His shoes don't need to throw a party and invite his pantsdown...yours DO!
2) His sunglasses are cool. Yours look like they were borrowed from a participant in the Gay Pride parade.
3) He knows large men look best in black, not screaming neon colors.
4) He found his perfect gimmick as soon as he joined the WWF. You're still searching for yours...How about "Candyman"? Wouldn't you be happier in a big long coat (the "Uncle Fester" type) with a hook in your hand? Imagine opening your coat like a flasher to your opponent and watching him being covered with thousands of bees....cool...especially if your opponent was Austin!
Mini-Fuckwads this week are awarded to:
a) HHH ("I am the DAME!") and Vince McMahon for most hideous facial expressions
b) Linda McMahon just for being on the show (Anybody besides me think she looks like an "old" Princess Di?)
c) Brisco and Patterson for talking (especially Patterson, or as he would say "Badahzun")
Somebody please hire a voice coach for these two!! (and Chyna too)
d) Big Bossman (aka Bonzo the Dog-Faced boy) He's got a "thing"for dogs. Notice how much HE looks like one?
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of EVERYBODY, except Undertaker)
Sept 20:
This week's award is presented to:
Test (stands for "Total Embarrasment/Sucks Too")
Not only do you need more training, but you need to quit sucking up to those McMahons all the time (*hisssss*) or at least wear a nose-condom.....
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He doesn't want to be a "McMahon in-law" (Yeah, I know it's only a story, but work with me here)
2) He doesn't have beady little eyes (Ok..now I understand why Vince wants you in the family. He feels left out, being the only beady eyed person in a family of bulgey eyed ones. Just think...now there'll
be TWO of you and he won't have to be lonely anymore...awwww)
3) He couldn't be the "before" picture at the orthodontist's office....but YOU could! (See if those McMahons will pay for some braces to fix your rabbit toothed over-bite...maybe you could take the Hollys with you and get a discount)
4) He's still got even YOU beat by a mile in the Big-Schlong department.
So, Test, take your FuckWad Award and hit the road! Learn some new moves besides jumping off the top turnbuckle (yawn...even Shane can do that!) And think twice about this whole Stephanie thing...would you really want Linda and Vince for your in-laws?? ewwwwww
Mini-Wads this week are awarded to:
a) Paul Wight for not being able to work the lighter for the "Kane-Weenie-roast". And this guy is a smoker?? Who the hell lights his cigarettes for him?
b) Mick Foley for wasting his talent by hanging out with the Rock. Mankind is ten times more entertaining than Rock and needs to go solo again!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of McMahon suck-ups. You want to marry into a wrestling family, Test? Go back to Canada and see if there's any single Hart sisters...)
Unforgiven
The scriptwriters should be "unforgiven" for trying to pass off that shlock as entertainment!
They should be paying US to view that crap! Well, what can you expect from a "Taker-less" ppv? (*hisss*)
So many awards....so many deserving souls...
Let's start from the beginning:
The first FuckWad of the Month recipient is Jerry (the Squawk) Lawler. Where would any of us be right now if we ran over somebody's foot with our vehicle? In deep shit, that's where! So why was Lawler sitting on his fat ass announcing? And he has the nerve to refer to ECW as "Extremely Crappy Wrestling"!)
The second award goes to Val (Who took my penis?) Venis. Like
Double J and Billy "I-got-gum", Mr. Venis suffers from a wrestling outfit that calls attention to an area sadly lacking in packing.
The third award is for Mark Henry, who came out to the ring with 2 women(?) who were so skanky, they were even rejected for the GodFather'sho's!
Award number 4 goes to
Moohlah and Mae. Does anybody want to pay to see two ancient women in the ring? Moohlah at least looks like she still has her shit together, but I think Mae was out for the night from the Ahlzheimer ward at the local Nursing Home.
The fifth award goes to Chyna for even thinking she'd get a belt that
a lot of the men haven't even had yet. And she can share it with Double J, whose angle is almost as bad as Chaz's!
v
I have award number 6 for Stevie Richards. Awwww, how cute, he wants to be an Asshole-ite. Didn't we just see this angle awhile back with Bob Holly wanting to be "just like" Paul Wight? You need to add another 100,000 calories to your daily intake, Stevie. Growsome boobs and/or a big butt, and THEN you can be an Asshole-ite!
Number 7 goes to Ivory for thinking she's tougher than Luna. I see the start of Austin-syndrome here...somebody that sucks in the ring is hogging the belt. Next thing you know, she'll shave her head.
FuckWad of the Month also goes to "Bonzo the Dog faced Bossman" for trying to do another Hell-in-a-Cell. Maybe Al shoulda hung him, like Undertaker did! And the dogs...if there's one thing I hate, it's a short haired dog with a docked tail, which gives us a clear view of "butt-hole"...ewwww. And the handlers! More sights to make me hurl!
Speaking of sites to make me hurl, award number 9 goes to Fairy-Co. I'll admit he had a couple of good moves, but the hair, coupled with the face of his "enforcer" had me running from the room in terror. Picture Jericho's hair on Curtis's head...
My tenth award goes to NAO (No talent Ass-hOles) for being the "Fag"Team Champions of the World! Looks like Dogg's been getting the munchies a little too much lately. And as for Billy, if he spends any more time micro-waving himself, his skin will start crackling like a celophane wrapper whenever he moves.
Which brings us to the Main Event...
A large FuckWad goes to Austin for even trying to announce! Shut the fuck up and pour another beer over your face! And of course, if he can't be a contender in the main event, he still has to "steal the show" with a stunner! I can just hear Chyna talking to HHH after the show: "Authtin alwayth hath to sthteal the show with a thtunner! A thtunner!! I am tho thick of hith thtunnerth!!"
A Mini-Wad goes to BullDog for his ugly costume. The same costume people who call attention to the "dick-less ones" also love to call attention to short, dumpy men by putting fringe around their stubby legs...how attractive!)
Also, the Big Shmo and Bain (Kane) get awards because they suck in the ring. Put a white beard on Kane and I'll go tell him what I want for Christmas!
Hell, I'm feeling generous here...let's give awards to HHH and Rock for their facial expressions. (And applause to Mankind for even being in the ring with those losers!)
The Undertaker possesses ONE thing none of the above do...he had the good sense to stay away from this pay-per-view. I wish I had, too!
Cenny
9/27/99
The FuckWad of the Week Award is presented to:
"My face looks like 3 miles of bad Road"-Dogg and his girlfriend, Billy"Gum". These 2 no-talent fairys are the Tag Team champions? (*hissss*) Hopefully, not for long!
Let's do Billy first....on second thought, no one in their right mind would want to "do" Billy, except maybe the man down the street who wearspink shirts and a flower behind his ear.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things that YOU don't:
1) His skin doesn't "snap, crackle, and pop" due to excessive tanning. Have you thought about how wrinkled your face will be in a few more years? (Of course, it could only be an improvement, inyour case)
2) He doesn't look like a "Dr. Seuss" character. YOU do!
3) He'll never have to worry about choking on his gum in the ring. (Let me guess: When you were a kid, Mom wouldn't let you chew gum, right? So now you cram a whole pack in your lip-less mouth everytime you're on tv!)
4) He doesn't wear that ridiculous arm band around his neck, like you! Did you know that's a "girl" accessory? I'm hoping to see somebody pull it waaaay out and then let go...
Now let's do Roadie. (Even my neighbor's dog wouldn't "do" you,and he'll hump anything!)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things that YOU don't:
1) Even if he were bald he wouldn't have rolls of flab on theback of his head, like you do!
2) He uses REAL words. What the fuck is "biatch" and "shiznitz"? Sounds like something on the menu at an Armenian restaurant. ("You vant shiznitz for here or to go?")
3) He may have gained a little weight, but he'll never be all white and pudgy like YOU, Pillsbury Dough Boy!
4) He doesn't throw water bottles at the audience (along withspit) like you do...ugh.
So, "Gum-B" and "Pokey".....
Take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of "Fag" team champions...)