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Fuckwad of the Week Award: Final Wad for 2001
The year isn't officially over, but I have time to do this *now* and
probably won't have time to do it later, so let the PhuhQuad
Phestivities begin!
I received 13 replies from my readers as of December 28th. If I get any
more (nemore), I'll include them in the first column of the new year.
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(My first nomination came from Edina.):
"Now it's only natural as well as fair that a whiny, bitchy, ugly
tranvestite gets this year's prestigious Fuck Wad Awards. No, I'm not
talking about Billy Slum (Gunn) (As I recall didn't he already win that
title?) And no, unfortunately, I am not referring to Booker T (even
though he should be a runner up). Why, I am speaking of the one the only
ringus rattus herself: SARA! Let's see, how is she deserving of the
award? Let's examine the answers, shall we?
#1 She's fucking ugly.
#2 She made us suffer through tacky outfits and bleach blonde (old sea
hag white) hair.
#3 All of UT's storylines have subsequently failed to grab attention and
aclaim after she first appeared on WWF TV.
#4 She's a fucking leech who can't get herself a goddamn job or a life
that she has to stoop as low as to borrow her own husband's.
#5 She's fucking uuuuuugly! Even worse than Wanda from "In Living
Color."
#6 She's responsible for giving him that god awful haircut!.
I think these are sufficient reasons for my nomination. Oh yea, let me
make it official: I hearby nominate the Skanky Bleach Blonde Tranvestite
Old Lady, Sara Undertaker as Fuck Wadder of the Year, oh and Ugly Ho of
the Year not to mention Ugly Wife of the Decade and Worse Leech of the
Century!"
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(Nomination #2 came from Rawbonz):
"Yo. I nominate Sara 'cus she's an ugly beast. Hee-hee."
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(Nomination #3 came from Ruby):
"Hi Cenny, my name is Ruby and I think the PhuhQuad (or F-Wad.) of the
Year is Vince McMahon. Because earlier this year (April.), he totally
screwed The Undertaker (and Kane.) by sending his "goons" (*$$tin and
Hellsley.) to beat the crap out of both of them! And the #2 reason? He
made The Undertaker in the WORST scenario of making him a heel! (Like,
there are other ways to make him a heel, but the "Kiss my *$$" scenario
is STUPID!) Overall, Vince REALLY F***ED The Undertaker!"
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(Nomination #4 came from Tracey N. who had so many worthy recipients to
choose from that she couldn't pick just one. And who can blame her? So
she nominated nine people!):
"1. Slutphony McMahan Hosebeast - She has a rat face, a whiney voice, a
beer gut, a flabby ass, overstuffed storebought tits, and no talent.
Did anyone read Vinnie's Playboy interview? Slutphony is in charge of
the writing department. It shows. The storylines all suck louder than
Slut does. I would like to see her choke-slammed through a flaming
table.
2. Vince McMahan - for putting his wasteoid female child in charge of
the writing department, for spending too much time in the ring, for his
unnatural desires for both Asstain and Booger T, and for spawing
Slutphony and Shamu.
3. Shane McMahan, also known as Shamu the Whale - for his fat ass, for
his inability to keep his nose out of other folk's business, for having
McMahan DNA, and for his fat ass.
4. X-Pac - for truly reminding the world of old bong water. I knew he
reminded me of something gross, but I couldn't figure it out until Cenny
pointed it out. Now that she has, I REALLY do smell old bong water
every time I see XPuke.
5. Asstain - why does the show have to revolve around either McMahans
or this asshole? Nothing really turns me on about any of them, and I
really wish Asstain would take that "what" business and masturbate his
asshole with it.
6. The nursing home that STILL hasn't realized Rick Flare has wandered
off. That's why they get sued all the time. This is gross neglect. If
they're not going to come get him, at least bring him his walker so he
can get down the ramp a bit easier. As it is now, the poor old goat has
to do the robot all the way down because he might fall and break his
hip.
7. Big Slow - just what the world needs, a 7' tall fat chick.
8. Kurt Angle - needs an enema, wants an enema, gets off on enemas.
This asshole is so full of shit, he would probably disappear if given an
enema. I love to hear the crowd chant "you suck" to the beat of his
entrance theme. Of course, these are the same folks who were cheering
him during the "alliance" storyline. Pardon me while I vomit. Also,
that "I'll make you tap out" t-shirt is really, really, really not
heterosexual.
9. Booger T - his love affair with Rosy Palm and her five sisters is
just much too much. Booker T was raped by Mr. T and liked it. Hell, it
wasn't rape, Booker T was into it. Yes, I did just say that."
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(Nomination #5 came from Sylvia):
"My nominee? (And please, please, PLEASE use my name). It has to be
Sara Ono, also known as Yoko Calloway - the woman using her husband's
mega-stardom to advance her own career in sports entertainment, not to
mention live the high life that he can provide. Like Yoko, she has had
a horrendous effect on her husband's "art", as he gave up an incredible
gimmick at least partly so that he could present her as his wife on WWF
TV. That did we the fans (Taker fans and non) no favour, as the woman
has neither the looks nor the personality nor the barest minimum of
acting ability to make it as a diva or a diva/wrestler. Briefly, she
deeply offends as a person and as a "talent."
Most recently, she wielded the scissors that deprived the red-headed
Celtic god of his magnificent mane of hair. (May her right hand fall
off for that offence)!
Most of all, she has helped render an amazing, brilliant character into
ho-hum ordinariness. A god has become a mere mortal and that is not to
be forgiven. His slide down the card continues and his legend is
threatened unless a dramatic, old school turnaround is put into play. I
pray that he wakes up and has the sense of self and his legacy to put a
comeback into effect before it's too late and he goes out with a whimper
and not a bang.
So, Sara, do all of us a favor and fuck-wad off ignominiously to
ring-rat anonymity from whence you came. Most of us would be happy
never to see your face or hear your name again so long as we are WWF
fans.
Sylvia aka Mircalla (on Saber's site and elsewhere )"
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(The 6th nomination came from Aaron who had this to say):
"Fuckwad of the year should go to Jerry Lawler. He adds nothing to the
show. Bring back Heyman!"
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(Nomination #7 came from "anonymous"):
"My sister would kill me for saying this, but i think Kane should get
the award. He can't seem to make it on his own and needs Undertaker by
his side to get any kind of a reaction from the crowd. I think he should
loose the mask already too."
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(The 8th nomination came from Nicole):
"Xpac sucks."
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(Nomination #9 came from another "anonymous"):
"every woman who can't wrestle should get the f*** out of there!!"
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(The 10th nomination was my personal favorite):
"none of your business my name!!!! i love wressling and i HATE
YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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(Nomination #11 came from Nate):
"Vinnie should be fuck wad of the year. He totally fucked up the XFL
and he totally fucked up the merger with wcw and ecw. His kissass club
made me puke."
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(Nomination #12 came from Sea Dog):
"You probly won't even print this cuz I nominate Undertaker. He brought
his wife into the WWF for no good reason and he's been involved in some
real lame angles. Now he's the big bad heel but he's beating up on
children like the hardeez. When's he gonna have a decent feud like
maybe with Trips when he returns.
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(The final nomination, from Cara):
Booker T! What is so great about this guy???
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So, counting all these nominations (including all 9 of Tracey's) it
breaks down like this:
Sara and Vince are tied for First place with 3 votes each.
In Second place, with 2 votes each we have X-Pac and Booker T.
The following all have one vote each:
Steph, Shane, Austin, Flare, Big Show, Angle, Lawler, Kane, Taker
(waaah), and "every woman who can't wrestle" (so that would be every
woman *except* Molly, Lita, Jackie, and uh, I guess that's about it)
It's not too late to get those nominations in!
Cenny
(Happy New Year!)