12/6/99:
I'm actually looking forward to the ppv. HHH vs Vince in a nose-hold
bar match! Does this mean they grab onto each other's noses?
And bust up a bar like the Acolytes? Or do they visit bars till they
puke? (Through their noses) I can just hear Patterson now:
"You can't do nuttin wit dat dink, Vince. Tibble H got a biggahnoze den you!"
Phuh-Quads for this week's show go to:
1) Stephanie - for trying (and failing) to look menacing in the ring. Why does she tilt her head to the side and scrunch up one eye in a feeble Popeye immitation? "I yam what I yam"...actually that sounds more like Patterson! Maybe Curtis (Happy) Hughes could give her advice on facial expressions. Also, I never realized how BIG her ears are!
2) Big Show and Viscera - for their Sea World match. If they added Rakishi Fat-too, we all could've seen the ring collapse. I was glad to see Shmo covering up more of his body, but why only one elbow-pad? The web-master has pointed out that Shmo was actually wearing the belt too! Must've added a few more feet to it, so it could circle the globe...
3) Mrs Shmo - for her scene with Bonzo, the dog-faced Bossman. Was she laughing the whole time? "Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh." There's so many unemployed actors out there, how hard could it be for the WWF to find one? So now Mom-Shmo will have to admit the father is really Paul Bearer, making Shmo and Kane half-brothers. Poor Taker...no wonder he's in no hurry to come back and deal with all this!
(And close-ups of Shmo fingers! yechhhh..The toes were bad enough!)
4) Lillian Diarreah (uh, Garcia) for STILL dressing like she does. It's *not* 1965 anymore, Lillian.
5) B.B. (Big Bimbo) - for wearing one of Sable's old hair extensions.I'm surprised she left it behind.
(I'm in a giving mood, but enough already! What the hell, here's 2 more...)
6) Road-Dogg and Billy (he-got-gum) for waiting in the shower for X-crap and HHH (I-am-the-Dame) to join them.
The Undertaker has something that none of the above have.... Talent!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of actors who can't act and wrestlerswho can't wrestle...and people who can't do either one, like the McMahons!)
12/12/99:
Armageddon, also known as McMahon-Again-On, also known as another shitty
ppv. For the last one of the year (and of the century) you'd think
the writers could've done a better job! It's really pitiful when
the high-point of the ppv was seeing Miss Shitty's tits! (*hisssss*)
Well, time to pass out the Fuck-Wads...
1) The Battle Royal was a good match, but it would've been better without the "talented" (!) Posse and the little dancing homos, Too Cool. Fuckwads to all of them, plus the Headbangers for their outfits.
2) Kurt No-Angle vs. Steve no-Gimmick Blackman...yawn...was there even a winner? I was admiring our Xmas tree and didn't pay attention to the match.
3) Ugh, the Evening Gown match. Ok, if I was a 12 year old boy or Jerry Lawler, this would've caught my attention. Once again, the women's belt is being held by a no-talent bimbo. Why doesn't somebody like Luna have it? Fuck-Wads to all the contestants, especially the so-called winner. It's great to know that any woman with no brain, no talent, and no self-respect can be the WWF Women's Champion.
4) The Bwa-ha-Hollys vs. Viscera and Fat-too. A real"T & A" match (Teeth and Ass)
I think Rikishi's theme song should be Jethro Tull's "Fat Man". Oh, so now he's the official spokesman of all obese people? Whatever...give the REAL "Ass man" an award!
5) D'Lo, Val, and Bulldog. Out of all 3, I'd say Val sucks the most, so why did he win? Oh, never mind...I just answered my own question.
6) Kane vs. X-Pac in a cage. Yep, these 2 should be caged at all times. This was like watching a big dysfunctional "Dad" beating his kid. What kind of challenge is it to "defeat" somebody a foot shorter and a couple hundred pounds lighter? Does anybody actually believe X-Crap is over 200 lbs? More like 140! And of course he needed help from Gum-B and Pokey, which backfired like an old man's fart. Come get your Fuck-Wads boys! And here's one for Tori too.
7) Jericho vs. Chyna. (a-GAIN) but this time the tinfoilgoat boy got the belt! (zzzzzz)
8) The Rock & Sock connection vs the Mop & Sopp connection. It wasn't long ago when the crowd chanted "Rocky sucks!" and now he gets bigger pops than Austin ever did. Maybe I'm the one who doesn't "get it", but if I like a wrestler, I like him no matter what. If I can't stand him, that doesn't change either. Well, FuckWads for Mop and Sopp...and one for the lawn sprinkler too. I'd be surprised if his ghost-written piece of crap book does even one-tenth as well as Mankind's book!
9) Big Show vs. Bossman. Shamu has the belt, he's barely 30, but his matches are no more than a couple minutes long. McMahon is *not* a wrestler, he's in his 50's and he can do a match for at least 20 minutes! What's wrong with this picture? Nobody really wants to see Bonzo the dog-faced Bossman with the belt, but Shamu needs to give it up or at least put on a decent match! I think Prince Albert should'vegot it...
And here we are at the last match. As soon as Stephanie came out in her Wal-Mart vinyl (uh, leather?) coat, that gave away the "surprise". When did she ever wear black leather (uh, vinyl?) before? It would've been more of a shock to see her come out in one of her usual frumpy outfits, then take off the top at the end to reveal...(No, not a training-bra!) a HHH shirt or a DX shirt. Stephanie as a heel? Bwaahhaa...and next we'll see Ken Shamrock come back as Bill Nye the Science Guy with a PhD in Nuclear Physics, right? Well, I'm glad Undertaker wasn't there. I'd hate to see him involved in this ridiculous story!
Here's 2 nice big shiny FuckWad Awards for Vince and Stephanie! I hope the new year brings some decent ppv's without McMahons in them, but that's about as likely as seeing Curtis Hughes smile...
Cenny
12/13/99:
This week's FuckWad Award goes to 3 women: Stephanie, Mae and Kitty.
We all know Steph is there because dad owns the company. Kitty is
there because of King-Shit (of Turd mountain) Lawler, and Mae is there
because, uh, she likes "Big-Block" chocolate....
Stephanie is proof that money CAN'T buy everything. It can't buy acting talent and it can't buy good taste in men (or clothes). Think about it...she had a choice between a man who looks like a rabbit, a man who looks like a moose, and a man who looks like a fuckin' god (drool) and she picks Mr. Moose?? A man whose nose has it's own zip code!(*hisss*)
And what's with her ridiculous facial expressions? I guess she'slearning the art of "oral" communication with HHH.
She actually whined to big daddy about "almost" being sacrificed to Undertaker. Hell, sign ME up! That whole black wedding storyline was the only time I ever wished I was Stephanie. (There was one time I wished I was Sable too...remember the "choking" incident and that fine close-up of, uh, ...never mind)
On to Miss Kitty and her pudding match. They probably re-cycled the pudding and served it at local schools. If anybody reading this lives in Florida, I hope you didn't eat any chocolate pudding in a cafeteria on Tuesday.
And why does she have such a high-pitched whiny voice? Can you imagine overhearing a conversation between her and Lawler? Pass the ear-plugs...
Good old Mae - she likes guys 50 years younger than she is! Looked like she even put out her cigar on Mark Henry's back and he didn't even feel it. She's my role model...NOT!
Mini-Wads to the following:
a) Kane - for getting so excited over that big vat of pudding that he stampeded the ring and broke it (after using X-Pac as a spoon)
b) Billy Gunn - for trying to convince us that was his family at ringside. Uh-huh...Mrs. Sopp and the 2 little Sopps. C'mon, they were actors! I picture Billy's significant other as someone named "Brian" or maybe "Scott". And who the fuck did his hair?
(For a real cinematic treat, check out "Billy Gunn's Gay Ass Adventure"at:
http://www.xwrestling.com/wdb/movies.htm)
c) Paul Wight - gasp...wheeze...another 30 second match for the WWF champion! What a fine physical specimen (ugh)
Which reminds me...I received an email from Paul's one and only fan. This well-educated young man had this to say:
"Umm hry buddy the big show is awesome and I think you should takethat stick out of your ass."
He had a verrrry original email name too: Edge! Well, I'll agree
that Edge is awesome as far as his wrestling skills go, but Big Shmo?? Well, sonny, be sure to visit the above-mentioned site and view another fine movie, "Huntin' Season" starring Austin and The Isle of Wight, Paul.
So, where does Undertaker figure into all this? He's refusing to come back till all of the above go to WCW. I hear they're interested in Mae to play the role of Hogan's younger sister...
Cenny
12/20/99
"RAW is Taker-less" (and tasteless) continues...
This time of year, we all have better things to do than spend 2 hours watching Mr. and Mrs. Nose "run" (or should I say "ruin") the show, along with their toadies, the Posse and NAO (which is another way to spell G-A-Y)
Every time I see Steph-phony making that idiotic expression with her lips, I wish the Rock really would "slap the taste right out of her mouth"! I'm sure most of us would be happy to do it for him....
Well, this week's award is presented to both Kurt (Third "I" Blind)*Angle and Whore-ey
(Tori)
The Undertaker possesses 2 things that YOU don't, Kurt:
1) His "Three I's" are: I'm intelligent, I'm talented and I'm the object of every woman's fantasies. Kurt's "Three I's" are: I suck, I have no neck (how does he keep those medals under his chin?) and I belong in WCW (where he and Bret Hart can piss and moan about their "lack of respect")
2) He has a unique gimmick instead of being just another (yawn)ex-Olympian
(* Thanks, Emily!)
The Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't, Tori:
1) His "big chest" is real and not plastic
2) He's never been carried up the ramp by Billy Butt, even though we KNOW Billy would love to...
MiniWads to:
a) Moohlah and Mae (Old and Older) Do you realize when these 2 were babies, zippers weren't even invented yet!
b) Barb Bush - for proving that nothing except a deformed chest will get you into the WWF. I'd rather see the other Barbara Bush on the show (the one that looks like the guy on the "Quaker Oats" can) and while we're hiring Bushes (heh), let's add her son. He's whiny, dishonest, and not too bright. He could run the company!
c) The scriptwriters - for leaving out "Hanukkah Harry" in the Boiler room match with Mankind. "Oy! Such a smack I'll give you with my menorrah..."
d) The Big Show - He even made Kane look good in this match! Shmo's head looks even bigger with his hair all frizzed out like that!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of deformed body parts: HHH'snose, Shmo's head, Rakishi's ass, B.B.'s chest, etc)
12/27/99
Well, here we are...the last FuckWad of the Week award for 1999. All these good story ideas floating around the net and the so-called "WWF spies" ignore them. Instead, they continue with lame stories, like the Mark Henry/Mae Young romance. If he's being compared to a candy bar, why not "Oh Henry"? (Ever notice, the only time those shitty, inedible things make an appearance is at Halloween?)
I hate those big dorky pictures of the photogenic (!) HHH and Stephanie on either side of the Titantron (*hisss*) If that's not enough, we have to constantly see and hear them (along with the rest of D-fuckin-X)
We're also being treated to the great acting of Tori (Whoree) Why not just hook her up with Patrick Bateman (from "American Psycho") and let him "cure" her.....
Why is the vocal coach spending all his time with Kane? Chyna, Lawler, Stephanie, the list goes on and on, could all use his help too!
Nipple H told Rock & Mankind the place wasn't big enough for all 3 of them. Well, if he gave up most of his nose there'd be enough room! Just think...he could donate it for spare body parts. Think how happy Billy would be if he had a dick.
Why is DX always shown stuffing their faces while watching the show on a little tv in a room somewhere? Notice they were eating fruit,and we've all heard "You are what you eat."
JR sez: "The big red machine is hot!" Hmmm...I never knew JR was "that" way. And the way Kane yelled in horror when Tori hugged him can only mean one thing...he's finally figured out that she's a man.
FuckWads to all of the above, and especially to the script writers. If the Undertaker is waiting for better story lines before he returns, I guess we'll never see him again!
Cenny
(Hoping to rid WWF of ECW: Extremely Crappy Writers)
*******************************************************************
Phuh-Quad of the Year: 1999
The votes are in and there were several nominees. So here's a breakdown of the results, followed by the ultimate winner:
1) Worst "new" wrestler - Paul "Big Shmo" Wight
2) Worst "old" wrestler - Steve "Thumb-head" Austin
3) Biggest whiner - HHH ("I am da noze!")
4) Most annoying McMahon (male) - Vince
5) Most annoying McMahon (female) - Steph-phony
6) Worst female wrestler - Miss Kitty (and her itty-bitty-titty)*
7) Worst actor - Steve Blackman
8) Worst actress - Tori
9) Worst announcer - Jerry the King-Shit (of Turd Mountain) Lawler
10) Worst gimmick - Too Cool & Fat-Too AND The Mean Street Posse
11) Worst theme music - "I'm an Ass man"
12) Worst story angle - The Test/Stephanie wedding (There were others too, but at least they involved actual wrestlers)
*Thanks Tina!
And the overall WORST for theme song, physical appearance, mic skills,and wrestling ability goes to...
The man who started the whole FuckWad column, the "body double" for Shamu, PAUL WIGHT!
Waddle on down here and get your award, Paul. You're the 1999 Phuh-Quad of the Year winner!
(I'd like to thank all who voted. See you next year) Back to FuckWads Archives
Want to e-mail Cenny? Use egzakto@charter.net Back to the Crypt
