11/01/99
Just when you thought it was safe to watch RAW again...
Along comes a sight so hideous, it makes everything else pale in comparison.
I'm talking about...
Shmo Toe! (*hisss*) Stubby blobs of flesh clinging to the tip of that bulbous foot that we saw up close...To add to this horror, Big Show thinks he's a method actor. He IS the Great "Wight" whale, Moby Paul, flopping around, gasping for air. Prince Albert and Bonzo (the dog-faced Bossman) should have just fired a harpoon gun through the door.
I think Big Shmo deserves a FuckWad Award for his performance, but I've already given him more than one (and he has the distinction of being my very first recipient). So, this week's award is presented to: Stephanie McMahon, for some of the worst acting I've ever seen.
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He's got a smaller ass than you
2) He's a good actor (You have about as much emotion as a person with a lobotomy!)
3) He doesn't have an annoying brother who "thinks" he's a wrestler.
4) He's on tv due to years of hard work and not because "Daddy" owns the company.
So, Steph-phony...take your FuckWad Award and hit the road!
This week's Mini-Wads go to:
a) Goldilocks and the 3 "Bores" (aka DX) : Billy looks like hefinally re-dyed his hair. He also looks like a Hasidic Jew with those 2 braids in the front ("Oy vey, Herschel, change the channel...Oiving told me "The Jazz Singer" is on tonight so vhat for you vant to vatch dis wrestling?")
b) Jericho: for his tin-foil pants. Now he's REALLY ready forthe grill ( and look! No messy clean-up...)
c) Austin: for being so out of breath after waddling to the ring, hecould barely talk. He needs to be paired up with Paul Wight.
d) Val Venis: for burning Mankind's book. I think Val should be set on fire instead. Maybe there's room on the grill alongside Jericho...
e) Chyna and Kitty: For being the Dominatrix Twins (Nice outfits, ladies...)
f) Tori and Kane: for being Tori and Kane!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of whales, fat-ass women with lobotomies,etc)
11/8/99:
I've got to stop commenting on the hideous sights the WWF keeps throwing
our way. Shmo snot, Shmo toe, close-ups of Vince's face...how could
it get any worse? Nothing I've ever seen (not even on "The Internet's
Sickest Sites") could prepare me for what I saw last night...Hunter the
moose-faced Helmsley's bare ass! (*hisss*)
All I can say is, I'm glad I don't eat dinner after 9 pm on Mondays.
This week's FukWad Award goes to: Too Fool (uh, Cool)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) Talent
2) Masculinity
3) Not having Jerry (the Squawk) Lawler for a Dad
4) He was taller than both of you when he was 10 years old. (Yes, there's some talented short wrestlers...too bad neither of you are included)
So, Brian and Scott (Cryin' and Rot)...take your FukWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
MiniWad recipients include:
a) HHH: for graduating at the top of his class from the Stone Cold School, where they teach belt-hogging, whining, and having to be on at least 1 hour and 45 minutes of a 2 hour show.
b) The Mean Street Possee: for their new matching outfits.(You still suck, guys!)
c) Jericho: for dressing in "Full Foil". What's next? Shoes made from fuckin' tin foil?
d) Val Venis: just for being Val Venis. How's that hair-transplant holding up?
e) Billy Gunn and X-Pac: for wanting to try on Steph's shoes soooo bad, they were pulling them off her feet. They'd be too big for X-Pac and I think Billy already has a pair at home (in pink) If you liked them that much, just go to "Big Lots" and get you some.
f) The script writers: for being so original and creative. (A group of "heel" wrestlers pulls a Steph-napping. She'll be found, unharmed, in a basement. Later, we'll learn that Vince was behind all this...)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of just about everything...)
11/14- Survivor Series:
It must have been tough for the writers. Does the belt go to a moose, a giant thumb or a lawn sprinkler? None of the above! It goes to a whale! (*hissss*) I still think one of the stipulations for being champ (or holding any belt) is that you can at least wear it around your waist! The heavyweight belt will make a swell ankle bracelet for Moby-Paul...
Obviously, Paul Wight deserves a Fuckwad of the month award.
The first match of the night (Pimps vs. Gimps) involved colorful costumes,the Bald-bangers in early '70's afros, and D-Lo as a much more convincingpimp than Godfather. No awards for them...too entertaining.
The second match looks more deserving of an award. Shawn "Stay-in-da-back" vs. Kurt "I wuz an olympian" (yawn) Angle. The crowd was into itwith their chants of "Boring...boring..." Yep, and Kurt's Bret-type whining about showing respect means I'll show MY respect by giving him a FuckWad. Hit the road, you whining loser, and take squish-nosed Shawn with you. (He's an example of what happens to people who brown nose too much)
Our next award goes to Bulldog, who "came out" with his Ho's, the Geek Street Possee. Val Venis gets an award for his "new" trunks, which are just as ugly as his old ones, and still call attention to his, uh,lack of pack.
Isn't it great to watch a ppv that showcases non-wrestlers (like Pete and Rodney) and wrestlers nobody wants to see (like Val)?
Speaking of non-wrestlers and wrestlers nobody wants to see, Moohlah won back the Women's belt. And Mae has her very own music now. Awards for both these relics. And an award to whoever did their make-up,although I'm all in favor of employment opportunities for the blind.
Poor Luna - she went from one group of "oddities" right to another!
The next award goes to X-Pac and Kane for their "exciting" match (zzzz)
And lookee thar! The Parade of Human Oddities came back! (Prince Albert, Viscera, Mideon, Boss Man and Big Show) I'd still like to know how Bonzo the dog-faced Bossman was resurrected from the dead. Even the dimmest bulb remembers when Undertaker hung Bossman ("Undertaker"and "hung" just sound so right together...) I'm waiting to see Bossmanwith his new tag-team partner, Dead Show (Will we EVER learn what he did with the body?)
The next event of the night certainly deserves a big award. "RoadKill" Steve Austin was the high point of the whole ppv! He stood still and patiently waited for the on-coming car, then jumped onto the hood in a very convincing way (not!) and arranged himself in an "I've justbeen run over" position on the ground. Is he the next Laurence Olivier or what? FuckWads to all involved, including the accident "rubber-neckers",Vince, Shane and Stephanie (where was Linda?? Oh yeah, she was the driver of the car...) and their faithful canine companion, Test. JR just had to come and "have hisself a look" too, leaving a teary eyed Lawler alone at the table. (He was actually upset because Kitty left him for a REAL man: Chyna)
The next award goes to Chyna, for bullying little blond men whose names start with the letter "J". Jeff, Jericho, who's next? Then she claims she can "beat any man". Got news for ya, those 2 aren'texactly fine male specimens!
No award for the next event. Edge, Christian, and the Hard-ly Boys may be funny looking, but I'm still in awe of their ladder match. Far as the Hollys, I'm all out of teeth jokes and the Cools just got their award last week (and they still both suck)
Gum-B and "Poke"-ey vs. Mankind and Al Snow...and the Fag Team Champions WIN? (*hisss*) Huge FuckWads for the string mop and the lip-less one!
Which brings us to this question: What happens when you combine bulgey eyes, a bulbous nose, and large globs of fleshy appendages (toes)? Answer: The main event, featuring Rock, HHH and Show. FuckWads to all competitors! How will Shmo defend the belt when he gets winded and needs a break after 2 minutes in the ring? I guess as long as he has the belt, we'll see 3-way matches (which is only fair since oneShmo = two regular sized guys)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of ppv's that suck)
11/15:
Same column; Different approach....
Same story; Different people....
It's good to see less of Austin, but now it's all Rock and HHH. Can we take up a collection and send these 2 on a long trip somewhere (like a remote island, maybe)?
This week's award goes to several people, the most deserving one being
"sign guy" (No, not from ECW)
This was probably the husband of the pathetic woman who campaigned to get Wal-Mart to remove the Al Snow toy (due to the...severed.... head) but the Guns and Ammo department is ok by her (go figure). Anyway, Sign-Guy proudly displayed his "WWF: World Wide Filth" sign for all of 10 seconds. So, even though he's not with the WWF (we hope) I award him a huge FuckWad (*hisss*)
Other awards go to:
a) Vince McMahon - for fighting in the ring (for the millionth time)
b) Test - for his hideous skin condition. What the fuck is wrong with that guy, anyway? Pre-wedding stress resulting in huge lumps all over his arms and face? (Well of COURSE he and Steph are getting married! Everything that happens on tv is true, ya know)
c) Big Shmo - for his 10 second match with Bulldog and his Ho's. In addition to being able to wear the belt around the waist (!) the champ should be able to move around the ring for 15 minutes at least!
I won't give an award to Jeri(psy)cho. I like his new derangedact almost as much as I liked ECW-Rock, going fuckin nuts in the ring bashing heads with a chain. Now if the WWF writers would just listen to me and make Godfather change his gimmick to Candyman!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of signs, unless they're funny)
11/22:
Once again, the WWF is striving to be different. If their idea of
different is showing a bridal shower and bringing in a new Yokozuna, all
I can say is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I hope Undertaker comes back soon, so I can go back to singling out one person for a weekly award. But until then, here's this week's
"winners":
a) Vince McMahon - for putting himself in yet another angle and for being in a match with HHH at the next ppv. (a-GAIN...) I'm sure everyone is looking forward to spending $30 to see a skanky man in his 50's trying to wrestle. At least get a skanky man in his 50's who CAN wrestle (like Terry Funk)
b) Moohlah - for trying to restrain Mae Young at the bridal shower. It looked like a lame party and Mae was just trying to liven things up. You know your party sucks when it takes an 80 year old drunk woman to save it!
c) Rakishi - Am I spelling it right? Who the fuck IS this guy? We all know he's only there to make guys like Paul Wight and Viscera look "thinner" (as if!) Just what we need; a new whale at Sea World.
d) X-Pac - for the hat and the fact that he needs Roadie and Ass-wipe to "save" him in the ring.
e) Road Dogg - for his hat and his "clean and jerk" shirt. How nice...the string mop comes with directions...to "clean" floor, just "jerk" his head down.
f) Jericho - He went from crazed psycho last week to helpless wuss this week (getting attacked by ho's)
and speaking of ho's....
Tori, Teri, and Bulldog's Possee. Fuckwads for all!
Cenny
(Hoping to invite Mae over for Thanksgiving...)
11/29/99-
This week's awards go to Pat Patterson and HHH. Pat has this to say:
"Vince, I wouldn't flush dat dink! Dat dink do stink!"
And by now, we all know HHH ruined the wedding. Too bad he didn'tcome out before that cheesy duet. So now we know what happened to Ryan Shamrock. She was sacrificed by the Ministry, only to returnas...The Wedding Singer.
And wasn't it great to see a former President as a surprise ref? Ronald Reagan sure looked happy to be in that ring, didn't he?
Well, step on up, Pat The Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't:
1) He's not obsessed with his employer's bowel movements. Remember, Vince...don't "take" a shit..."leave" one!
2) He'll retire before he ends up like you, in the role of the village idiot.
And now, for Mr. Stephanie McMaHHHon, the Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't:
1) He's no longer part of the "I married the boss's daughter" storyline (yay!)
2) He's not shadowed everywhere he goes by a string mop, an anorexic wrestler, and a gum-chewing ass!
MiniWads to:
a) the skanky Paramedic with the deformed chest. Who's her surgeon, Dr. Mal Praktiz? When she gets a mammogram, she'll endup shattering the machine and possibly killing the technician with flying shrapnel.
b) Linda McMahon - for having the bad taste to wear black to her own daughter's wedding and for being the matron of honor
c) Bradshaw, Farrooq and D-Von for harrasing Bubbah Ray. So what if he had s-s-s-s-six Aces!
And why was there a picture of Fred Astaire on the wall at Stephanie's party?
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of NON-wrestlers who get all thetv time. *hissss*)
********IMPORTANT NOTICE*********
Get your votes in for PhuhQuad (or FukWad) of the Year. The last RAW of 1999 will be on Monday, December 27. So sometime between December 28 and December 31, I'll be handing out the most prestigious award of themall....
Just send me (egzakto@cablecomm-pa.com) your nominee (Sorry, the author of this column and her family are NOT eligible {nor is the webmaster!]) and whoever receives the most votes by midnight of December 27th is the winner! You can vote (just once, please) anytime between now and 12/27. You don't need to give any reasons. "i vot fr _____ becuz he sukes" is every bit as good as a 1000 word thesis on why he (or she) sucks. Thank you and good luck to all people involved in the WWF, all of whom are eligible for an award!
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