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October-
10/4/99-
Ever wonder why we never see the Acolytes with Moohlah and Mae? The
answer is simple...Bra-Shaw and Fat-Rook ARE Moohlah and Mae! (The body
types are the same)
This week's award is presented to the Bulldog (and what an appropriate name that is!)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He doesn't look like a Teletubby
2) Although his total lack of ego prevents him from participating in shameless self-promotion (like a certain bald guy we know), at least there's a few Undertaker t-shirts. Haven't seen any Bulldog shirts...
3) He doesn't suffer from Austinitis, like you. You know the symptoms: Whining to Vince about a title shot, constantly having to be on camera, etc.
4) No one would mistake the back of his head for a porcupine,Spiney!
I've got one Mini-Wad this week for the Tinfoil-Twins, Fairy-Co and "Happy" Hughes (could that man possibly look any happier??) Awwww,matching shirts. Ain't that sweet? (*hissss*)
So, BullHog.....take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of short, stubby men)
10/11/99-
J.R. suffers from McMahonitis, the condition that causes someone who works
around wrestlers to think he is actually a wrestler too. So Jim Ross,
come on down! This week's FuckWad is for you! (*hisssss*)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He doesn't wear a silly hat (I can only think of 2 times when I saw him in a hat that came from "Doofus-ville")
2) He's not pimping barbeque sauce. (Is anybody else sickand tired of hearing about that?)
3) He never got his ass kicked in the ring by a woman (Although I put Chyna in the "woman" category the same way I put Billy Gum in the"man" category)
4) He doesn't qualify as a member of the SDMC (The "Short DumpyMan" Club)
So, Chef JRDee, take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
And maybe you shouldn't have shown us the "secret ingredient" in your sauce...the stuff Mankind brought out on a silver tray...
Mini-wads go to Jericho and Hughes for their little "lover's quarrel"in the ring. Awwww, too bad. Now Happy Hughes won't be wearing Fairy-co's tinfoil shirts anymore!
Also to Fat Albert (uh, Mark Henry) and this whole sex-therapy angle. Men that look like him usually date Rosie Palm and her 5 sisters...
One more for Big Shmo for his "I'm so upset, my Dad has cancer" angle. We hear comparisons being made between the WWF and Soap-Operas. Well, I think the writers are taking that a little too literally! What the fuck is this? "Another World"?? "Days of our Lives"?? "The Guiding Light"??
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of "good ol' boys pimping bbq sauce" and writers who should be writing for REAL Soap Operas...)
FuckWad of the MONTH:
No Mercy ppv, October 1999
Another Taker-less ppv (*hissss*) but at least this one didn't suck
as bad as last month's.
Our first FuckWad of the Month Award goes to Midian. His shirtreads "Feed Your Mind". It should say "Mind Your Feed". He looks like he's been doing his share of grazing lately. And if he's trying to win the "I've gone longer than anybody without washing my hair" award...
I'd say he already won (like about 6 months ago!) So remember,when the mailman brings yet another free sample of shampoo, don't throw it away! Send it to Midian. Speaking of grazing...if I turned Viscera loose in my yard I could sell my lawnmower.
The second FuckWad of the Month Award goes to "Grandma Moses" aka Moohlah. It's true...the WWF IS becoming more like WCW. We now have someoneborn in the 1920's holding a belt.
The third award is for Gum-B and Pokey, aka NAO and the Hollys, HardBore and PeeWee. Billy refused to share his gum, which pissed off the bwa-ha-hollys. With his superior intelligence (!), Billy couldn't figure out how to chew gum AND get his big dumb self into the ring at the same time. So he spent most of the match standing on the ring-apron. Meanwhile, the Hollys gave a whole new meaning to the phrase "I'll mop the floor with you", as they swept the ring with Roadie's hair (Nice job, guys) PeeWee just had to stand on a chair to get some of Billy's gum, but the ref nixed the chair idea. FuckWads for all 4 competitors!
Speaking of #4, here's an award for Double J (Hewentaway)for tryingto use the IC Belt on Chyna. Tsk, tsk, that's not a kitchen item! As Chyna would say: "You shoulda uthed the think, ath-hole...it wath a thtainleth thteel think too!" And after the match, Road Dogg used his head...tomop up the ring.
The fifth award goes to the Rock and Bull Dog. We smell what you're cooking, Rock, and I think it's the smell of a shitty match. If I see one more "match" between the 2 of you, I hope it's lit (and you've both been doused with gasoline)
Award #6 goes to the Hardly Boys. Not for the match...it was one of the few great pay-per-view moments, and they outdid themselves (along with Edge and Christian).This award is because they now have Terri Tramp to lead them to the ring instead of good ol' Gangrel. I wonder if they'll still come out of a ring of fire? This could prove dangerous to Terri, since plastic melts around heat! Here's an award for Territoo, for looking just like Al Snow's long-lost dog, Pepper.
The next award goes to Val No-Penis. We knew all along that wasjust a sock in there!
Mankind must have really pissed Vince off (in his new book, maybe?) So Vince gets revenge by not only putting poor Mankind in a match against Val, but making him fuckin' JOB to Val too! Don't worry, Mankind, enough of us will buy your book so you can retire from wrestling and spareyourself further humiliation in the ring.
I have an award here for the "4 Corners" participants. I'm sick of hearing about how much "heart" X-Crap has. I'd love to see the guy from the "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" movie come to the ring, rip X-Pac's heart out and hold it up and show it to us. Then we could actually see how much heart he has (or should I say, "had").How 'bout how much Stupidity he has for getting into the ring with guys 300 pounds heavier than him? Kane just wows me every time he hops off that top turnbuckle. It's as impressive as a little kid jumping off the sofa. Now how about jumping onto the middle of the beltway around D.C. during rush hour?? As for Bradshaw, if he gains anymore weight, he can be a "paul-stand-in" (For either Wight or Bearer) and Farrooq can be a Viscera stand-in(whileViscera is busy grazing my lawn...I might even rent him out, if anyone'sinterested)
So...that brings us to the Main Event, otherwise known as the "WhinerMatch"
Noze-zilla vs. MegaThumbhead!
Here's 2 big shiny FuckWad of the Month awards for HHH and Austin, for being whiny, a general pain-in-the-ass, wearing matching outfits, and for dragging the match out for so long that Vince sent the Rock out there with a sledge hammer to put an end to it. I couldn't figure out what was different about Austin, and then it dawned on me...he had no beer!!Oh, the inhumanity...
The Undertaker possesses ONE thing that none of the above do...he didn't have to go to Cleveland for the ppv! (And I bet he was glad...well, wouldn't YOU be??)
Cenny
10/18/99:
Looks like Austin has joined AA...This is the second show where he's been
beer-less....
I'm glad I'm not one of those people who eats anything while watching RAW. As if the Al Snow dog eating (and barfing) scene wasn't bad enough, they gave us close ups of Vince's and HHH's faces (ewww). And if THAT wasn't enough, we're now treated to a big rope of "Shmo" snot as he cried while being told by a local "cop" that his father was dead.(And then they even showed a fuckin' replay!) *hissssss*
So, it's only right that this week's FuckWad Award goes to Paul (Shamu)Wight.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) His fans miss him while he's gone. Do you even have any fans??
2) He's been part of some shitty angles, but he'd never "cry" on tv!
3) If he was at the beach, he could sit on the sand and not find himself surrounded by Green-Peace people all trying to "save the whale".
4) Nobody would ever try to harpoon the Undertaker! If I were you, I'd avoid the ocean.
Mini-Wads to the following recipients:
a) Mini-Chyna (aka Miss Shitty) She needs to be pairedup with Mini-Holly.
b) Billy Ass Gunn (B.A.G.) Yep, he'd look better with a BAG over his head...preferrably a plastic one! He helped break apart the ring rope with his head, but they coulda just used that other rope...Paul Wight's snot rope!
c) Rock...for throwing away Mankind's book (Yeah, we know it was really Venis that threw it away)
d) Terri...for having sex with Gangrel. She already started at the bottom of the pile with Meat (ugh), then went even lower with the "Ugly Street" Possums (yecchhh) and now!! Who's next? Well, looks-wise, Gangrel is no worse than the other 4 (Edge, Christian, Matt and Jeff) but at least they have talent in the ring.
e) Jericho...for his pissing and whining about Chyna
f) Chyna...for saying she "proved" she could "beat any man." Bwaaahhhaaaa!! Double J is not exactly Undertaker (not even close!)
g) The Asshole-ites....so THAT explains their, uh, growth! Doritos and beer before coming out to the ring. They need that like I need hair on my face!
And last...a BIG FuckWad to the new script writers. (And we thought the "old" writers were bad...) I don't think I need to give any examples. The show speaks (or should I say "reeks") for itself!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of foot-long snot ropes)
10/25/99:
Hell HAS frozen over. When was the last time we saw Austin drink
a beer on tv? He actually "lost" a match? And to mid-carders
like the New Age Assholes (with help from X-Pac, another "big" star)*hissss*
What the fuck is going on here? Maybe it's all those anti-Austin
sites. Maybe Dumbrah is at home surfing for Steve-sites and all she
comes up with are those wonderful "Austin-Hater" sites. ("Ah jist cain't
figger whah they doan lahk mah Steve! He's the bayest in the bizniss.")
Well, with Undertaker still gone, instead of one big winner this week,I have several Mini-Wads to give out.
My first award goes to Jericho. Finally got yourself a shirt? So does that mean no more tin-foil shirts ever a-GAIN? You look more and more like a goat each week.(note from ed: notice how he FINALLY grew in his facial hair, AFTER Taker insulted him about the "peach-fuzz"? *snicker*)
The second award goes to men with hideous bodies who insist on wearinga singlet which doesn't look good on anybody, but especially on Prince Albert and Mideon. (Yes, Mideon was sporting a new look on Monday...) Now I think Prince Albert is cool, but he's got more body hair than 10 Italian or Greek grandmas put together! He's also got a big ass. Ugh. And as for Midian, well, as if the greasy hair and facial features aren't bad enough, he's suffering from skinny wrist/flabby upper-arm syndrome. I won't even comment on the rest of his body. Neon green tape on the wrists? Maybe those are Big Show snot ropes! Speaking of which, he got a shirt too...how nice. (*hisss*)
Whose idea was it to bring back Too Much? Here's an award for them, too, because they just plain SUCK.
Viscera vs. Mark Henry? In what...a grazing contest? Here's 2 awards for Fat and Fatter. But I'd also like to say Thank You to Viscera regarding the Ho in the pink outfit. Anybody that dresses like that deserves to get their ass kicked!
The Duh-duh-duh-Dudley boys and the Headbangers don't deserve an award. They're actually entertaining! Didn't ya just love when Bubba Ray took Kane's "cancer kazoo"*
How many people can actually understand him when he uses that thing??
(*credit MadPhat)
Bradshaw and Farooqq get no award from me either. I actually
enjoyed the bar fight. And they should consider dressing like that in the ring too.
I thought Stevie Richards was Nicole Bass when I first saw him in drag. Hey...so now the truth comes out! Here's an award for Stevie, who makes a better "ugly woman" than an "ugly man".
Here's a Mini-Wad for Val Venis (appropriate, huh?) Why the fuck is he getting such a big push all of a sudden? Well, my guess is, he caught Vince with Lillian and threatened to tell Linda...(which is probably how Lillian got to be a ring announcer in the first place!)
Lillian, come and get your award! This one is for your ridiculous outfits, especially the white boots (White footwear after Labor Day?
tsk, tsk.) White footwear ANY time of the year? yechhh! This isn't 1965 and you're not on American Bandstand. (Yes, people actually dressed like Austin Powers at one time...scary, huh?)
I've got one Mini-Wad left, and I present it to Moohlah! This is for drawing little eyelashes on your skin and using a brown Crayola marker to create eyebrows. ("I'm ready for my close-up. Mr. DeMille...")
And I'm ready to end this column!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of ugly costumes)