Did you know more adolescent boys are late for school on Tuesday mornings than any other weekday? Blame it on Teri and her toddler-sized shirts. The poor hormone-crazed kids wake up stuck to their beds because of her. So when your paper boy is an hour late on Tuesday mornings....be kind.
Ugh, let's move on:
How long's it been since Shane McMahon was FuckWad of the Week? Over 6 months? He's long overdue for another one.
Shane, you pudgy geek....(*hissss*)
The Undertaker possesses 4 things YOU don't:
1) "If" he has a sister, she's not a skanky ho stuck to HHH like Velcro (hey, that rhymes!)
2) He doesn't feel *protected* coming out to the ring with Paul Wight....he feels disgusted!
3) He can speak in his own original way, rather than immitating Vince, like you.
4) He doesn't hang out with Pete and Rodney (ewwww)
So take your Fuckwad of the week award and hit the road!
(Speaking of "hit", why didn't you hit your sister after she slapped you? Better yet, why not a few innings of Bim-ball with a barbed-wire bat?)
Mini-wads this week to the following:
a) Pete (he-got)Gas: for eating Mini-Holly's room service food. Don't you know there's starving children out there who could've used it? Like Jeff Hardy....
(Yes, it's true, blue and purple hair is a sign of malnutrition)
b) The "Dancing Queens" match: especially to Scotty-he's- Rotty for his facial expression right before he gave the worm to Road Dogg.
And one for Road Dogg for running away so fast he fell going up the ramp. I thought with Billy Butt gone, Dogg would enjoy "a littleworm".
c) Fuckin' Bob Backlund...aGAIN? Well, if Mae can be a regular on the show, I guess Bob can too. Doesn't he look like Mickey Rooney in those old "Andy Hardy" movies? (yechhh)
d) Chris Ben-Waaaaaa (aka Wolverine): for looking like James Cagney (I know...been watching too many old movies)
e) The "Who's Got the Most Deformed Body Part" match: featuring the biggest nose and the biggest rump in the WWF.
(A word to the cameraman: DO show close-ups of Taker's ass -DON'T show close-ups of Rikishi's)
Rikishi is the poster boy for cellulite. Maybe he should do info-mercials?
Good Stuff:
1) Sign: "Has Anyone Seen my Hand?"
2) Mae getting "Dudleyed" through the table. The impact probably jarred loose another clump of 1940's rubbers!
3) JR saying "Just say no to crack" (refering to Rikishi)
Cenny
"This show was so bad, my tv turned itself off" - Mark Smarts
(The above comment was made about WCW, but I think it sometimes applies to WWF)
RAW: 3/13/00
No wonder so many of us are dragging around, due to lack of sunlight.
Blame it on The Big Shmo! Notice his tan? He's the reason why
the sun's been blocked out the last several weeks (*hissss*)
No big winner this week, but I have a few Mini-Wads to present:
a) Val Venis: for escaping the Hair Club For Men and returning to the ring.
b) Vince McMahon: for doing absolutely nothing to his daughter! Couldn't he at least have hit her with a chair or something?
c) The Mean Street Posse: for taking up air-time, causing us to see less "real" talent.
d) JR: for saying Lita is a copycat, trying to reproduce all of Essa's moves. Can any other woman in the WWF do those things? Speaking of copy-cats, got 2 names for ya: Kane and Big Show (both Undertaker wanna-be's)
e) Malenko and Saturn: for coming out at the beginning of the show disguised as midgets.
f) Jerry Lawler: for his line, "I'm with the FBI - Female Body Inspector." More like "Female Body Impersonator" or "Fuckin'Boring Idiot".
g) Kurt the 3-Eyed Angle: for defeating Tazz
************
Good stuff:
1) Mae getting the Buh Buh Ray powerbomb again. I would've liked to see him push the wheelchair outside of the arena and merge it into on-coming traffic, myself.
2) No more Big Show in the main event at Wrestlemania!
Speaking of Waste-all-Mania, here's the card (You heard it here first!)
Mae Young vs Moolah in "The WWF ain't big enough for TWO old bitches" match (Special guest ref: Pat Patterson)
Mean Street Posse vs Michael Cole, Lillian Garcia,and Mideon in a "Why are these people even on tv?" match
Mark Henry vs The Dudleys in a "Ah pitties da Foolwho hurt mah Woman" match (Special guest ref: Mr T.)
Shane McMahon vs Stephanie McMahon in a "I don'tbelong here, but my Daddy owns the company" match
Big Show vs Viscera vs Rikishi in a "Deal-a-Meal"match (Special guest ref: Richard Simmons)
X-Pac vs Jeff Hardy in a "Somebody feed me" match
JR vs Paul Neuman in a "My BBQ sauce is better than yours" match
Kane vs Road Dogg in a "Loser must remove his mask"match
Pat Patterson vs Faarooq in a "I can TOO speak English"match (Special guest refs: Kaintai and Essa Rios)
And the main event: The Rock vs HHH. There's only two outcomes for this event...the winner and new WWF championwill either be Vince McMahon or Steve Austin!
Cenny
(Looking forward to the above matches...)
3/20/00:
It's good to see that the WWF supports recycling. We now have another
bald redneck and another weak-voiced bimbo, so let's give these newbies
the FuckWad of the Week Award!
Buck (you suck) Buchanan is a result of cross-breeding between Austin and Bossman. With all these wrestlers coming to the WWF from otherplaces, I thought at first that he was one of the "Baldies" from ECW. No such luck.
Trish (Trash) Stratus, aka another Bimbo to add to the growing Bimbi roster, grabbed the mic and...(shudder) spoke! I admit there's men there whose voices make me cringe, but then there's also Taker (whatta voice...) But WHY are there no women (not even one) with a voice that doesn't grate on my nerves? Is it the implants? Does that somehow affect their voices? (*hisss*)
I won't even bother to list any qualities the Undertaker possesses that these 2 don't.
Just read some back columns featuring bimbos (bimbi) or bald rednecks....
So, Trash Status and Sucky Bucky: Take your FuckWad Awards and
hit the road!
Mini Wads this week go to:
a) Vince: for not allowing the Rock to say "Live from New York, etc" on Saturday Night Live and for doing it a-GAIN on RAW. Will this be a weekly thing now?
b) Benwahhhh (aka Wolverine): for taking the "Pat Patterson Speech Class".
c) Kurt (belt hog) Angle: for his line, "Nobody touches my belts!" I'm sure that also applies to the belt he wears with regular clothes, outside the ring. Nobody would want to touch his belt (or any other part of that no-neck whiner)
d) Mideon: for his silly shirt and for hitting Bradshaw with Road Dogg.(Oh...that was a string mop?)
e) Bradshaw: The man is really putting on the pork. He needs to either lose it or lose the "Acolyte" pants and just wear regular clothes into the ring!
f) Prince Albert and Test: for now being known as "T and A"...Too Awful?
g) Linda McMahon: (Yes, she *really* is Princess Diana's mother. Looks just like her, huh?) I'm glad to see Mick Foley back, but 3 McMahons are already 3 too many...we didn't need a 4th one!
h) Wrestlers who insist on having a word printed on their costume in a hard to read area (like over the ass) I just realized last night that Benoit's pants don't say "Crapper" on the back.
***********
Good stuff:
1) Buh Buh Ray Dudley speaking for me, and anyone else with a brain,when he called the "worm" the "stupidest move I've ever seen..."
2) Ben Franklin: He should've come out to the ring and wrestled. That gimmick is better than some of the ones we're forced to see each week!
3) A sign in the crowd: "Kurt Angle: American Doofus"
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of new women, unless they can both talk AND wrestle...)
3/27/00 RAW
RAW is whiny, disfunctional, unattractive people with too much money and piss-poor acting skills. That's right, I'm talking about the McMahons (but it could apply to any of the WWF roster, except for a select few...)
No awards today. I'm sure I'll have shit-loads to give out after the 12 hour marathon on Sunday, followed by 2 hours the next night on RAW. So here's a few observations on this week's show:
1) Nice shoes, Steph. I had a pair just like those....back in 1980!
2) HHH asked:"What the hell kind of family did I marry into?" Well, for starters, a family suffering from "Kirk Douglas-chin Syndrome", huge asses (I think Rikishi should be an honorary McMahon), and bulging eyes - except for Vince, who was blessed (?) with beady little rodent-eyes...
3) It's a sure sign of Spring when people around here get out their grills and start cleaning them up and getting them ready for use....and Jericho had his tin-foil shirt on! Coincidence? I think not...
4) Chyna is bigger than all 4 Radicals and Too Cool. (and Crash Holly, and Tazz, and Michael Cole, etc. etc.)
5) I loved it when Rikishi did his butthole surfing on Road Dogg's nose! Watching Dogg barf his way back up the ramp was hella entertaining as well. King said Road Dogg was "barfing chocolate milk". Too many "Yoo-Hoo's" maybe?
6) Prince Albert got a new outfit. It's nice to see that grotesque skin and hair covered up...now if they could just do the same thing with that "other" grotesque skin and hair (also known as Trish Stratus) Hell, she makes Sable look attractive!
7) Godfather and his apprentice pimp, D'Lo, had the same pants on. (That lovely "X-Pac green" color...ugh)
8) Not a good night for Kane fans (all 2 of them) as he got the Dudley Death Drop and got tossed through a table by X-Pac and Road Dogg(who had recovered from shouting on his shoes by then)
9) Big Show got through another match without collapsing in the ring from a massive heart attack. Well, there's always next time,right?
Cenny
(Hoping to rid the Wrestling World of barfing wrestlers...and wrestlers who make ME barf!)
