I thought the first show of the new year would be something great. I thought there'd be so many worthy FuckWad Recipients I wouldn't be able to decide who to give it to. I thought wrong.....
(But I still think Michael Cole would make a great "mini-me" for Bradshaw!)
I was glad to see Paul Wight lose the belt, but I wasn't glad to seeit go to the Noze. The writers could have taken their inspiration from "Alien". Big Shmo could've swallowed HHH (or better yet, ALL of DX) then had an interview with Michael Cole. Part-way through a sentence, Wight could've started clearing his throat, then going into a full-blown coughing fit. Suddenly, a giant nose rips out of Wight's impressive gut. HHH and DX all jump out and scatter. For the remainder of the show, we'd see people like Moohlah or the Hollys wandering the halls, being picked off one by one by hideous creatures (like RoadDogg) dropping from the ceiling onto the unsuspecting victims...
Remember: No matter how bad RAW is, it could always be worse. Picture Val Venis as the new champ.
So....the first FuckWad Award of 2000 will remain on the shelf, unclaimed, till next week.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Harvey Wippleman....)
1/10/2000:
RAW without Moo & Mae? RAW without the Geek Street Possums?
Some pretty decent matches? What's going on here??
Must be a new script writer. The only thing missing was a "Skank who can't act" match. It would've been great to see Steph in the ring with Tori....
I'm still waiting for the first FuckWad of the Week Award for 2000. Here's a few mini-wads for this week's show:
a) Kurt no-Angle: For saying "I never tasted da feet." Well, what are you waiting for, Triple Eye! I'm sure Billy Butt would be thrilled to give you a taste of his. (Ewww, let's move on)
b) The Rock: For being the spokesman for all the disgruntled WWF employees. I couldn't hear what he was saying because his shirt was too loud, as usual. It would've been more entertaining to just have each person line up by a microphone and say something. It would've taken the same amount of time, too!
c) Road Dogg: For his fake hair that's never the same length 2 weeks in a row.
d) Big Show: For having a different 'do each week. They all suck so maybe he should just shave his head. And then when Austin returns, he can be Shmo's mini-me.
e) Chyna & Jericho: For sharing the I.C. belt (I.C. stands for "I'm Confused" about my gender...)
f) PeeWee Holly: For still carrying that scale everywhere he goes.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of all of the above...)
1/17/2000:
RAW = Rewind A Week
Same little room somewhere in the bowels of the arena with Mr. & Mrs. McHHH and DX. Same long speech from the Rock. Same "I'm Kane's twin sister" Tori. Same "I'm an 80 year old Bimbo" Mae. Even the few minutes of good stuff is shown again (and again). OK, so Cactus Jack is back. How many times do we need to see it?
The WWF is off to a shitty start for the new year. Once again, there's no big winner this week. A few months back, I said it would get boring and predictable to make Austin the FuckWad of the Week winner. Well, even though Stephanie and HHH deserve it (each week since their "wedding"), that too would get boring and predictable (Just like the whole WWF...)
MiniWads this week go to:
a) D-Lo: for stealing the Godfather's gimmick and doing a much better job with it. He should be the resident pimp and for the hundredth time, Godfather should be Candyman!
b) Bulldog: for being a better spokesman for weight-loss than Monica Lewinsky. We've all seen what happens to people who lose large amounts of weight too quickly. They gain double the amount back. So, watch for Bulldog to replace Rikishi within the next couple months...
c) X-Pac: for being the only one of the original "Power Rangers" to go on to another tv role. I thought all those spinning heel kicks looked better when he was the red Ranger...
d) Jerry Lawler: for doing a "McMahon" (Putting his no-talent family on the show) Who thought of the dancing fat man? Why didn't Yokozuna dance? Because Too Cool didn't teach him the steps? Maybe it was because he didn't have those magic glasses...
e) The entire Women's division (except for Luna): If you can't wrestle, get the fuck out! (Wait a minute...if that applied to the men too, there'd only be 4 or 5 people on the roster...) And why the hell CAN'T Chyna be part of the women's division? Because she's "tho" much bigger that the "retht" of them? She's also "tho" much bigger than half the men.
f) Big Show: For making a fashion statement with his hair. I notice he dyed it...MY color! (Time for me to find a new color) Also, why did he have a popcorn ball stuck in the left side of his hair, when he came out towards the end of the show? I guess he didn't have time to finish eating it and just put it there for later...
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of re-runs)
Royal Rumble (aka The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly)
The Good: Tazz's debut, the table match, seeing HHH beaten to
a bloody pulp(Too bad Stephanie didn't "accidentaly" get hit with the barbed
wire!), the Headbangers' fuzzy cones, and not seeing Vince in the Rumble.
The Bad: No Taker (*hisss*), HHH keeping the belt, NAO keeping
the belts, X-Pac's interference in that match, plus pulling an Austin (getting
tossed out of the Rumble but returning to the ring).
The Ugly: Mae's stringy shrivelled tits, Bob Backlund, Road Dogg's
hair, Billy's hot-pink shorts, and Big Shmo sweating all over the ring
at the end.
The Rumble: It began with the "new and improved" pimp, D-Lo and
one of the Dancing Queens, Cryin' Brian. Things improved with the
arrival of Mosh and his great costume. Christian ("I may be ugly,
but I can wrestle") was next, followed by the real Mr. Ass, Rikishi.
When the other Dancing Queen came out, I was expecting everybody in the
ring to start doing the little dance. But then Steve ("Has anyone
seen my personality? I can't seem to find it.") Blackman joined in
and...wow, what a coincidence! Too Cool and Rikishi alone in the
ring, doing their dance shtick! I really thought the 2 little guys
would join forces and push Lard Ass over the top. The Battle of the
Bulge commenced when Viscera (The spokesman for cataracts) came out.
Then, another strange coincidence: Bonzo the dog-faced Bossman followed
by Test (aka Brokenoze aka Peter Rabbit) And here I thought the entrants
were drawn by random.....
Well, what usually follows a rabbit? That's right, a dog! So next we saw Bulldog (who looked like he already gained back some of that weight) followed by (oooo, another coincidence) Gangrel and Edge. The next entrant had newcomers to wrestling saying, "Who the fuck is THAT?" Good ol' Bob Backlund, that's who. I think he and Mae would make a great couple. Next, we fired up the grill for the foil-wrapped Fairy-Co followed by mini-me Holly and of course, Chyna (the "lisping" wonder of the World) ("Hey look guyth, I paid my dueth...") Yeah, fighting men littler than you! *hisss* I thought FFaarrooqq would stay in for awhile, but thanks to the Geek Street possums, he was out as soon as he got in. Next, we saw a sloth hanging from the bottom rope for most of his stay in the ring. Oh, it was just Road Dogg(presumably having a "bad time" after ingesting too many drugs) Al Snow was next, followed by Val No-Penis and Prince "Miracle Grow" Albert. Then the original Holly came out followed by the new Austin, the Rock. Next, we saw another female competitor (Billy Gunn) followed by Shamu, the great Wight whale. Bra-shaw was next, then Kane, the big red wuss, followed by the lesser of 2 pimps, Godfather, and finally X-Crap.
The FuckWad of the Month award goes to:
X-Pac and Mae Young
Mae, thanks to you, my husband and every other man whose eyes were riveted to the tv during the Swimsuit competition, is now blind and on permanent disability! And I've had that old song, "Do Your Ears Hang Low", stuck in my head since I got up this morning. But I'm thinking lower down than "ears"...Up till now, I was feeling pretty good about my body, but if THIS is what I have to look forward to in 40 years, somebody kill me now!
X-Pac, not only did you interfere in the Tag Team match, you interfered in the Rumble too. The Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't:
1) He never got thrown out of a Rumble only to "Austin" his wayback in there.
2) Unless he was forced to job, he wouldn't have any trouble with the Acolytes and Kane (unlike you...now they're all after your ass...The Acolytes want to kick it and Kane wants to stick it...)
Mae, the Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't:
1) Self respect
2) Nothing on his body that hangs as long as your boobs (Nope,not even "that"!)
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Austin wannabe's and senile old people)
1/24/00:
This week's award is presented to:
Stevie (who am I today?) Richards and Terri the table smashing Bimbo
Stevie is really Stephanie in disguise. Note the similarities in the name, the hair, the face, the body... Also, we've never seen them both at the same time.
The Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't:
1) He doesn't imitate anybody (although others "try" to imitate him, such as that guy in the red suit....)
2) He can't be Stephanie's double, like you (well, except for the feet maybe)
I think there should be a National Holiday called Dudley Day in honor of Bubbuh-Ray and De-Von. I've often wondered if the WWF Bimbos (or Bimbi) could be put to good use (other than as flotation devices if the plane ever crashes over water...) The Dudleys proved that there *are* other uses for Bimbi, such as using them to smash tables. I never knew sillicon was that strong.
The Undertaker possesses 2 things YOU don't, Terri:
1) He doesn't look like Al Snow's former dog
2) He doesn't follow the Hardys everywhere (and why would he want to?)
Take your FuckWads, girls, and hit the road!
MiniWads this week to:
a) Blackman - for turning down Al's good suggestion. I think Blackman should change his name to "Headcheese" and come out wearing a grayish suit with little chunks of pig stuck to it (such as snout, ears,
tail...well, isn't that what headcheese is made from?)
b) The Rock - for thinking he could take on 5 men by himself (oh, just 2...I was counting Big Show 4 times) Until UT comes back, I think Rikishi is the best one there...not! Why is he getting the big push, anyway? Well, at least Cactus Jack came out and saved that angle!(Not "kurt" angle...nothing could save him!)
c) The Three-Eyed Angle - for expecting Tazz to come out and apologize. Tazz is a funny looking little man, isn't he? I think he's a valuable addition to WWF, myself.
d) Mae Young - for trying to show that hideous sight again. She said, "At least mine are real!" Well, so are mine but they sure don't look like that!
Cenny
(Hoping the rid the Wrestling World of Bimbi...unless they're getting put thru tables)
1/31/00:
Two weeks ago, I suggested that Paul Wight shave his head. He didn't exactly
go 'Austin', but it's nice to know he visits this site. Hey Paul...tell
your friends about us! (if you have any...)
Continuing with that theme, here's today's science project:
Dig up Freddie Mercury's body and stretch it about 2 feet. Pump it full of air till it balloons to size 60 pants. What have you got? The Big Show!
(Ok, so I'm hard on the guy...but with the addition of the 4 new midgetwrestlers from WCW, I'll have some new victims soon)
Latest "rumor" has it that Vince won't let Taker come back till he loses weight (snort)
"If" that were true, Austin would've been gone long before he actually did leave (along with Shane, Steph, Mideon, Bradshaw, JR, Lawler, and many others) and we'd only have X-Pac to entertain (?) us week after week......
This week's FuckWad Award goes to:
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler
I'm sick of Lawler saying "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" everytime his no-talent girlfriend comes out. And do we need constant reminders of Mae Young being "pregnant"? (*hissss*) I liked the sign I spottedin the crowd that said "Mae Young is a walking corpse".
Why is JR d-d-d-down on the D-D-D-Dudleys? Whenever Austin acts like them (which is about as convincing as Kane acting like Undertaker) JR sounds like he's getting off, bellowing "Stone Cold!! Stone Cold!!" But if the Dudleys ever turn face JR will be hollering "Dudleys!! Dudleys!!" I'm also tired of seeing him suck up to Austin. Two words for JR: Nose Condom!
So....what does the Undertaker possess that THESE 2 don't?
1) When he talks on tv, I turn the sound Up, not Down
2) As tall as he is, a little extra weight doesn't detract from his fine appearance. Lawler and Ross are just 2 short dumpy guys.
3) He doesn't feel a need to state the obvious. (Don't you hate when we see the Rock walking backstage and JR or Lawler says "Look! It's the Rock!")
4) He's probably getting less money than these 2 clowns, but he doesn't need to run for mayor, appear in a movie with fuckin' rubber-faced Jim Carey, or sell BBQ sauce.
Take your FuckWad of the Week Award and hit the road!
Mini-wads this week to the following:
a) Harvey Wimp-elman: for looking better as a woman than he does as a man. Wonder if Michael Cole is planning to challenge him for the belt?
b) Kane: for being a no-show. Maybe somebody hid his mask, or maybe some fat-ass sat on it and broke it.....better look before you sit, Stephanie!
c) Acolytes: For starting the "APA". It should bethe "PAA" (Pudgy Ass and Abdomen)
Cenny
Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of midget wrestlers (except Tazz)
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