We have the "receding hairline" Malenko LMBH; the "bald" Saturn LMBH; the "Eddie van Halen-look-a-like" Guererro LMBH; and the "fuzzy-haired" Benoit LMBH. (And they're ethnically diverse too!) They'll make a nice addition to the current LMBH division. Maybe the WWF should create a belt for short guys with large heads. They could call it…the Dwarf Division.
Come get your awards, guys. If Hollywood ever does a re-make of "The Wizard of OZ" you'll all get a starring role!
Big Shmo was told not to return till he grows back some hair. There's always wigs, but they're made for normal-sized heads. (Might as well keep rolling with this hair topic...) I'm glad to see Road Dogg visits this site too! He mentioned a "janitor's mop" on the show(referring to his hair, no doubt)
And Steph said Cactus Jack made her "want to puke". Her outfit made ME wanna puke. Is that the W.A.S.P./ Ho look? The "Wo"look? You want black leather that looks decent? Visit a Harley dealership....
Mae Young has been the spokesman for Alhzheimer's long enough already! I think the decent thing to do would be to put her back in the Nursing home (or better yet, call Dr. Kevorkian) And send whoever startedthis whole idiotic, disgusting "pregnancy" angle with her.
I was disappointed that the Dudleys didn't get to put another useless bimbo through a table. (Well of COURSE I'm talking about JR!) Although seeing BB go through a table would've worked for me too.
The ending of the show couldn't have sucked more. The lights went out followed by Paul Bearer (or as the Austin fans spell it: Bare, Bear, Beer, Bar, etc.) I fell out of my chair and slithered up to the screen for a closer look at the long-absent Taker, who I thought for sure would be right behind Mr. "Bar", until I noticed that "Bare" was wearing fuckin'red and black! (*hisssssssss*)
Will Taker come back soon? Will he come back at all? Tune in next week for another 2 hours of the McHHH show (or "As the Nose Turns") And don't forget to piss away another $30 for this month's ppv...
Cenny
Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of what's currently being shown on WWF
2/14/00:
Stephanie took the mic before anyone could stop her. My eyes were
glazed over by the time she finally quit her annoying monologue.
She concluded with these words: "If it's suffering you want, then it's
suffering you'll get tonight."
Listening to that whiny voice and viewing all those unattractive people in the ring was more suffering than I could take!
The FuckWad of the Week award goes to:
Mark Henry
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) He's not dating some woman who was born when people who lived through the Civil War were still alive! (You do the math. Someone who was 15 at the end of the Civil War would have been about 70 when Mae Young was born....)
2) He's been in a few lame angles, but nothing compares to this. This has to go down in wrestling history as the all-time stupidest angle ever!
3) He's staying away till he can return to the ring. You're suffering from over-exposure (and taking away time from other wrestlers too! *hisss*)
4) If you insist on a story-line featuring a woman old enough to be your grandmother, let me suggest Diana Ross (The 2 of you could even sing duets. That would be less nauseating than all these bedroom scenes!)
I don't dislike Mark Henry, but he musta done something to really piss Vince off.
He could be made-up to look like Viscera and they could be a tag team,or if the Godfather isn't interested in the Candyman gimmick, give it to Mark Henry!
Now take your FuckWad and hit the road, and puhleeeeze take Mae with you!
Mini-wads to:
1) Road Dogg - for picking his nose in the ring, while waiting for his opponent. Find anything good up there?
2) Big Show - for not staying in Hawaii (Hey, if JR says he's there, it's gotta be true, right?) And what the fuck is that on his leg? New ink? Or the melted candy bar he tucked into his boot before he came out to the ring?
3) Lawler - for pretending to puke in his crown. I think he shoulda hurled for real.
It would've been more entertaining than most of the show.
Good stuff:
1) Cactus Jack knocking Tori down (He should have stepped on her face too...)
2) Esse Rios and Lita. Now she's my idea of what a woman wrestler *should* be.
It's great to see all these ECW people making the transition to WWF.
Cenny
Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of shitty story-lines....
2/21/00:
Hollywood is doing a remake of "The Days of Wine and Roses", this time starring Stephanie and HHH. It'll be called "The Daze of Whine and Noses".
I've got a whole shelf of mini-wads to give out this week.
a) Billy "Gum" - for trying to pull the anorexic Hardy's pants down during a match. (Couldn't wait to get behind the curtain, Mr.Ass?)
b) The above-mentioned Hardy - for wearing the see-through shirt. Women want to see that sunken-in boney chest about as much as men want to see Mae's chest. Somebody feed that kid!
c) JR - for calling Benoit a "rabid wolverine." Shame onyou, JR, for insulting a wolverine.
d) Test - for trying (and failing miserably) to look "mean and nasty" while skipping down the ramp to meet his, uh, wolverine.
e) Eddie (van Halen) Gay-rerro - for trying to use the mic.
f) Rock - for his HHH imitation. It would've worked better if Rock had a huge prosthetic nose and a skanky ho by his side.
g) Big Show - for relying on a chair to level his opponents. At least wrestle a little first, let your opponent knock you around a little too, then use the chair!
h) Kane - for standing on the ring apron patiently waiting to be tagged in, even though he was ignored by Rock and Cactus Jack. If he's supposed to be so bad and indestructible now (excuse me a minute...Bwaahhhaahhhhaahhha)then he should've just muscled his way into the ring.
Good stuff:
1) The sign that said "Turd Angle"
2) Buh Buh Dudley hitting Billy Butt with a chair ("For wearing
them gay p-p-p-pink shorts....") Too bad he didn't get to put yet another useless bimbo (Himbo?) through a table.
3) Mae Young getting flattened by Viscera
("Ooooo! How can you say that? What about her baby?")
Remember, each week of this awful crap on tv brings us a week closer to the return of the Taker.
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Mr. Ass, but he can't leave his partners "behind")
February 2000 ppv: No Way Out
No Way Out: otherwise known as "The Circus is in Town"
We saw elephants dancing, battling in the ring, and performing with a
"rock". We even saw a clown! Actually, it was just Rikishi dancing,
Mark Henry and
Viscera trying to have a match, and Big Show. The clown? Oh, that was
just Jeff Hardy. He'll be bald by age 30 due to all the dye jobs on his
hair. I gotta admit, the blue and purple was pretty colorful.
I see Jericho shaved off his little beard awhile back, too. So now he
can't be "goat-boy", but he can still be "Tin foil boy"! Fire up that
grill.... I also need to thank him for reading my column. He made a
comment to Angle where he wondered how those medals stayed on, since
Angle has no neck. Yeah, I know I'm not the only one to call attention
to this freak of nature, but why go anywhere else for entertainment,
when you can visit this site?
Fuckwads to the following:
1) Kirk (where's my neck) Angle- for trying to "collect them all".
Which belt will he go after next?
2) Billy Gunn- for showing us the true meaning of the word "Wuss".
Other guys continue to perform with painful injuries (like Taker with
his broken ankle, pulled groin, etc) and then there's Billy. He spent
most of the match watching the love of his life (Road Dogg) getting his
ass kicked by the Dudleys. We then see Billy backstage, in severe pain:
"Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi"
3) Terri- for turning against the Hardys. I guess she finally figured
out that the blue and purple hair was only on Jeff's head. She got
tired of those young kids and wants to go back to those manly
studs...The Mean Street Posse (urp)
4) Bossman- for still not using Big Show's dad as his tag-team partner
(or at least as his manager!) Am I the only one who's still wondering
what he did with the body? Go cook up another dog, Bonzo. Terri's
available (and she looks a lot like Al Snow's dog)
5) Paul Bearer- for letting Tori slap him and get away with it(again).
He might've lost weight but he still can't catch a bimbo wearing 6"
heels.
6) Big Show- for using a chair-shot to the head of his opponent
ag-GAIN! But this time he was too out of breath to do it, so he got
Shane to do it. (Having Big Shmo in the main event at Wrestlemania
leads me to believe he and Shane are swinging more than just chairs.
Hmmmm)
7) Shane McMahon- for showing up at this ppv and NOT taking his sister
with him when he left!
8) Anybody who slapped his opponent in the ring. Nearly every match
involved men slapping men.
Good stuff:
1) The Hell in a Cell. But it would've been better if HHH had fallen
through the roof of the cell first, and then Cactus Jack could've landed
on him.
2) The unusually bright colors of the costumes, signs and Jeff Hardy's
hair (Oh...that wasn't part of the show?)
3) No ridiculous evening-gown or pudding matches. Although I'm sure
some of the "slappy" men would've been happy to compete.
We've all heard of stick-ball. What about Bim-ball? Cactus Jack lights
the barbed-wire wrapped board on fire. Then it can be used on the heads
of Stephanie, Terri, Tori (and even Mae Young!) Fun!
Cenny
Hoping to see a couple innings on "Bim-ball" on the next ppv...
RAW 2/28/00
I'm sure ratings for WCW skyrocketed around 10:30 Monday night. Either
that or there was a sudden huge drop in water pressure from everybody
flushing their toilet after puking into it! Congratulations to Mark
Henry and Mae on the birth of 8 pounds of....
what the fuck WAS that, anyway? A bunch of old rubbers? (Some dating
back to 1940) I haven't seen anything so disgusting since the
Roto-Rooter men had to unclog a blocked drain in my basement and they
found...never mind....
I'll never look at vise-grips the same way again!
The FuckWad of the Week Award goes to:
Gerald Brisco! (Why? Because he hasn't had it yet)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) His ears are not bigger than his head
2) I'm sure he has some unique friends, but he doesn't hang around with
Pat Patterson ("I wouldn't do dat dink!")
3) He'd quit the WWF forever, or even show up wearing a dress, before
he'd participate in the Mae Young/pregnancy angle.
4) He doesn't have your accent. (Actually nobody does, except for
Deborah. "Stee-yev, Mr. Mac May-un's on the pho-whan...")
So take your FuckWad Award and hit the road (and take your gay blond
friend with you. I meant Patterson, but ok, you can take Billy Gunn
too...)
Mini-wads this week to:
a) Stephanie- for using the mic, even if it WAS to talk about herself
("Fat, dirty, disgusting...")
b) The "Saturday Night Fever" re-make- I'm waiting for Rikishi to come
to the ring in a white suit.
c) Billy Gunn- for saying he's better with one arm than HHH will ever
be. Let's see YOU in a Hell in a Cell match, Butt-boy.
Cenny
Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of Mae and her "rubber" baby...
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